Self-Sabotage

Tags

Abuse survivors, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, healing journey with PTSD, insecurities in abuse survivors, overcoming insecurity, overcoming ptsd, rape surviviors, self-sabotage

The inner workings of an abuse survivor’s mind is quite complicated. I’m not sure those that haven’t suffered some form of neglect, degradation, trauma, tragedy, sexual assault, violation, etc would not be able to understand. Lately, I’ve been trying to explain these things to a gentleman who has a desire to help the ministry, but has not quite suffered any form of abuse. After three meetings I decided I needed to be up front and reminded him that I was a survivor of abuse, that I still struggled with self-sabotaging thoughts.

When he gave me a list of questions about the ministry, in regards to more of the business side (which consequently is not my strength) my mind would immediately release on an inner attack – “I shouldn’t be doing this. He probably thinks I’m a joke. I’m not sure I have what it takes to do this, I’ll never be enough. It just won’t work. I suck.”

When I explained this to him he was genuinely shocked. “I wasn’t thinking any of those things about you at all. I am impressed with what you’ve done and I’m just trying to look at it from my point of view to understand better what you offer. I always wondered why you said, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing, I should just let it go.’ It didn’t seem like something you’d say, but now I get it.”

My cheeks flamed. I had no idea I’d said that out loud. Embarrassing.

I don’t feel that way. I really don’t. I’m quite confident in what God continues to call me to and I put it into His direction of what I should doing and what steps to take. However, after speaking to him I realized one of my trigger points is that insecurity of not doing something well or right. All of his questions, as harmless and even helpful as they were, triggered that insecurity and without even realizing it I went to the inner dialogue that had been comfortable for so long.

The positive in this happening, and my courage to let him know the truth to this self-sabotage behavior, is that it helped him to better understand the dynamic of why Hopeful Hearts Ministry is helpful to those who had been abused. That it is very difficult to ‘just get over it’ when talking about many forms of abuse. That our goal is that we can acknowledge it an aspect of our life story but it doesn’t have to take our life.

I know there are many other ways we self-sabotage. For instance, I can also see that I beat myself up when I’m not able to have as much self-discipline as I’d like when it comes to eating certain foods. Or it can get us in the lack of or even over exercising, or our duties as a mother/father, wife/husband.

We must be kinder to ourselves. I’m preaching to ME today. I need to make an extra effort to recognize when these self-sabotaging comments invade my thoughts and STOP, REDIRECT, and PRAISE myself for how far I’ve come.

How about you? Pay attention to the thoughts that swirl about during these next few days… how is it you are self-sabotaging and what triggers it? And join me in taking the next step to breaking the unhealthy habit.

Blessings

Shannon

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Leslie’s Journey – Day 3 Part 2 – Beauty in the Ashes

Tags

abduction survivor speaks, abduction victim speaks out, abuse, Abuse survivors, healing, HEALING AFTER TRAUMA, overcoming tragedy, overcoming trauma, PTSD, PTSD Survivors

As Leslie and I hiked up the path that she had once been tied up and forced to hike up in healed boots, we kept looking ahead almost expecting this ghost of a boogeyman to pop out of nowhere. She kept saying, “It’s like a ghost town…or dream. Surreal to be here again.”

Then she stopped. “Oh my gosh!”

My head still caught in the ‘spookiness’ of the moment, my heart picked up pace quickly. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Look at that, it’s a sign.” She looked at me and I thought she might cry.

There in the middle of dirt, twigs, and burnt lumber from a past forest fire was a small spring bloom. Neither of us know what it is, very well could be a weed, but it didn’t matter. It was beauty in the ashes.

“I have to leave something here.” And she explained what she wanted to do. Now it was me who couldn’t stop the tears. I had her explain for you all:

 

Once she put the charm in it’s resting place we held hands and said a prayer for the other survivors that were with her for that horrific week, as well as for all survivors who are currently struggling to take their life back, and for those that have yet to go through the struggle, that they will know the warmth and comfort of God’s peace despite the horror of the situation.

Once this was done we started walking a bit more up the mountain and then we heard a rustle.

“I’m done,” she said. And we both booked it back down the path, laughing along the way. We weren’t scared but we weren’t stupid either.

