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~ An Abuse Survivor's Daily Rendering of God Showing Up In Her Life, How She Might Show Up or How She Misses the Mark

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Tag Archives: overcoming rape

Momma’s Don’t Let Your Babies to Grow to be Rapists

08 Wednesday Jun 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Brock Turner, healing after rape, letter to judge from sexual assault victim, overcoming rape, rape survivor, sexual assault, sexual assault survivor, Stanford rape survivor, Stanford sexual assault, Stanford swimmer

Oh, I’m sorry, am I being a bit sinister? I can’t seem to get that old song tune out of my head “Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys…” by T.R. Dallas.  I mean, hearing yet another absurd news story about the leniency of a young man’s sentencing for being caught in the act of violating an unconscious woman near the dumpster and his father begging the judge to not allow this 20 minute mistake to ruin his life, accomplishing the said extreme lenient sentence of six months in jail and probation?!?!

Revelation 21 4I stood in my bathroom yesterday morning and stared at my reflection in the mirror willing the unclean words that wanted to come out of my mouth to stay put and dissolve with a grace that well surpasses my human ability.

The first sentence of the survivor’s [and no doubt this woman is a survivor and not a victim] letter to her attacker she let’s it be known in a powerful way how the first second of waking up from that ‘twenty minutes’ is like a lifetime sentence to a sexual assault survivor:

“You don’t know me, but you’ve been inside me, and that’s why we’re here today.”

She goes on to explain the feeling of waking up in a hospital, not knowing she was in a hospital, wearing a gown and for the first time realizing she had nothing else on but the gown:

“Everything inside me was silenced. I still don’t have words for that feeling.”

The BUZZFEED article published this brave young survivor’s letter in full and it is not for me to retell what she so eloquently puts in her OWN VOICE… so please feel free to read her statement in the Buzzfeed article here.

However, what I do wish to address is how in the world did such an ‘accomplished’ Stanford bound young college athlete (apparently a swimmer with Olympic dreams) become so ignorant, heartless, self-serving and blatantly disrespectful?

According to the young survivor’s letter, in response to this young man’s very own statement to the court, he blames the entire incident on alcohol. Alcohol?? Well, he wasn’t too drunk because he remembered the incident, enough to change his story a few times.

But I can’t put into words any better than the survivor herself in response to this claim:

no means no“Future reference, if you are confused about whether a girl can consent, see if she can speak an entire sentence. You couldn’t even do that. Just one coherent string of words. Where was the confusion? This is common sense, human decency.

According to him, the only reason we were on the ground was because I fell down. Note; if a girl falls down help her get back up. If she is too drunk to even walk and falls down, do not mount her, hump her, take off her underwear, and insert your hand inside her vagina. If a girl falls down help her up. If she is wearing a cardigan over her dress don’t take it off so that you can touch her breasts. Maybe she is cold, maybe that’s why she wore the cardigan.”

Just common sense, right? Whether or not you are drunk…it’s human decency. This young woman addresses the young man with a simple statement of what human decency might be, even in the worst of situations:

“I want to know, if those evil Swedes [his words] had not found me, how the night would have played out. I am asking you; Would you have pulled my underwear back on over my boots? Untangled the necklace wrapped around my neck? Closed my legs, covered me? Pick the pine needles from my hair? Asked if the abrasions on my neck and bottom hurt? Would you then go find a friend and say, Will you help me get her somewhere warm and soft? I don’t sleep when I think about the way it could have gone if the two guys had never come. What would have happened to me? That’s what you’ll never have a good answer for, that’s what you can’t explain even after a year.”

Most of you who have been reading this blog over the past eight years know that I have two sons. One is headed into his senior year of high school and the other a sophomore. I got to this point of writing the blog and had to take them both to see the doctor for this horrendous cough they’ve been battling for two months. We got into the car and my mind wouldn’t stop racing. So I turned off the radio and let them know what was on my mind.

I explained what had happened to this woman, her letter to her attacker, his responses and excuses, and my response to all of it.

Both boys were shocked. “Mom, you’re preaching to the choir,” one son said.  They were disgusted, didn’t want to hear anymore. And that made me realize even though Neal and I can do our best to drill into our boys respect and dignity of every human life, no matter the circumstance or situation, does it stick? Do we say enough? Do we do enough to convey this message?

I looked at both of my boys sitting on the exam table waiting to be examined and I saw before me two young men that are complete opposites in every way. In their physical attributes, their demeanor, their personality… yet they come from the same mother and father. I know that they have their own free will and will ultimately make their own decisions in life, that it’s their journey and all I can do is do my best to set them up for success but it’s up to them to take what we’ve given and run with it.

