REDEEMED Ch. 5 A Hardened Heart

Tags

abuse, books on marriage, healing after abuse, intimacy issues, living with a partner who's been abused, marriage, marriage issues, overcoming abuse, redeemed, Redeemed by Shannon M. Deitz, verbal abuse

Deeper into the journey of healing we go.

For those of you who can relate to past experiences of abuse in any form, it is my prayer that you receive with great hope that no matter where you are in this very moment on your journey, each day God gives you renewed strength, endurance, and the capability to overcome.

Many of my younger years as a wife and mother were held captive by displaced anger and depression. Reliving these chapters I can easily wish I knew then what I know now…but the only reason why I am who I am today is because of the journey getting to this point. And in twenty years when I’m sixty-two I’m certain I’ll feel the same looking back at my journals today.

REDEEMED Ch. 5 Blog Release

I’d love to hear from you, feel free to leave comments anonymously.

Blessings

Shannon

Neal, Ryan and I at my sister’s wedding.

New Life [Life After Domestic Violence]

Tags

Abuse survivors, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Domestic Violence Awareness, emotional abuse, Faith, forgiveness, healing, Laura White, spirituality, verbal abuse

A few weeks ago when Laura White and I drove to Dallas to film another I Have a Voice video I was immeasurably blessed by the amount of hope and fortitude this woman sitting next to me exuded.  So many times we can take the struggles in our lives, focus on the annoyance and irritation of the circumstance and soon the struggle turns into a life-destroying tragedy.

Here is a woman who has miraculously lived through an unimaginable tragedy which has left her to face numerous daily struggles that could easily suck the second chance of life right out of her.  Instead, she focuses on the beauty in the simple things and though her struggles are both an annoyance and irritation she realizes the fact she can feel these emotions is a gift.

I asked Laura to update us on how she is three years after the incident:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life for Me today after Domestic Violence

My life today for the most part is very rewarding and full of surprises.  I find that my eyes are wide open to all that is going on around me daily.  I watch people to see if I see troubled looks on their faces.  I will glance at the sunset or sunrise and look above to thank God that I am still here to see that beauty displayed.  I watch to see how men are treating women where ever I am, at the grocery store, in restaurants, at the gas station, etc.  I smile when I see an elderly couple holding hands or quietly sitting somewhere talking to each other as they are still best friends.  I listen with joy when my 6 year old grandson tells me about his day at school or the next greatest thing he has seen advertised on a commercial.  I sit back quietly to watch and listen to my 2 children when they are together and feel my heart swell with love and pride for the adults they have become.

I still have so many unanswered questions about what I went through.  I wonder how I could have ever have let myself be treated in such cruel ways.  I look back and realize I do not know who that person was.  There are many days that as I am performing simple tasks such as doing laundry, taking out the trash or trimming the bushes in my front yard that my abuser will enter my thoughts.  I will re-enter those memories by thinking about how I lived in such fear if I didn’t perform such simple tasks correctly.  And then I will remember that how I was supposed to perform a task would change without warning and therefore invoke a barrage of verbal abuse usually followed by condemnation, extreme hatred and anger.  A good example of this was when I was first with my abuser I did some laundry and somehow managed to turn some of his socks pink.  Then another time I did laundry I accidentally threw a tee-shirt of his into the dryer therefore resulting in it shrinking.  My abuser verbally attacked me for weeks on end by saying I was out to get him and that I did it on purpose.  My punishment from there on out was I was not allowed to go anywhere near the washer or the dryer.  I was not even allowed to do my own laundry for 4 years.  If I so much as went out to the garage without stating my purpose beforehand, he would jump up and follow me to make sure I wasn’t touching the washer or dryer.  The good news about my life today is I can do my own laundry or other simple daily tasks without fear.  I enjoy the freedom to do my laundry and if I do turn my socks pink, I laugh because I love pink socks!!!