We celebrated with lunch, shopping and later that evening a fantastic meal at the Twin Lakes Lodge with my parents, Tim & Judy McGraw, who had been gracious hosts the entire four days.

Who can resist a sheep dog hat? It’s the ‘in’ thing… 😉

Leslie, Tim, Shannon, and Judy. Thanks again Mom and Dad!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a successful trip and one I am honored to have been a part of with Leslie. I pray what you take from Leslie’s example is not so much shoving, stuffing, or ignoring your past, but about facing it, acknowledging it, and giving yourself credit for surviving it…and then move on to thrive.

Blessings

Shannon

Leslie’s Journey – Taking Her Life Back

Tags

Abuse survivors, Faith, healing, healing after an abduction, healing after rape, healing from PTSD, overcoming abuse, PTSD sufferers, rape survivor

How often do we  get through life pushing our past into dark hidden corners, stuffing it into tight spots, shoving it into closets praying no one will ever find the secret fear, shame, and guilt the past harbors?

Survivors of abuse, any abuse, are pro’s at shoving, stuffing, and hiding… and then we are shocked when we realize the ugly remnants of our past have actually seeped out into our reactions and responses over the past 10, 20, 30 years. So we finally talk about it.

Our voice arises from the dark hidden places and much to our surprise we realize how freeing it is to be heard. We desire to conquer the past, to put it behind us once and for all, no longer harboring any undo fear, or guilt and shame that is simply not ours to store and carry.

When this process takes place, this is when the survivor moves to thriver. And it’s a beautiful sight.

This week I have the great honor and blessing of joining one survivor, Leslie, on a journey of taking her life back. She’s unearthed her past, spoken on the various abuses she’s been through and finally wants to face head on the one incident in her life that had held her captive for many years.

We are going to the mountains in Colorado where Leslie was abducted and held for five days. It was around 1984, 24-year-old Leslie applied for a job through an employment agency working for a new car dealership in Amarillo, TX. She was under the impression she was to help go to car auctions and drive them back to the dealership.

Having landed the job, Leslie, along with two other young women and a young man (under age, 17 who had lied about his age to get the job) headed out to Colorado with their employer, David Benz ( who at the time gave a fake name).

Traveling the ten hours to Colorado no one suspected that the man behind the wheel was a convicted kidnapper and rapist. He had escaped from the Pueblo Mental Institute out of Pueblo, CO.

For the next five days these young people were held captive in the mountains of Colorado. And this week, Leslie and I are going back to the area she’d tried to keep hidden in her past for so long.

Join this brave survivor, as she takes back her past and courageously reclaims her present and future.  Where we will be staying might not have the proper internet to be able to post … please stay tuned as I plan to help Leslie capture this time in the way she sees fit to share.

Blessings

Shannon

Day of Reckoning Part 2 of an Incest Survivor’s Journey to Healing

Tags

Abuse survivors, catch my breath, child abuse, Faith, healing, healing from abuse, healing our wounds, incest survivors, journey to healing, kelly clarkson catch my breath, overcoming childabuse

*This is a revisiting of the journey I took to ‘put the final nail’ in my abuser’s coffin…*

—————————————-

I figured today I would blog as I could, give you the range of my emotions.  Right now it’s 7:37am and after a very fitful night of sleep I am hearing Martina McBride’s song Independence Day  in my head “Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing.  Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning.  Let the weak be strong.  Let the right be wrong.  Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay.  It’s Independence Day.”

I have 3 hours before the funeral service.  My uncle called me last night to check in and make sure I made it in town ok.  He mentioned the family will gather at my grandfather’s house afterward.  I know I make them nervous.  Like I’m a ticking time bomb and they need to ‘handle me with delicate care.’  I suppose they are right.  Seriously, my intention is not to ‘go off’ on anyone.  Or even discuss it for that matter.  They’ve hid their heads in the sand long enough there is nothing I can say now that would make them change the way they view or care about their father or father -in -law.  Not that it would be my place to anyway.

