Momma’s Don’t Let Your Babies to Grow to be Rapists

Tags

Brock Turner, healing after rape, letter to judge from sexual assault victim, overcoming rape, rape survivor, sexual assault, sexual assault survivor, Stanford rape survivor, Stanford sexual assault, Stanford swimmer

Oh, I’m sorry, am I being a bit sinister? I can’t seem to get that old song tune out of my head “Momma don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys…” by T.R. Dallas.  I mean, hearing yet another absurd news story about the leniency of a young man’s sentencing for being caught in the act of violating an unconscious woman near the dumpster and his father begging the judge to not allow this 20 minute mistake to ruin his life, accomplishing the said extreme lenient sentence of six months in jail and probation?!?!

I stood in my bathroom yesterday morning and stared at my reflection in the mirror willing the unclean words that wanted to come out of my mouth to stay put and dissolve with a grace that well surpasses my human ability.

The first sentence of the survivor’s [and no doubt this woman is a survivor and not a victim] letter to her attacker she let’s it be known in a powerful way how the first second of waking up from that ‘twenty minutes’ is like a lifetime sentence to a sexual assault survivor:

“You don’t know me, but you’ve been inside me, and that’s why we’re here today.”

She goes on to explain the feeling of waking up in a hospital, not knowing she was in a hospital, wearing a gown and for the first time realizing she had nothing else on but the gown:

“Everything inside me was silenced. I still don’t have words for that feeling.”

The BUZZFEED article published this brave young survivor’s letter in full and it is not for me to retell what she so eloquently puts in her OWN VOICE… so please feel free to read her statement in the Buzzfeed article here.

However, what I do wish to address is how in the world did such an ‘accomplished’ Stanford bound young college athlete (apparently a swimmer with Olympic dreams) become so ignorant, heartless, self-serving and blatantly disrespectful?

According to the young survivor’s letter, in response to this young man’s very own statement to the court, he blames the entire incident on alcohol. Alcohol?? Well, he wasn’t too drunk because he remembered the incident, enough to change his story a few times.

But I can’t put into words any better than the survivor herself in response to this claim:

“Future reference, if you are confused about whether a girl can consent, see if she can speak an entire sentence. You couldn’t even do that. Just one coherent string of words. Where was the confusion? This is common sense, human decency.

According to him, the only reason we were on the ground was because I fell down. Note; if a girl falls down help her get back up. If she is too drunk to even walk and falls down, do not mount her, hump her, take off her underwear, and insert your hand inside her vagina. If a girl falls down help her up. If she is wearing a cardigan over her dress don’t take it off so that you can touch her breasts. Maybe she is cold, maybe that’s why she wore the cardigan.”

Just common sense, right? Whether or not you are drunk…it’s human decency. This young woman addresses the young man with a simple statement of what human decency might be, even in the worst of situations:

“I want to know, if those evil Swedes [his words] had not found me, how the night would have played out. I am asking you; Would you have pulled my underwear back on over my boots? Untangled the necklace wrapped around my neck? Closed my legs, covered me? Pick the pine needles from my hair? Asked if the abrasions on my neck and bottom hurt? Would you then go find a friend and say, Will you help me get her somewhere warm and soft? I don’t sleep when I think about the way it could have gone if the two guys had never come. What would have happened to me? That’s what you’ll never have a good answer for, that’s what you can’t explain even after a year.”

Most of you who have been reading this blog over the past eight years know that I have two sons. One is headed into his senior year of high school and the other a sophomore. I got to this point of writing the blog and had to take them both to see the doctor for this horrendous cough they’ve been battling for two months. We got into the car and my mind wouldn’t stop racing. So I turned off the radio and let them know what was on my mind.

I explained what had happened to this woman, her letter to her attacker, his responses and excuses, and my response to all of it.

Both boys were shocked. “Mom, you’re preaching to the choir,” one son said.  They were disgusted, didn’t want to hear anymore. And that made me realize even though Neal and I can do our best to drill into our boys respect and dignity of every human life, no matter the circumstance or situation, does it stick? Do we say enough? Do we do enough to convey this message?

I looked at both of my boys sitting on the exam table waiting to be examined and I saw before me two young men that are complete opposites in every way. In their physical attributes, their demeanor, their personality… yet they come from the same mother and father. I know that they have their own free will and will ultimately make their own decisions in life, that it’s their journey and all I can do is do my best to set them up for success but it’s up to them to take what we’ve given and run with it.

Who knows what kind of family this young man came from… maybe his momma did try to keep him from being a perpetrator. Maybe society leaked in other factors that led him to the deterioration of his common sense and decency. Maybe he was viewing too much hard core porn that is becoming more and more popular in our society, further abusing the ‘actresses’ by forcing them into rape situations and other demeaning role plays in order to feed the demand that no longer gets off on simple sensuality. Or maybe it isn’t so much the family as the entire society as a whole for allowing ‘rape’ to become a common place adjective rather than a horrid, unthinkable act.

Has society, in general, become so desensitized to the various acts of sexual assault that they (I say ‘they’ because I will not put myself into this general population) associate it with every day behaviors? In her own words the survivor eloquently states what this ’20 minute sexual assault’ does to both parties:

“Nobody wins. We have all been devastated, we have all been trying to find some meaning in all of this suffering. Your damage was concrete; stripped of titles, degrees, enrollment. My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.