Anger will re-surface from time to time around the consequences I am faced with because my abuser tried to kill me which resulted in him shooting me.  I so long for my body to feel normal again, but as time passes, the body I have now is beginning to feel normal to me for the most part.  I can walk despite the weakness I have in my left leg due to the permanent nerve damage.  I can handle the stairs in a movie theater now.  I can’t run, hop or jump which leaves me wondering what I will ever do if faced with a situation where I have to flee due to impending danger.  The trauma my body suffered has left me with only 30% function in my kidneys which translates into Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 3.  The next level down would put me in danger of having to do dialysis or even worse, a kidney transplant.  When I first heard this from my doctor, the anger that came to the surface took me by surprise.  I have been able to forgive my abuser for his actions, but I am still very angry deep down about the results of his actions.  I do not sleep at night for more than 2-3 hours at a time.  This is not because I have bad dreams or nightmares about what I went through, it is because due to the loss of 80% of my digestive system, I am dehydrated at all times.  My body has to receive water constantly to keep me out of the hospital.  I naturally wake up every couple of hours to drink water.  I have adjusted to the schedule and will relish the few times I actually sleep for 4-6 hours, but then I have to really work hard to catch up on my water intake.

I will end this with how I started this.  My life to today is full of rewards and surprises.  I have such a feeling of peace and serenity to know that I am not in that abusive relationship today.  I have the courage and determination to never let myself be controlled by another person again.  I can stand up for myself and say no today if it doesn’t feel right and I strive to stand up for others who have experienced abuse firsthand.  I love my body as it is today even with its weaknesses and medical issues.  I can look in the mirror today and when I see my 15 inch scar and notice that I no longer have a belly button I smile and say this is my normal.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are struggling, offer it up to the Lord and take a look at your day, recognizing the many blessings you’ve been given.

“They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.”  Isaiah 40:41

Blessings

Shannon

** If you or someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation and needs help please go to the Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)**

One Word

Tags

Abuse survivors, emotional abuse, Ephesians 4:29, harsh words, healing words, overcoming abuse, power of words, survivors, verbal abuse, words, words hurt

I’ve written dozens of posts that encourage and proclaim ‘Use Your Voice!’, however, I realize there are select moments when our words should be chosen wisely.

There is strength and power behind our words. Words can heal, uplift, encourage, console, council, and teach. In the same breath (sentence) the words chosen can bruise, scar, discourage, belittle, harm, and simple ruin a good mood in a second.

Just one word, especially in the English language, can hold a dozen variations of meanings that it is imperative to hear the infliction behind it and understand the context that surrounds it or else it can be misconstrued and cause havoc in the person who ‘hears’ or ‘reads’ it.

For instance – ‘OK’ –  Is it that ‘You are ‘ok” good, or ‘ok’ frustrated? or ‘ok’ indifferent, or ‘ok’ happy, or ‘ok’ mad?

In this day and age of texting I find that there is an even greater disconnect among us because battles are being fought, decisions are being made and revelations are being born all without the emotion. Every text received depends on the person’s emotional state when receiving it as to whether or not it is taken in the context it was intended.

Texting isn’t always the culprit. We can be face to face with someone and have our words misconstrued because of the emotional state of the person who is on the receiving end. I’ll be the first to admit this is something I have to work on personally. If I’m upset and haven’t voiced my emotions and someone says something to me that can either be harmless or confrontational …I tend to go to the confrontational. I believe this is because I’ve often felt ‘not good enough’ so it is an innate reaction to assume I’m being attacked when reality is much more kind.

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Life is a process of stumbling, falling, getting back up and learning from the experience. The idea is to learn to take a different route or walk in a different way so as not to keep stumbling and falling along the way.

How simple would it be for all of us on our life journey to be a little more intentional with our words in order to lift others up instead of causing them to stumble along the way? And in our texts…if we need to discuss something important – PICK UP THE PHONE and talk so that emotion can be heard and felt. Oh, and don’t allow ‘texting’ to become your passive aggressive crutch. ‘I didn’t mean it like that’…when you know you did.  (We’ve all done it so don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.)

