Self-Sabotage

Tags

Abuse survivors, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, healing journey with PTSD, insecurities in abuse survivors, overcoming insecurity, overcoming ptsd, rape surviviors, self-sabotage

The inner workings of an abuse survivor’s mind is quite complicated. I’m not sure those that haven’t suffered some form of neglect, degradation, trauma, tragedy, sexual assault, violation, etc would not be able to understand. Lately, I’ve been trying to explain these things to a gentleman who has a desire to help the ministry, but has not quite suffered any form of abuse. After three meetings I decided I needed to be up front and reminded him that I was a survivor of abuse, that I still struggled with self-sabotaging thoughts.

When he gave me a list of questions about the ministry, in regards to more of the business side (which consequently is not my strength) my mind would immediately release on an inner attack – “I shouldn’t be doing this. He probably thinks I’m a joke. I’m not sure I have what it takes to do this, I’ll never be enough. It just won’t work. I suck.”

When I explained this to him he was genuinely shocked. “I wasn’t thinking any of those things about you at all. I am impressed with what you’ve done and I’m just trying to look at it from my point of view to understand better what you offer. I always wondered why you said, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing, I should just let it go.’ It didn’t seem like something you’d say, but now I get it.”

My cheeks flamed. I had no idea I’d said that out loud. Embarrassing.

I don’t feel that way. I really don’t. I’m quite confident in what God continues to call me to and I put it into His direction of what I should doing and what steps to take. However, after speaking to him I realized one of my trigger points is that insecurity of not doing something well or right. All of his questions, as harmless and even helpful as they were, triggered that insecurity and without even realizing it I went to the inner dialogue that had been comfortable for so long.

The positive in this happening, and my courage to let him know the truth to this self-sabotage behavior, is that it helped him to better understand the dynamic of why Hopeful Hearts Ministry is helpful to those who had been abused. That it is very difficult to ‘just get over it’ when talking about many forms of abuse. That our goal is that we can acknowledge it an aspect of our life story but it doesn’t have to take our life.

I know there are many other ways we self-sabotage. For instance, I can also see that I beat myself up when I’m not able to have as much self-discipline as I’d like when it comes to eating certain foods. Or it can get us in the lack of or even over exercising, or our duties as a mother/father, wife/husband.

We must be kinder to ourselves. I’m preaching to ME today. I need to make an extra effort to recognize when these self-sabotaging comments invade my thoughts and STOP, REDIRECT, and PRAISE myself for how far I’ve come.

How about you? Pay attention to the thoughts that swirl about during these next few days… how is it you are self-sabotaging and what triggers it? And join me in taking the next step to breaking the unhealthy habit.

Blessings

Shannon

What is Your Word for the Year?

Tags

Abuse survivors, CONFIDENCE, healing after abuse, insecurities, NEW YEAR RESOLUTION, overcoming insecurity, WORD FOR THE YEAR

I began 2016 feeling as if my ‘word’ for the year was JOY. Receiving it, recognizing it, holding onto it and even giving it to others. And I have managed to find hints of ‘JOY’ in every day blessings. However, I don’t think that is my true ‘word’ to work on for the year.

Yesterday I wrote in my journal about a few insecurities I had and asked God to give me the confidence to overcome these issues once and for all. That word struck my spirit like a bolt of lightning.

CONFIDENCE

I wrote to God that I realize He needs me to be confident in Him and by being confident in Him I can be confident in what He calls me to. So I changed my word. Because until I can feel confident in who He created me to be will I ever really know the JOY He has intended for me.

At the end of the journal is a bible verse, and I kid you not, this was the verse:

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

Hebrews 10:35-36

God is quick!  I love the validation and confirmation. I know growing in confidence won’t be the easiest. It will push me to difficult levels of anxiousness I’m sure but I know it is time.

So what is your ‘word’ this year?

Blessings

Shannon

No One Knows You Better Than YOU (Healing When We Stop Making Excuses)

Tags

Abuse survivors, be yourself, healing, healing after abuse, healing after tragedy, insecurities, overcoming abuse, overcoming insecurity, you do you

Tough post today. For me and for you if you are willing to give what it takes to heal.

I’ve gradually been conquering the leap over many hurdles that have been firmly planted in my psyche, in concrete no doubt, and the only way I’ve been able to actually clear the tops of each hurdle and land firmly on the balls of my feet is by finally taking notice of ME.

The real ME.

What makes me tick? What really makes me happy? What do I want to do and why? The world won’t end if I say ‘no’ and I should say YES if I want to say yes.

What I find interesting about myself if I look back on my journey is how much time I’ve spent grieving over such selfish tendencies. I wanted to be able to say “I want to do this.” and “No, I don’t want to do this.” yet I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.

What joined this mindset was a very childish response and need to inwardly whine. Why doesn’t anyone want to do for me? Why can’t they see what I need? When others were confident in what they wanted to do or say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to I would take it personally, “Why do they get to have that freedom and I don’t?” Whine whine whine

A few of these firm hurdles in my path have been that inner victim wanting someone to notice all I’d been through, to pick me up and carry me over the hurdles so I could feel validated and not have to work so hard at trying.