Who knows what kind of family this young man came from… maybe his momma did try to keep him from being a perpetrator. Maybe society leaked in other factors that led him to the deterioration of his common sense and decency. Maybe he was viewing too much hard core porn that is becoming more and more popular in our society, further abusing the ‘actresses’ by forcing them into rape situations and other demeaning role plays in order to feed the demand that no longer gets off on simple sensuality. Or maybe it isn’t so much the family as the entire society as a whole for allowing ‘rape’ to become a common place adjective rather than a horrid, unthinkable act.

Has society, in general, become so desensitized to the various acts of sexual assault that they (I say ‘they’ because I will not put myself into this general population) associate it with every day behaviors? In her own words the survivor eloquently states what this ’20 minute sexual assault’ does to both parties:

“Nobody wins. We have all been devastated, we have all been trying to find some meaning in all of this suffering. Your damage was concrete; stripped of titles, degrees, enrollment. My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.

On the other hand, as a society, we cannot forgive everyone’s first sexual assault or digital rape. It doesn’t make sense. The seriousness of rape has to be communicated clearly, we should not create a culture that suggests we learn that rape is wrong through trial and error. The consequences of sexual assault needs to be severe enough that people feel enough fear to exercise good judgment even if they are drunk, severe enough to be preventative.”

Click HERE to read the entire letter.

Once again, my hats off to this young woman. She is my hero. And along with her those two EXTRAORDINARY Swedish men who simply did what I’d like to think we are ALL programmed to do – HELP ONE ANOTHER.

Click here to read their story.

Talk about itHopeful Hearts Ministry is booming and I don’t like it. Why? Because I want it to be that we survivors have spoken SO LOUD that there is no more of this ‘culture of rape’ or ‘ignorance to abuse’ in our society. One day, it is my dream to see that Hopeful Hearts Ministry has to shut every door down because there is no more need.

Until then we are realizing this overwhelming need to clone ourselves… thrivers are desiring to pay forward what they’ve learned and to peer counsel other survivors to a place of thriving. Locations all over Texas, California, Washington State, Louisiana, and even across the seas in Sydney, Australia are asking ‘How can we implement a Hopeful Hearts Ministry in our area?’

I’m working on it…with God’s GRACE I’ll get there. But in the meantime, do as this young woman and SPEAK ABOUT IT.

Momma’s talk to your sons. Let them know what this story does to your heart. By doing so you might prevent a future sexual assault from taking place.

Blessings

Shannon

 

Blessings Outshine Sufferings

12 Thursday May 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Abuse survivors, blessings over sufferings, Bullying, Faith, God's plan for our life, healing after abuse, healing after rape, hope, life after rape, overcoming rape, rape

Last week I had one of the best days ever. Survivor, Caitlin, received one blessing after another in my presence and it as amazing to see her filled with such awe and wonder to God showering her with such love.

If you don’t know, Caitlin is one of my “I Have a Voice” participants and one of my first Hopeful Hearts Ministry ‘survivors’. She was a rape victim at the age of 11 and was 16 when I was introduced to her. She has struggled through bullying, family issues, and it has seemed that every chance she got a ‘leg up’ she’d get knocked down. She is now in her 20’s and she never gave up.

She put herself through homeschool then went on to get a certification in dental hygiene, at the same time working at the local Wal-Mart Central Market. Two weeks ago we had a horrible storm blow through with 60 mph winds that knocked two trees into her home. She lost everything. Clothes, furniture, etc.

That same weekend we had our Taste of Sonoma party that was auctioned at our gala. I briefly told everyone in attendance Caitlin’s story because I wanted to help her in some way. She didn’t ask for the help and she didn’t expect it which made me want to give her more.

By the graciousness of the souls who attended the event I presented her last Wednesday with $960. She broke into tears. “I can’t explain how much of a help this is,” she wrote later in a text. “Thank you so much. It really really means the world to me.” I know she plans to write a thank you to everyone who donated as well.

Never EVER Give upOn that same day, while with me at the office, she received a call she had been anticipating – she got approved for the lowest interest rate to buy a modular home! The light in her eyes made me beam with pride for her. Not to mention the promotion she received at work the day before to Customer Service Manager. (If you live in the Kingwood area be sure to go and say ‘hi’!!)

I went to take a peak at her new, fully furnished, home and it is adorable. She opened the door, turned and said, “It’s like I finally get a clean slate. A brand new start.”

Amen. This is why I love what I do. Caitlin went from a 16-year-old who barely clung to the will to live to a 20-year-old who knows she has an abundance of life waiting for her to enjoy.

Caitlin and her fiance Joe at the Hopeful Hearts Gala

Caitlin and her fiance Joe at the Hopeful Hearts Gala

Just one more example to remind you to never never give up.