 

Blessings
Shannon

Meghan’s Story – Abuse has no Boarders

Tags

abuse, domestic abuse, mental abuse, no boundaries, physical abuse, sexual abuse, support for abuse survivors, verbal abuse

I am on a HOLY SPIRIT high from our ACTS retreat and I need time to regroup before I give a recap of the MANY ways in which God ‘showed up’…at least the ones I can share. 😉  Until then I have a doctor appointment foolishly scheduled (against my doing) at 8am downtown in the morning so I have to get up extremely early (again).  Maybe Tuesday I’ll rest.

Today I want to highlight a survivor’s story…”Meghan” is an anonymous woman who has been following the blog and decided she wanted to share her story even though she is still in the midst of the battle.  I find that hers is one that many could relate to, because it points 0ut the subtlety of abuse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You do not know me. I’d melt into a sea of faces, nothing special I’m afraid. I am normal by today’s standards; a hard working, busy mom who hides her dysfunctions successfully. I’ve acquired the doting husband, the two children and the white picket fence. The American dream is mine, according to many. Yet they do not know the secrets I hold.

I am a professional peacemaker, a master illusionist and an accomplished dancer in the tangled steps of marriage to an emotional abuser. I am frequently on the edge of disaster, exhausted and don’t know how I can face another day. I have had to dismiss sexual abuse as proof of devotion, physical venting as a normal means of letting anger out and emotional put downs as protection from pride.

For years I thought abuse happened to the underprivileged, certainly not to me. I was a straight ‘A’ student, a leader, talented and kind. Everyone who knew me, loved me. Future success was assured. I went to the best college, studied abroad, and received my masters. I traveled the world, sang in the most distinguished cathedrals in front of dignitaries, governmental officials and even the Queen of Jordan.

The best was mine. I figured my future was rosy, and full of sunshine. Now I know that life is not a straight road leading to the good things that Heaven has for us. There are many twists and turns that we do not expect. Life is not fair, or easy. Domestic violence is no respecter of race, ethnic background, economic class, or religion. It knows no boundaries and affects everyone with the same severity.

To the public eye, my husband Charlie was adorable, funny and the perfect husband. Only I know his secrets. He shows his true self only to me. No one knows what happens behind our closed doors. No one would believe me anyway. He’s that talented at hiding his true identity.

In the beginning he was my Prince Charming, the one for whom I had prayed for, for many years. At the time I was amazed at how I saw God working in both of our lives to place us together. I know it sounds cliché, but he completed me. He showed me how special I was in God’s eyes, as well as his own.

Never questioning that God brought us together, we married after a year of dating. We were overwhelmingly naive, of course. We believed that we were strong enough, on our own, to break the generational curse that tainted both our lives. He had grown up with a drug addicted father, physically abusive step father and had himself been sexually abused as a teenager. He knew mine. I had grown up with a narcissistic father who abandoned his family, leaving me to play his parental role.

Yes, Charlie knew that I dealt with rejection issues and low self-esteem. He helped me face these problems head on. Together we became stronger. Together we were sure that we had enough love to kiss all of our past and future boo-boos away.

We married and immediately settled into life together. We bought a house and acquired two cute puppies. Suddenly we began playing family. Slowly the red flags started showing themselves. Charlie’s job required him to wake up early in the morning and he never went to sleep early enough to make up for his loss of sleep. Easily he began to fall into the rituals of either being high on energy, or extremely low, being grumpy and snapping his frustrations at me. I passed it off as him just being tired and this became our new reality.

Six years later, being unhappy at work and homesick for home (3,000 miles away) I cried to Charlie that I wanted to move. I wanted to start a family and raise them around Christian relatives (my relatives). His parents never went to church, or lived the lifestyle that I wanted to teach my children. Reluctantly, he agreed. We sold our house and a car and moved across the country.This started the next phase of abuse- put downs and blaming. For the next few years Charlie complained that everything that ever went wrong, was because I forced him to move. I learned to put up with this, because I felt that it was the price I had to pay for getting the desires of my heart.