If am to be honest with myself I’ve often passed the buck to others in certain projects not because of laziness or lack of interest but because of the fear of failure. I’ve not done well at trusting my own instincts and yet I expect others to read my mind.

This year I’ve worked hard at coming to know me … and for a survivor it is not that easy. I’ve been hearing certain lies in my head for years. No matter how much I do it was never going to be enough. If I received praise I accepted it politely but inwardly refused to receive it convincing myself I would soon mess up and they’d want to retract their affirmations.

Enough is enough. Reality slapped me upside the head this year and I realized I’d been standing at the hurdles with complacency. Who cares if I get over them? It’s not so bad standing here on the path…I’ve gone far enough.

Suddenly I realized how bright and colorful the path was ahead and where I stood it was drab, dark and the air stale.

No more excuses. I first realized I could not expect others to change to suit my lack of desire to change. Now that is what true selfishness is! When that hit home I began to look at myself and pinpoint where I needed change to begin and that was in being able to be sincere in my intentions for me.

Only I can know what will make me happy, sad, depressed, hopeful, inspired, etc. To expect others to know what makes me tick is selfish. Granted those who are the closest might be able to get a few things right but what about when they are wrong? Do I have a right to get upset because they aren’t reading my mind and taking care of me when I don’t communicate what  I need?

I had been so reluctant to communicate what I need, like, don’t like, desire, etc because I didn’t want anyone to feel obligated. But the truth is, they have a right to say no, yes, okay, and to communicate back what they might need, like, desire, etc to put us both on equal ground of satisfaction.

I don’t think it’s just survivors of abuse that struggle with this issue. I think it’s a human issue and I just want to affirm you.

You do you. You be you. Because YOU are exactly what is needed in this world. In accepting this accept others for them. Give mutual respect and learn to speak up.

Blessings

Shannon
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Overcoming an Insecurity (Healing What Eats Us Alive)

Tags

dealing with insecurity, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, healing after tragedy, Insecurity, overcoming insecurity

**Flashback post from 2013…when I read through this I wanted to crawl back into the moment and tell ‘me’ that I would soon overcome many more insecurities, to give ‘me’ a pat on the back, tell myself good job and let ‘me’ know that in just a few years something will rock her world that will throw her back into the pit of insecurity and because of her amazing will to fight and refuse to get stuck in that pit (for she knows it well) she will bust out and finally have the real courage to overcome some of her most deep seeded insecurities.

It might seem like it would be a gift to know what the future holds but in many ways I believe it would only paralyze me to have to suffer through it to get to what the future promises. In reality it is better left a mystery and to embrace each moment as the gift it is.**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did something crazy today. Ran in the heat of the day. Brutal. I used to swear you would never catch me running anytime after 10am during the hottest months of summer.

So why today? Granted it is ‘cooler’ than it has been.  Today was just 90 degrees, at least 10 degrees cooler than it has been in the past few weeks. I was antsy because my whole day had been thrown off its axis. I woke up 20 minutes before my 3:45am alarm to go to adoration. (I’d like to think God was anxious to see me so He made sure I was awake ha ha). I had planned to go work out after adoration but was exhausted. So I went home and crawled back into bed.

I slept till 8am and couldn’t get my eyes to fully ‘awaken’ till around 8:30. Still I felt sluggish and out of sorts. By 10:30 I finally was moving around and getting into gear preparing for our trip to the lake with Seth’s Godparents for the weekend. I looked at a Red Box movie we’d rented and thought “I’ll run to HEB and turn it in. It’s not that far.”

Which is what led me to be out in the heat of the day, running on the busiest road in Kingwood, sweating my tush off! Do you know how big that was for me? (Not my tush but the run?  )  Not just to run in the heat of the day…but to put myself out there running toward the busiest intersection in Kingwood? If you harbor any sort of insecurity then you understand. It was a HUGE step for me, especially because I’m not the most ‘athletic’ person so I feel like people are looking and thinking, “Bless her heart,” with pity on their faces.

I made it to HEB without a hitch. Had that awful moment of waiting at the busy intersection for my right of way. But I managed. Once I returned the movie I had the bright idea to keep going away from my house and make it to the next cross walk so I could cross over Kingwood drive and then head back on the opposite side of the street. It probably added another 1/2-3/4 mile to my run. I found what I thought was a good place to cross over, but it wasn’t until I made it to the other side that I realized there was no sidewalk headed back in the direction of my house. This was another test for me, I knew it immediately because I don’t always make the brightest decisions. I thought to myself, “I can walk on the side of the road in the grass until it picks up to the sidewalk.”

Normally my thought process would stop there and I’d just go with it. But for some reason my thoughts continued and I could see the issues that could arise. There wasn’t much space on the grass to keep me from getting sideswiped by the multitude of passing cars. Frustrated that I’d run all that way to begin with I turned around and went back the way I came. Once again I passed through the busy intersection and made it home.

Why was this such a big moment for me today? Because I listened to my own voice and worked passed an insecurity. I’d heard a few honks on my run and sure enough when I was able to check my texts I saw a few friends had seen me running. And I was proud of myself because I wasn’t mortified. It is a small sense of freedom to not have to care about such a menial thing anymore.