Today is for me.  Even if he is ashes.  It is for me to know that I have a voice, even if it is words I’ll say in my head.  Heather thought of bringing an actual nail.  I thought that was funny.  So at this moment I am numb, not expecting anything.  I might not feel anything at all.  And that’s okay.  Because simply making the trip here is therapeutic.  I felt I needed to do it and I am.

Ran 2.5 miles around the new Hotel building… Now sitting in the service. Nice to see my Uncles… I do love them. In the shower I had another memory… And through my tears I thought about when I’ve had moments of feeling others pain. I know I don’t wish him to hell and I feel for my uncles on ever embracing the truth of their father.

Im sitting in the back and I’m catching my breath.

Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson..

 

Blessings

Shannon

Get your copy of Shannon’s memoir today for only $1.99 on Kindle.

The Effects of Abuse are Universal (Healing ALL Hearts) *Plus FREE eBook Promotion*

Tags

abuse, abuse awareness, Bullying, child abuse, domestic violence, domestic violence awarenes, Faith, healing, overcoming sexual assault, sexual assault, sexual assualt prevention, speaking out, universal effects of abuse

*This is a past blog I felt important to share again for Sexual Assault Prevention Month*  BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE SPECIAL BOOK PROMOTION (FREE!!!) AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POST!!!

“Isn’t domestic violence different than having been raped? Don’t they experience different emotions and healing?” This was a question posed to me today at lunch.

Among abuse the ‘act’ perpetrated can be different: ie: physical violence, forced sexual contact, psychological mind play, verbal degrading, neglect, etc, however, the lasting effect of surviving any form of abuse is universal. The wound of feeling unworthy, shame and guilt is the same no matter what form of abuse created it.

The group I was with happened to be some ladies in the area that I’d never met with before and I was happy to have the question because in truth, I’m sure many people assume in helping one to heal it has to be separate. We focus on Domestic Violence separate from Date Rape, and yet, if it is the boyfriend or date doing the rape it is considered violence (domestic if they are dating)…and more often than not a young woman in a violent relationship or marriage that is being beaten, psychologically controlled and manipulated is also at some point in the relationship being raped by their boyfriend or spouse.

The verbal, mental and emotional abuse is often the underlying factor to nearly every form of abuse. Even with neglect…the lack of love, lack of care, lack of emotion and affirmation is verbal, and emotional abuse.

The effects of abuse last beyond the initial fist to cheek, push, slap, degrading comment, humiliation, or any moment of a forced sexual act or even innuendo. The effect is the insecurity that affects life-altering decisions. The effect is the lack of self-respect brought on by the guilt. The effect is the fear that is triggered by a word, touch, scent or situation.

The effect is same for a four year old American caucasian or black girl raped by their grandfather as it is for a four year old African caucasian or black girl raped by the militia. The effect is the same for a thirty year old hispanic woman beaten daily emotionally and physically by her husband as it is for an asian woman being demeaned and degraded, set aside by her husband. The effect is the same for a young boy molested by his next door neighbor as it is for a young boy being sold on the streets. Or a son beaten and verbally broken down into submission by his father as it is for boy excessively bullied at school.

The effects of abuse are universal which is why it is so important to spread the awareness of what it does to each of us. To get more and more survivors to talk about it and be heard so that generations to come can be aware, know the effects and how they affect a person, therefore empowering them to walk (or run) from a situation before it can take place…or in the least know to get help immediately if found in a similar situation.

Another woman asked, “How do you listen to so many stories every day especially when you are a survivor? Doesn’t it affect you negatively?”

The truth is this, hearing others stories and how they have lived through them and survived them first gives me continued hope and courage because sitting before me is a person who has lived through hell. They are still here and they are wanting to live. Second, the offense fuels the fire of my calling. To speak out, to help others speak out, to spread awareness and offer hope. And finally, I want nothing more than to see the person before me succeed in reclaiming their worth and take back their life. To not only survive but thrive beyond what was ‘done or said’
to them.

I left the lunch feeling a bit more invigorated and encouraged because by having to explain what I do it was as if God wanted me to hear what I needed to say.

If you have any questions about Hopeful Hearts Ministry or if you know of someone who could benefit from our ministry please do not hesitate to contact me at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com.