Then the children came, and life turned upside down. I became consumed with motherhood. Charlie became detached and angry. I asked him to be involved, yet invariably he was too tired. Jealousy cropped up, he hated that I spent so much time and energy on the children. He often complained about what I did all day. I just laughed off the put down, shaking my head at his classlessness.

Happy, I was, but still becoming discouraged and alone. Charlie began threatening to leave us, because he wasn’t happy. He wanted to move back home to his family, because they at least cared about him and had time to spend with him doing what he wanted to do. So, I tried harder to make him happy. Nothing seemed to work and soon he was telling me that I didn’t love him. I assured him that I did. “Prove it!” He said. This started the next phase of abuse- sexual.

Charlie pushed the limits of everything that I didn’t want to do. He didn’t care if he hurt me, he said that it was the only way that he knew that I loved him; to sacrifice of myself. I cried each time. Then he tenderly held me, assuring me that he loved me and would never leave me.Then came the most recent phase of abuse- out lashing.

I let him down. I talked to a guy, an ex-boyfriend in fact, and didn’t tell Charlie, for fear that he would explode. He found out and then knew that I had kept it from him. Suddenly I was a liar and a cheater, just because I talked to some guy 3,000 miles away. Charlie fell into a season of rage, hitting walls, yelling, ignoring me and treating me like filth.

Since then I’ve slowly faced the fact that changing a lifetime of habits is one of the most difficult journeys one can ever embark on. I started attending an abuse, 12 Step support group, where I have learned that it’s not my job to change Charlie, but to change me. I had to stop this unhealthy dance by reconnecting myself to the Ultimate Healer, the God of Heaven.

I am not sad as I look back. In my almost half a century of life, the abusive years I suffered were short in comparison. I’ve been through the fire and have come out stronger because of it. I can see how I got there, what I did wrong and have begun to fix my broken behaviors. I have written three books about abuse and look forward to publishing them someday. It is nice to know that I don’t need to be a victim anymore; instead God has a plan for my life, a hope and a future.

If he can use me, I know that he can use you. You are not alone. God loves you.

Meghan

http://www.findinghopessunshine.wordpress.com

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If YOU have a story you want to share please contact me at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com.  It is in sharing our stories and exposing them to the light that we not only move forward on our healing journey but help others to take the first step in recognizing they are not alone and they have a ‘voice’.

Blessings

Shannon

New Life (Day 269) Life after Domestic Violence

Tags

abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Faith, forgiveness, healing, inspiration, Laura White, spirituality, verbal abuse, Violence and Abuse, Women

A few weeks ago when Laura White and I drove to Dallas to film another I Have a Voice video I was immeasurably blessed by the amount of hope and fortitude this woman sitting next to me exuded.  So many times we can take the struggles in our lives, focus on the annoyance and irritation of the circumstance and soon the struggle turns into a life-destroying tragedy.

Here is a woman who has miraculously lived through an unimaginable tragedy which has left her to face numerous daily struggles that could easily suck the second chance of life right out of her.  Instead, she focuses on the beauty in the simple things and though her struggles are both an annoyance and irritation she realizes the fact she can feel these emotions is a gift.

I asked Laura to update us on how she is three years after the incident:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life for Me today after Domestic Violence

My life today for the most part is very rewarding and full of surprises.  I find that my eyes are wide open to all that is going on around me daily.  I watch people to see if I see troubled looks on their faces.  I will glance at the sunset or sunrise and look above to thank God that I am still here to see that beauty displayed.  I watch to see how men are treating women where ever I am, at the grocery store, in restaurants, at the gas station, etc.  I smile when I see an elderly couple holding hands or quietly sitting somewhere talking to each other as they are still best friends.  I listen with joy when my 6 year old grandson tells me about his day at school or the next greatest thing he has seen advertised on a commercial.  I sit back quietly to watch and listen to my 2 children when they are together and feel my heart swell with love and pride for the adults they have become.

