Self-Sabotage

Tags

Abuse survivors, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, healing journey with PTSD, insecurities in abuse survivors, overcoming insecurity, overcoming ptsd, rape surviviors, self-sabotage

The inner workings of an abuse survivor’s mind is quite complicated. I’m not sure those that haven’t suffered some form of neglect, degradation, trauma, tragedy, sexual assault, violation, etc would not be able to understand. Lately, I’ve been trying to explain these things to a gentleman who has a desire to help the ministry, but has not quite suffered any form of abuse. After three meetings I decided I needed to be up front and reminded him that I was a survivor of abuse, that I still struggled with self-sabotaging thoughts.

When he gave me a list of questions about the ministry, in regards to more of the business side (which consequently is not my strength) my mind would immediately release on an inner attack – “I shouldn’t be doing this. He probably thinks I’m a joke. I’m not sure I have what it takes to do this, I’ll never be enough. It just won’t work. I suck.”

When I explained this to him he was genuinely shocked. “I wasn’t thinking any of those things about you at all. I am impressed with what you’ve done and I’m just trying to look at it from my point of view to understand better what you offer. I always wondered why you said, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing, I should just let it go.’ It didn’t seem like something you’d say, but now I get it.”

My cheeks flamed. I had no idea I’d said that out loud. Embarrassing.

I don’t feel that way. I really don’t. I’m quite confident in what God continues to call me to and I put it into His direction of what I should doing and what steps to take. However, after speaking to him I realized one of my trigger points is that insecurity of not doing something well or right. All of his questions, as harmless and even helpful as they were, triggered that insecurity and without even realizing it I went to the inner dialogue that had been comfortable for so long.

The positive in this happening, and my courage to let him know the truth to this self-sabotage behavior, is that it helped him to better understand the dynamic of why Hopeful Hearts Ministry is helpful to those who had been abused. That it is very difficult to ‘just get over it’ when talking about many forms of abuse. That our goal is that we can acknowledge it an aspect of our life story but it doesn’t have to take our life.

I know there are many other ways we self-sabotage. For instance, I can also see that I beat myself up when I’m not able to have as much self-discipline as I’d like when it comes to eating certain foods. Or it can get us in the lack of or even over exercising, or our duties as a mother/father, wife/husband.

We must be kinder to ourselves. I’m preaching to ME today. I need to make an extra effort to recognize when these self-sabotaging comments invade my thoughts and STOP, REDIRECT, and PRAISE myself for how far I’ve come.

How about you? Pay attention to the thoughts that swirl about during these next few days… how is it you are self-sabotaging and what triggers it? And join me in taking the next step to breaking the unhealthy habit.

Blessings

Shannon

Leslie’s Journey Day 3 (Facing the Past and Taking it Back)

Tags

abduction survivor speaks, abuse, Abuse survivors, healing after abuse, healing after ptsd, overcoming ptsd, overcoming terror, PTSD, ptsd survivor, story of an abduction survivor, survivor of terror

When God wants it to happen He makes the seas divide… sometimes the ‘God-incidences’ of our trip were simply amazing.

On Friday, Leslie and I planned to go for a drive through the Collegiate Mountains to see if we could just get an idea of where she was held for five days. Before we left, my dad sat down with her and a map of the area. At the same time a man working for my parents to fix up some things in the cabins overheard them talking and offered his assistance. He lived in the area for his entire life and new every back road, hiking trail, etc very well.

From what she described and could remember he pointed to an area of the Collegiate mountains that was only a 10 minute drive away from my parents place in Twin Lakes.

“From what I knew about the Collegiate Mountains, this is the only trail that does what you are telling me. It has to be right here that he took you.” He highlighted the area for us and later that morning we set off to see if it jogged any memory for Leslie.

I wish we had a dashboard camera… from her Day 1 & 2 video she talked about how she remember it being very barren of trees as they drove for awhile up the Collegiate Mountains and then he pulled off into a section of road that went into the trees.

Well, we found it. The spot. The very spot.

This is on the trail Leslie and the others were forced to hike up the mountain, with hands tied.

I’ll let her explain, in her own words, what she recalls.

 

Leslie reminisced about how she remembered actively putting this ‘into a box’ (quite literally, she hid the newspaper articles in a box) for decades because of one person, whom she loved, saying to her, ‘Weren’t you embarrassed?’ when she spoke of the ordeal.

This is a view looking up the trail that the abductor took the car and then bottomed it out… making them get out and hike up the rest of the way (Leslie with heeled boots and none of them were dressed for the cold weather)

Sometimes people can’t fathom such tragic and horrifying truths and they say things that can hinder someone’s growth. Most often not intentional, but still harmful. Leslie and I both agreed that we realize to those that have not had anything traumatic occur in their life it is difficult to accept as reality and when they have someone like us, that brings it close to home for them, it messes with their inner sense of safety so they will often say inappropriate things almost as a personal comfort.

Tomorrow I will share Leslie’s final reaction to meeting her past head one, what she chose to do to commemorate the moment, and how she feels today.

Blessings

Shannon