Last I updated on this challenge I had sunk into a bit of a depression. Funny that we can say that ‘bit of a depression’. Why can’t we just say, “I was depressed.”
The problem was I couldn’t explain ‘WHY‘. I felt that everything in my life was in place. I could still have moments of being ‘up beat’ and I certainly didn’t feel like I was being negative about life nor did it prevent me from helping others try to see the positive in their circumstances.
It was sometime in July that I began to slide down the slippery slope of depression. Instead of allowing it to consume me it was more like trying to conquer a three-way battle between my mind, my body, and my heart.
My mind was fine. I wasn’t thinking negative thoughts or falling into a ‘woes me, life is unbearable’ montage on a daily basis.
My body was heavy. Not so much with weight but with feeling. I would get up in the morning to do my workout and though I could get up and out of bed it took a great amount of effort to lift a weight or walk the block. There were days I felt like I just wanted to sleep all day because my body felt as if it had been up for days on end. And the tears. Oh the tears wouldn’t stop. I didn’t know why they would begin. I’d be in the most ridiculous situation (ie: in a drive thru with my son getting Bahama Buck snow cones) and the tears would start to flow.
I thought for sure my hormones were going nuts. Maybe this is what 41 looks like? Nope. That wasn’t the case. I saw my GYN and she took blood…I am perfectly healthy. Interestingly enough by the time I got into my GYN I was already beginning to feel better. In fact, I felt a little foolish for being in her office but knew I didn’t want a reoccurrence.
My heart was troubled. I couldn’t put my finger on it but something wasn’t right. I would have mini-anxiety attacks which always happens before something major is about to go down in my life. I even journaled about this one night in adoration, praying that God would give me the strength to endure whatever ‘it’ was.
And none of it made sense.
Till now. It’s good to know I’m not crazy. It’s good to know we should be in tune to our instincts. It’s good to trust that God has our back in every given moment, even when nothing makes sense. And I find that the connection we have to those we love is more spiritually connected than we realize.
As I blogged a few days ago, I’m not depressed any more. I’m WIDE AWAKE. I thank God for this situation that has unfolded because it brings forth growth, maturity, wisdom, understanding, and love.
An even BIGGER blessing is going on this trip to the Holy Land with my mom. Not a ‘coincidence’ that it comes at this very moment. A time when I need to be ‘renewed’ in the spirit, strengthened by His word and what better way to fall deeper in love with God than to be on actual Holy ground?
Here is a ‘word’ I received this morning…actually it was more of Psalm 27 than just the first verse. If you have a moment take time to read more…it helps in time of discourse:
We fly to Tel Aviv tonight and will be in Jerusalem tomorrow. I will see what I can do about blogging while I’m gone but rest assured I will be taking pictures and notes to blog about it when I get back if it’s not doable. In the meantime I posted some articles on Domestic Violence since this is Domestic Violence Awareness month.
As for what ‘it’ is in regards to what I’m going through – I’ll only say this – we are all susceptible to fall and we are all worthy of redemption. Remember that when you find yourself having been hurt by another or guilty of hurting another. Time – it is healing.