Blessings
Shannon

  *SPECIAL FREE BOOK PROMOTION*  Thursday – Monday EXPOSED will be on Kindle for FREE!!!

Redeemed Ch. 12 – Weak

Tags

emotional affair, healing, healing after abuse, help with marriage, infidelity, intimacy issues in marriage, issues with intimacy, marriage, marriage counseling

There are moments when I share my life and I cringe. I wait…will there be judgment? Yet I know the worst judgment comes from within. Thankfully I know that I am redeemed and I share rather intimate situations because God has impressed upon my heart the need for others who can relate to know they are not alone, and they, too, have the choice to repent and be redeemed.

Redeemed Ch. 12 blog release

Keep the emails and comments coming…I enjoy knowing your thoughts and personal testimony as well.

Blessings

Shannon

A few disclaimers:
**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, obtains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**

Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.
Read the early part of Shannon’s healing journey in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him. Available on Amazon Audible, and only $1.99 on Kindle.
*NO MORE NEW HARD COPIES WILL BE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON…WE HAVE SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR WHAT I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION.*
Buy your SIGNED COPY of Exposed at Jennika’s – A Bazaar Place at King’s Harbor!

“The Weakness of God is Stronger than Human Strength”

Tags

Believing God, child abuse survivors, Corinth, dispelling the lies of the enemy, encouragement, Faith, healing, healing for survivors, inspiration, knowing God's truth, Lent journey, overcoming abuse, survivors, survivors of abuse

** I know at times many of these posts get put out there but I felt as we are in the middle of Lent that this would be another great one to share to remind us of where the source of our strength comes from.**

_________________________

I’m still here.

Held up by God’s strength at times, but I rest knowing being close to Him is probably the best place I’ve been in a long, long time.

A fellow survivor wrote me after the last post and said, “You are being too hard on yourself.”

Possibly.

Since taking on this ministry I’ve gone from sharing my ‘experiences’ in God ‘showing up’ to feeling pulled to make sure what came from here was ‘inspirational’. The first was on my heart with no goal of even one person reading and the second, though also from my heart, morphed into writing for the proverbial ‘reader’ that would somehow share and bring more readers and more ‘likes’. Soon I was ‘advised’ to write on this topic, and that article and, though many I wanted to, there were times I didn’t.

 

Devastated by loss. Disheartened by betrayal. Disillusioned in the meaning of Christianity. Was it a good time for me to be ‘ON AIR’?

I sat down to pray in the seconds before the interview. “Lord, let it be Your Word and not my own. I’m mad, angry, hurt and defeated now but I still know YOU will overcome in the end.”

I believed every word.

This prayer is what has held me up out of the raging seas and into His warm embrace.

It is hard to write when you don’t feel ‘inspired’. Therefore, being ‘inspirational’ turns into a feeling of insecurity and fans the flames of not feeling ‘good enough’. Lies of the enemy.

Last night in prayer I cried out to God and asked Him to let me know if I needed to ‘hang my hat’ maybe this isn’t for me after all. Am I really ‘inspiring’ anyone? Boohoo, right? Wha wha… whoa-es me.

Could I feel sorry for myself any more??

At 6am I woke to check my emails and found an email from a survivor.  One line that made me put on my big girl panties this morning and realize God’s wisdom is greater than mine…even his weakness is greater than any strength I could muster.

“Your sharing of your story, your truth, was very powerful. I especially liked the part where you defended the (any) abused child by saying “it’s not right”  (to take away the voice of a child). That really hit home and I was moved by your honesty, courage, and willingness to stand up for and speak out on behalf of the abused child…This ministry that you are living and participating in is very, very powerful and important and needed.  I just want to thank you very much for doing what you are doing, for saying “yes” to this work, and for standing up for the abused child.”

I couldn’t (and certainly wouldn’t) make it up if I wanted. JUST SHOW UP…right??? HE SHOWS UP? We just need to LISTEN…and give ourselves a break. I AM A SURVIVOR. And when I get asked ‘how do you do it’? I need to remind myself and everyone else it is one moment, one day at a time. We CAN and will overcome but there might be moments we ‘fall’ into the ‘old habits’ of being a victim. The key is to allow God to catch you in his arms and NOT be so hard on yourself. Look…I’m still working on it.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1:20-24

As survivors the ONLY way we CAN continue to thrive and ENJOY life beyond our past is to be honest about where we are at in the moment, to seek help, good counsel, and rely on God’s strength. Practicing on a daily basis to recognize the lies of the enemy over the truth of His loving word and promise. This is how I ‘do’ it.