Blessings

Shannon

Don’t Own Another’s Shame (Healing from the Shame of Abuse)

01 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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abuse, date rape, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Faith, gang rape, God's grace, healing, healing after abuse, healing after date rape, not your shame, overcoming abuse, overcoming rape, owning shame, rape, shame

A friend sent me an article yesterday that is stirring up quite a bit of controversy. Rocker, Chrissie Hinde, was ganged raped by a group of motorcyclists when she was in her twenties. She admits to being on drugs at the time and trusted them when they promised they’d give her a ride to a party when instead they took her to an abandoned house and raped her.

Over twenty years later and she continues to own their shame. “If I’m walking around in my underwear and I’m drunk? Who else’s fault can it be?” … But if I’m being very lairy and putting it about and being provocative, then you are enticing someone who’s already unhinged — don’t do that. Come on! That’s just common sense. You know, if you don’t want to entice a rapist, don’t wear high heels so you can’t run from him. If you’re wearing something that says ‘Come and f*** me’, you’d better be good on your feet… I don’t think I’m saying anything controversial am I?”

Read the entire article here.

It breaks my heart to read this article. And yet I know the shame she is owning. Had I not gone to his house when his parents weren’t home. Had I not flirted with him as much as I did. Had I not said the things I said that might have enticed him to take what he wanted. Had I … 1 in 3 of you can fill in your own blank.

I don’t care if Chrissie had been walking NAKED, and stoned out of her mind, those men had NO RIGHT to rape her.

God's grace verseNo one, no man or woman (yes women can rape too), has any right to force sex upon another. Even if …. even IF the person says one minute they want to and the next minute they don’t. A person has a right to change their mind. If they say no then they mean no. If they are wishy washy better to let it go and cool off!

Unfortunately, it would be a rare day to get those who have it in their mind to take what they want at any cost to suddenly respect their victim and let them go. I wish I could say we are close to achieving a world where there is no violence or sexual, emotional or physical abuse. I wish. I PRAY.

The enemy has too far a hold on the world as a whole sexuality, therefore there will continue to be even good people that fall into that selfish way. But that is their shame to own, not yours. Not the victims.

Yes, we need to respect ourselves! Yes we need to carry ourselves in such a way that expresses we mean what we say and we claim our dignity. Of course! But you never know the mind of one who has already decided to take what they want regardless of your self-respect and dignity. You could be in a full dress, head to toe robe, and still be a victim of such insidious acts.

As my friend said this weekend, “Don’t allow 15 minutes of abuse to take 30 years of your life.”

without God's graceGranted for many it isn’t just that moment, that time span. For many I work with it is years… and it claims a powerful hold. But we have to take that power back, at some point we have to say ‘enough is enough’ and not allow those moments of another’s sin and shame to claim our entire lives.

If you need help to unclench your fist from the shame of the abuse please pray this prayer with me:

Heavenly Father, I am weak and weary from fighting this battle to overcome this abuse. I did not ask for this to take over my life. I want my life back. This is their shame and not mine. Please help me to see discard this cloak of shame and put on the brilliant robe of Your LOVE and MERCY. I give them over to You for forgiveness. Help me to not waste another moment of the life I’ve been given to LIVE on the memory of what had been done to me in the past. You have given me a purpose in this world, help me to look ahead to the blessings that are waiting to unfold for me. In Jesus Name I pray – Amen.

 

I am headed to Pittsburgh, PA to do a TV interview on ‘Real Life’ TV www.ctvn.org I have a live interview on the 9am (EST) show and then we are taping another interview. Go on line and check out a possible listing in your area!

Blessings

Shannon
Exposed_cover_only Get your copy of Shannon Deitz’s personal story, EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle.

JennikasIf you live in the Kingwood area get your SIGNED copy of EXPOSED and the Hopeful Hearts Charms at Jennika’s on Kings Harbor.

There IS a Better Day to Come (Healing with Time)

12 Wednesday Aug 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Bullying, date rape, Faith, God's love, healing, healing after rape, overcoming rape, rape, REFINER'S FIRE

Yesterday I met with Caitlin, a young woman whom I was introduced to a few years ago. Her story is quite extraordinary. She is a rape survivor. She was 13 when she was set up by her friend, locked in her friend’s bedroom and raped by two young men.

The rapes left her with an extended hospital stay and a great amount of fear. The oldest of the two boys was convicted and sent to prison, the younger of the two did some time in juvie. Instead of Caitlin getting support from her peers she got ridiculed, blamed and bullied. Eventually she quite school and was home-schooled.

Caitlin’s story in her own words:


Caitlin and I first met just over two years ago. She was finishing high school, working a full-time job and done with living the life of a victim. Quiet, even at times painfully shy, Caitlin did what most adults find it difficult to do, and that is tell her story, demand more for herself in life, and set out to make it happen. She just needed a little encouragement, support and a gentle nudge in the right direction if she faltered back into the ‘comfort of her fears’.