I still have so many unanswered questions about what I went through.  I wonder how I could have ever have let myself be treated in such cruel ways.  I look back and realize I do not know who that person was.  There are many days that as I am performing simple tasks such as doing laundry, taking out the trash or trimming the bushes in my front yard that my abuser will enter my thoughts.  I will re-enter those memories by thinking about how I lived in such fear if I didn’t perform such simple tasks correctly.  And then I will remember that how I was supposed to perform a task would change without warning and therefore invoke a barrage of verbal abuse usually followed by condemnation, extreme hatred and anger.  A good example of this was when I was first with my abuser I did some laundry and somehow managed to turn some of his socks pink.  Then another time I did laundry I accidentally threw a tee-shirt of his into the dryer therefore resulting in it shrinking.  My abuser verbally attacked me for weeks on end by saying I was out to get him and that I did it on purpose.  My punishment from there on out was I was not allowed to go anywhere near the washer or the dryer.  I was not even allowed to do my own laundry for 4 years.  If I so much as went out to the garage without stating my purpose beforehand, he would jump up and follow me to make sure I wasn’t touching the washer or dryer.  The good news about my life today is I can do my own laundry or other simple daily tasks without fear.  I enjoy the freedom to do my laundry and if I do turn my socks pink, I laugh because I love pink socks!!!

Anger will re-surface from time to time around the consequences I am faced with because my abuser tried to kill me which resulted in him shooting me.  I so long for my body to feel normal again, but as time passes, the body I have now is beginning to feel normal to me for the most part.  I can walk despite the weakness I have in my left leg due to the permanent nerve damage.  I can handle the stairs in a movie theater now.  I can’t run, hop or jump which leaves me wondering what I will ever do if faced with a situation where I have to flee due to impending danger.  The trauma my body suffered has left me with only 30% function in my kidneys which translates into Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 3.  The next level down would put me in danger of having to do dialysis or even worse, a kidney transplant.  When I first heard this from my doctor, the anger that came to the surface took me by surprise.  I have been able to forgive my abuser for his actions, but I am still very angry deep down about the results of his actions.  I do not sleep at night for more than 2-3 hours at a time.  This is not because I have bad dreams or nightmares about what I went through, it is because due to the loss of 80% of my digestive system, I am dehydrated at all times.  My body has to receive water constantly to keep me out of the hospital.  I naturally wake up every couple of hours to drink water.  I have adjusted to the schedule and will relish the few times I actually sleep for 4-6 hours, but then I have to really work hard to catch up on my water intake.

I will end this with how I started this.  My life to today is full of rewards and surprises.  I have such a feeling of peace and serenity to know that I am not in that abusive relationship today.  I have the courage and determination to never let myself be controlled by another person again.  I can stand up for myself and say no today if it doesn’t feel right and I strive to stand up for others who have experienced abuse firsthand.  I love my body as it is today even with its weaknesses and medical issues.  I can look in the mirror today and when I see my 15 inch scar and notice that I no longer have a belly button I smile and say this is my normal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are struggling, offer it up to the Lord and take a look at your day, recognizing the many blessings you’ve been given.

“They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.”  Isaiah 40:41

Blessings

Shannon

** If you or someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation and needs help please go to the Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)**

The Effects of Abuse are Universal (Day 251)

Tags

Bullying, child abuse, date rape, domestic violence, Emotion, emotional abuse, Faith, healing, Psychological abuse, rape, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, Violence, Violence and Abuse, Women

“Isn’t domestic violence different than having been raped? Don’t they experience different emotions and healing?” This was a question posed to me today at lunch.

Among abuse the ‘act’ perpetrated can be different: ie: physical violence, forced sexual contact, psychological mind play, verbal degrading, neglect, etc, however, the lasting effect of surviving any form of abuse is universal. The wound of feeling unworthy, shame and guilt is the same no matter what form of abuse created it.