Blessings

Shannon

Redeemed Ch. 11 – The Scream

Tags

Abuse survivors, ADHD, aspergers, Autism, child abuse, dealing with hyperactive toddlers, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, parenting, strong willed child

It is interesting to go back nearly twenty years and in retelling my life story realize God’s hand in guiding me to the ministry I lead today. Who knew? I certainly had no idea when I was struggling with my toddler and had yet to scratch the surface of my own healing journey that He would implant in my heart the desire to help other survivors speak?

Redeemed Ch. 11 Blog Release

Thank you again for all of your responses and emails. I am grateful for your support and I’m honored REDEEMED is helping you to relate and heal as well.

Blessings

Shannon

A few disclaimers:
**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, obtains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**
Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.

Read the early part of Shannon’s healing journey in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him. Available on Amazon Audible, and only $1.99 on Kindle.

*NO MORE NEW HARD COPIES WILL BE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON…WE HAVE SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR WHAT I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION.*

 

Buy your SIGNED COPY of Exposed at Jennika’s – A Bazaar Place at King’s Harbor!

Hits Home

Tags

Abuse survivors, date rape, healing, healing after abuse, high school theater, rape, rape survivors, sexual assault survivors, westside story

Our family sat around the dinner table the other night. We do ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ taking turns from the youngest to the oldest. When it came to be Ryan’s turn, he’s my junior in high school, he mentioned his low for the day was having to rehearse a rape scene in the Westside Story play.

“Rape scene?” The thud of my heart was like a hammer to my chest.

“Yeah, well, it’s orchestrated to imply that me and this other guy from my gang are raping her. It was awkward. I felt like I needed to apologize to her.”

My throat constricted. “Did you?”

“Yeah, I mean we all felt weird about it. She knew it was just the scene but it made me realize what girls must feel like when that happens.”

My face felt flushed and hot. “I’m sorry you have to do this scene.”

“It’s okay mom. I thought you’d want to know about it before you see it too.”

After dinner Ryan came up to me and hugged me tightly.

I’ll admit I’ve never watched the movie Westside Story nor have I seen the theater production. I had no idea…how ironic my son happened to be cast in that role.

I mentioned later about contacting the theater director to maybe mention before the production to the audience that there were some scenes that might be offensive but Ryan said I would be overreacting that it was more implied. I’m still pondering…I still have a month before they go on stage.

Thoughts?

I also wanted to take the time to show you are shorter version of the Hopeful Hearts promo video.

Blessings

Shannon

The Walls

Tags

Christianity, Dave Moore, Faith, God's mercy, healing, jubilee year of mercy, Lent, Lenten journey, mercy, overcoming our insecurities

“The Lord’s mercy often rides to the door of our heart upon the black horse of affliction.”― Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I’ve often felt ‘chained’ and surrounded by walls of affliction and suffering. Over the years I’ve realized these ‘walls’ and chains are so much ‘put on me’ but a self-inflicted prison. It wasn’t until I realized that the only way I could be ‘free’ and to have those walls come crashing down was to first be open to receiving God’s mercy. That I was worth it. 

When I knew I was worth God’s mercy and grace I realized these chains and walls were only fortified by lies and judgment. There was no need to be locked up in past sin and suffering.

This Lent take a good look at the internal walls that surround you. Are you chained inside with guilt and shame that God has already mercifully forgiven?

Take a moment to say to yourself, “I am worth His love. I am worth receiving His mercy. I am worth living in His grace.” Soon those walls will come crashing down.

I’m proud of Dave and Lauren Moore. A young couple I met seven years ago on a Young Adult retreat I led…they were young and in love. Not yet able to see what God had in store for them. Amazing to see where God leads us, especially when we are willing to live in His light, follow His call, and receive His mercy and grace.

Blessings

Shannon