Today Caitlin is merely months away from completing her Dental Hygienist certification. She has been dating a young man who respects, cherishes and supports her. Life is still not easy for Caitlin…there are residual effects from the rapes and even the bullying years ago, but she perseveres and continues to wait for the next blessing.

We met in the new Hopeful Hearts Headquarters and I noticed her staring at the affirmation wall. “If you could pick one word off the wall that stands out the most for you today which word grabs you?”

IMG_7405

She didn’t hesitate. “Empowered. I’ve been staring at it this entire time. After all these years I finally feel like I can see the good in today and what is in store for me. I feel strong and, well, empowered. It’s crazy to think of how I felt when we first met. I was ready to take my life and now there is so much I want to do.”

Listening to her, watching the spark in her eye dance and the smile on her face widen, caused my heart to overflow with joy. Yes, it’s been a long, tough road and there were moments when it seemed she’d lost all hope to continue but she never gave up. She trusted in God’s plan for her and leaned on the support he’d given her in the ones she loved.

She is an encouragement to me. In fact, rarely is there someone I’ve seen that hasn’t become some form of a reminder in what a little tenacity and perseverance can prevail.

If I were to look at the affirmation wall today I’d say my word is:

REFINED

IMG_7406

My Lord is ‘refining’ me, molding, tweaking and forming me into His image. It has definitely been a ‘refining year’ and now that I feel closer to the final stages I am grateful for every single struggle along the way.

 

What is YOUR word today?

images-7

Remember it is one day at a time, one blessing, one moment, one breath.

Blessings

Shannon

Read more of Shannon’s story overcoming date rape for only $1.99 on Kindle.

Exposed_cover_only

Be Gentle On Yourself (Healing Day 31)

31 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

Desiderata poem, faith in healing, healing, healing after abuse, healing after domestic violence, healing after rape, healing from emotional abuse, healing massage, healing touch, overcoming abuse, overcoming domestic violence, overcoming rape

My shoulders were tired of carrying the weight of my ear lobes so I gave in and went in for a massage. No longer could I pass off the grimaces from literally stabbing pain as ‘nothing’…it was something and I needed relief.

Referrals do wonders and I went to see Leti Mathews at Integrated Bodyworks. While mixing a special concoction of oils for the massage we got the usual niceties out of the way. When I told her what I did ‘for a living’ (which is somewhat of an oxymoron because it is what takes up most of my time besides being a mother and yet I don’t get paid for either job … so it’s not really ‘for a living’ ;) ) her interest was piqued.

She had always wanted to help survivors who were not comfortable with touch due to the abuse(s) they incurred. She explained how she had massaged someone who had been through years of physical and emotional abuse, this person had never really known a gentle or tender touch, and it took years for this person to be convinced to get a massage. When they finally consented they cried throughout the entire massage…tears of release and acceptance of receiving gentleness. In the end the person voiced how healing the massage had been not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.

Immediately I knew this person’s emotions. It is how I felt when I first received a massage. It was a mixture of emotions to be touched in such a way that was therapeutic and healing rather than sensual and demanding. I’ll admit I still don’t do well with male therapists but that is why we can take the lead and request a female. ;)

It is my prayer that Leti and I might work together to incorporate some type of healing touch program. God willing we will see what that pans out to be soon.

While in the building I went to the restroom before the massage and saw this poem on the wall:

image

It is the Desiderata a poem written by Max Ehrmann and a few phrases in the short time I was in there captured my heart. I tried to find a better way to show it on here so you could read it phrase by phrase but there was nothing more clear than this YouTube video. If you are in need of encouragement let spending this short 4 minutes reading this poem be your joy.

The phrase that caught me for today was: “Be gentle on yourself.”

I needed to allow this saying to pierce my heart. In my mailbox daily for the past five days were comments on a blog that was not mine. About a personal story that was very much close to my own and yet mine felt ‘unnoticed’ in regards to this response. Why does this matter? Why does this make my heart sink in one breath and applaud in the next to see the outpouring of survivors scrambling to respond to this one post?

God spoke to my heart earlier today: ‘Be gentle on yourself, this is their path, not yours. What I have for you is for you and what I have for them is meant for them.’

I know this. And yet it is easier to believe ‘I’m not as good or good enough.’ than it is to accept ‘That isn’t for me…mine is yet to come.’

Seeing the phrase ‘Be gentle on yourself’ solidified this moment I had with God.

We are often harder on ourselves than even our worst enemy. There is enough to keep us struggling, let’s not add our own internal insecurities and degradations to the list.

Enjoy the weekend.

Blessings

Shannon

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