The group I was with happened to be some ladies in the area that I’d never met with before and I was happy to have the question because in truth, I’m sure many people assume in helping one to heal it has to be separate. We focus on Domestic Violence separate from Date Rape, and yet, if it is the boyfriend or date doing the rape it is considered violence (domestic if they are dating)…and more often than not a young woman in a violent relationship or marriage that is being beaten, psychologically controlled and manipulated is also at some point in the relationship being raped by their boyfriend or spouse.

The verbal, mental and emotional abuse is often the underlying factor to nearly every form of abuse. Even with neglect…the lack of love, lack of care, lack of emotion and affirmation is verbal, and emotional abuse.

The effects of abuse last beyond the initial fist to cheek, push, slap, degrading comment, humiliation, or any moment of a forced sexual act or even innuendo. The effect is the insecurity that affects life-altering decisions. The effect is the lack of self-respect brought on by the guilt. The effect is the fear that is triggered by a word, touch, scent or situation.

The effect is same for a four year old American caucasian or black girl raped by their grandfather as it is for a four year old African caucasian or black girl raped by the militia. The effect is the same for a thirty year old hispanic woman beaten daily emotionally and physically by her husband as it is for an asian woman being demeaned and degraded, set aside by her husband. The effect is the same for a young boy molested by his next door neighbor as it is for a young boy being sold on the streets. Or a son beaten and verbally broken down into submission by his father as it is for boy excessively bullied at school.

The effects of abuse are universal which is why it is so important to spread the awareness of what it does to each of us. To get more and more survivors to talk about it and be heard so that generations to come can be aware, know the effects and how they affect a person, therefore empowering them to walk (or run) from a situation before it can take place…or in the least know to get help immediately if found in a similar situation.

Another woman asked, “How do you listen to so many stories every day especially when you are a survivor? Doesn’t it affect you negatively?”

The truth is this, hearing others stories and how they have lived through them and survived them first gives me continued hope and courage because sitting before me is a person who has lived through hell. They are still here and they are wanting to live. Second, the offense fuels the fire of my calling. To speak out, to help others speak out, to spread awareness and offer hope. And finally, I want nothing more than to see the person before me succeed in reclaiming their worth and take back their life. To not only survive but thrive beyond what was ‘done or said’ to them.

I left the lunch feeling a bit more invigorated and encouraged because by having to explain what I do it was as if God wanted me to hear what I needed to say.

If you have any questions about Hopeful Hearts Ministry or if you know of someone who could benefit from our ministry please do not hesitate to contact me at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com.

Blessings Shannon

Choose Your Words (Day 234)

Tags

choosing words, encouragement, Ephesians 4:29, healing, self-help, self-improvement, verbal abuse

I’ve written dozens of posts that encourage and proclaim ‘Use Your Voice!’, however, I realize there are select moments when our words should be chosen wisely.

There is strength and power behind our words. Words can heal, uplift, encourage, console, council, and teach. In the same breath (sentence) the words chosen can bruise, scar, discourage, belittle, harm, and simple ruin a good mood in a second.

Interesting enough when I get in a vehicle with my husband behind the wheel (and in traffic) we both tend to get in a battle of words. He gets stressed and says things doesn’t even have to be necessarily directed to me, could be to the boys, or even the hundreds of drivers around him. I respond in the same manner because using my ‘voice’ at times gets to my head and I feel the need to ‘direct’ his choice of words. Too much of that and then I lose sight of my choices too.

Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

About 30 minutes into our journey together I ‘heard’ my choices before I said them out loud because by that point I was just picking because he was on my nerves.

So, I made a choice to not speak. Are you proud? I know, I know. I’m sure many of my friends are thinking “God really did show up! Hallelujah!”

And in kind I respond, “All right now, hush.”

It’s easy to let a word slip, it’s not as simple to take it back.

Blessings
Shannon