Do you have any of these small insecurities that have kept you from listening to what you want to do? Pick one and set about a plan to conquer it. You’ll wonder why it ever bothered you in the first place!

Blessings
Shannon

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Overcoming Insecurities (Day 220)

Tags

Faith, Insecurity, overcoming insecurity

I did something crazy today. Ran in the heat of the day. Brutal. I used to swear you would never catch me running anytime after 10am during the hottest months of summer.

So why today? Granted it is ‘cooler’ than it has been. Today was just 90 degrees, at least 10 degrees cooler than it has been in the past few weeks. I was antsy because my whole day had been thrown off its axis. I woke up 20 minutes before my 3:45am alarm to go to adoration. (I’d like to think God was anxious to see me so He made sure I was awake ha ha). I had planned to go work out after adoration but was exhausted. So I went home and crawled back into bed.

I slept till 8am and couldn’t get my eyes to fully ‘awaken’ till around 8:30. Still I felt sluggish and out of sorts. By 10:30 I finally was moving around and getting into gear preparing for our trip to the lake with Seth’s Godparents for the weekend. I looked at a Red Box movie we’d rented and thought “I’ll run to HEB and turn it in. It’s not that far.”

Which is what led me to be out in the heat of the day, running on the busiest road in Kingwood, sweating my tush off! Do you know how big that was for me? (Not my tush but the run? ) Not just to run in the heat of the day…but to put myself out there running toward the busiest intersection in Kingwood? If you harbor any sort of insecurity then you understand. It was a HUGE step for me, especially because I’m not the most ‘athletic’ person so I feel like people are looking and thinking, “Bless her heart,” with pity on their faces.

I made it to HEB without a hitch. Had that awful moment of waiting at the busy intersection for my right of way. But I managed. Once I returned the movie I had the ‘bright’ idea to keep going away from my house and make it to the next cross walk so I could cross over Kingwood drive and then head back on the opposite side of the street. It probably added another 1/2-3/4 mile to my run. I found what I thought was a good place to cross over, but it wasn’t until I made it to the other side that I realized there was no sidewalk headed back in the direction of my house. This was another test for me, I knew it immediately because I don’t always make the brightest decisions. I thought to myself, “I can walk on the side of the road in the grass until it picks up to the sidewalk.”

Normally my thought process would stop there and I’d just go with it. But for some reason my thoughts continued and I could see the issues that could arise. There wasn’t much space on the grass to keep me from getting sideswiped by the multitude of passing cars. Frustrated that I’d run all that way to begin with I turned around and went back the way I came. Once again I passed through the busy intersection and made it home.

Why was this such a big moment for me today? Because I listened to my own voice and worked passed an insecurity. I’d heard a few honks on my run and sure enough when I was able to check my texts I saw a few friends had seen me running. And I was proud of myself because I wasn’t mortified. It is a small sense of freedom to not have to care about such a menial thing anymore.

Do you have any of these small insecurities that have kept you from listening to what you want to do? Pick one and set about a plan to conquer it. You’ll wonder why it ever bothered you in the first place!

Blessings
Shannon

Simply Begin (Day 198)

Tags

Abuse survivors, beginning new projects, overcoming anxiety, overcoming fear, overcoming insecurity, pushing past fear, survivors healing

Ureka! I had a moment this morning and was given validation for the new writing project I’m working on. I have been praying and mulling over what this new project should be, what would be its purpose, what did I feel God wanted to have come across and the most important struggle, accepting what I might put on the pages would be ‘good enough’ to help or inspire someone else to find their voice and use it.

Helping and inspiring someone is sort of the ‘key ingrediant’ for an inspirational self-help book. Right? It’s been suggested to me more than once over the past few years to write such a book and I’ve been quick to put the idea to the side. My problem has been trying to ‘get over myself’ in order to allow God to work through me and help someone else.

I do it through the ministry why shouldn’t I feel comfortable doing it on paper? Seems logical yet I struggle. I’ve been looking over other similar books that have inspired and helped me through the years and even though they aren’t all written by authors with ‘Dr.’ beside their name I still feel the intimidation of the fact that without a title where are my credentials? Through prayer I’ve been working this out, gathering the courage to sit down and simply begin. So I did, and it felt good. 🙂

Validation was given when a young woman came by for a visit this morning and as we were talking she made a comment that was nearly verbatim to what I’d written the day before in my brainstorming process.   I needed to hear I was taking the right path and He gave me  confirmation.  The ball has started rolling and hopefully it’ll pick up speed. All I can do is trust in what I feel called to do, listen to what I feel God would like me to share, and put it in His hands. But I’ll never know if it will go anywhere or help anybody if I don’t follow through. Being that I would like to age well with the least amount of regrets to suffer then sitting down to begin is my only option.

Are you putting off doing something you feel called to do but find that a lack in self-esteem is allowing fear to block your course? Have you tried to put it off but it keeps coming back? It might be your time to make a move and simply begin.

Blessings Shannon