On the other hand, as a society, we cannot forgive everyone’s first sexual assault or digital rape. It doesn’t make sense. The seriousness of rape has to be communicated clearly, we should not create a culture that suggests we learn that rape is wrong through trial and error. The consequences of sexual assault needs to be severe enough that people feel enough fear to exercise good judgment even if they are drunk, severe enough to be preventative.”

Click HERE to read the entire letter.

Once again, my hats off to this young woman. She is my hero. And along with her those two EXTRAORDINARY Swedish men who simply did what I’d like to think we are ALL programmed to do – HELP ONE ANOTHER.

Click here to read their story.

Hopeful Hearts Ministry is booming and I don’t like it. Why? Because I want it to be that we survivors have spoken SO LOUD that there is no more of this ‘culture of rape’ or ‘ignorance to abuse’ in our society. One day, it is my dream to see that Hopeful Hearts Ministry has to shut every door down because there is no more need.

Until then we are realizing this overwhelming need to clone ourselves… thrivers are desiring to pay forward what they’ve learned and to peer counsel other survivors to a place of thriving. Locations all over Texas, California, Washington State, Louisiana, and even across the seas in Sydney, Australia are asking ‘How can we implement a Hopeful Hearts Ministry in our area?’

I’m working on it…with God’s GRACE I’ll get there. But in the meantime, do as this young woman and SPEAK ABOUT IT.

Momma’s talk to your sons. Let them know what this story does to your heart. By doing so you might prevent a future sexual assault from taking place.

Blessings

Shannon

 

Leslie’s Journey – Taking Her Life Back

Tags

Abuse survivors, Faith, healing, healing after an abduction, healing after rape, healing from PTSD, overcoming abuse, PTSD sufferers, rape survivor

How often do we  get through life pushing our past into dark hidden corners, stuffing it into tight spots, shoving it into closets praying no one will ever find the secret fear, shame, and guilt the past harbors?

Survivors of abuse, any abuse, are pro’s at shoving, stuffing, and hiding… and then we are shocked when we realize the ugly remnants of our past have actually seeped out into our reactions and responses over the past 10, 20, 30 years. So we finally talk about it.

Our voice arises from the dark hidden places and much to our surprise we realize how freeing it is to be heard. We desire to conquer the past, to put it behind us once and for all, no longer harboring any undo fear, or guilt and shame that is simply not ours to store and carry.

When this process takes place, this is when the survivor moves to thriver. And it’s a beautiful sight.

This week I have the great honor and blessing of joining one survivor, Leslie, on a journey of taking her life back. She’s unearthed her past, spoken on the various abuses she’s been through and finally wants to face head on the one incident in her life that had held her captive for many years.

We are going to the mountains in Colorado where Leslie was abducted and held for five days. It was around 1984, 24-year-old Leslie applied for a job through an employment agency working for a new car dealership in Amarillo, TX. She was under the impression she was to help go to car auctions and drive them back to the dealership.

Having landed the job, Leslie, along with two other young women and a young man (under age, 17 who had lied about his age to get the job) headed out to Colorado with their employer, David Benz ( who at the time gave a fake name).

Traveling the ten hours to Colorado no one suspected that the man behind the wheel was a convicted kidnapper and rapist. He had escaped from the Pueblo Mental Institute out of Pueblo, CO.

For the next five days these young people were held captive in the mountains of Colorado. And this week, Leslie and I are going back to the area she’d tried to keep hidden in her past for so long.

Join this brave survivor, as she takes back her past and courageously reclaims her present and future.  Where we will be staying might not have the proper internet to be able to post … please stay tuned as I plan to help Leslie capture this time in the way she sees fit to share.

Blessings

Shannon

Blessings Outshine Sufferings

Tags

Abuse survivors, blessings over sufferings, Bullying, Faith, God's plan for our life, healing after abuse, healing after rape, hope, life after rape, overcoming rape, rape

Last week I had one of the best days ever. Survivor, Caitlin, received one blessing after another in my presence and it as amazing to see her filled with such awe and wonder to God showering her with such love.

If you don’t know, Caitlin is one of my “I Have a Voice” participants and one of my first Hopeful Hearts Ministry ‘survivors’. She was a rape victim at the age of 11 and was 16 when I was introduced to her. She has struggled through bullying, family issues, and it has seemed that every chance she got a ‘leg up’ she’d get knocked down. She is now in her 20’s and she never gave up.

She put herself through homeschool then went on to get a certification in dental hygiene, at the same time working at the local Wal-Mart Central Market. Two weeks ago we had a horrible storm blow through with 60 mph winds that knocked two trees into her home. She lost everything. Clothes, furniture, etc.

That same weekend we had our Taste of Sonoma party that was auctioned at our gala. I briefly told everyone in attendance Caitlin’s story because I wanted to help her in some way. She didn’t ask for the help and she didn’t expect it which made me want to give her more.

By the graciousness of the souls who attended the event I presented her last Wednesday with $960. She broke into tears. “I can’t explain how much of a help this is,” she wrote later in a text. “Thank you so much. It really really means the world to me.” I know she plans to write a thank you to everyone who donated as well.

On that same day, while with me at the office, she received a call she had been anticipating – she got approved for the lowest interest rate to buy a modular home! The light in her eyes made me beam with pride for her. Not to mention the promotion she received at work the day before to Customer Service Manager. (If you live in the Kingwood area be sure to go and say ‘hi’!!)

I went to take a peak at her new, fully furnished, home and it is adorable. She opened the door, turned and said, “It’s like I finally get a clean slate. A brand new start.”

Amen. This is why I love what I do. Caitlin went from a 16-year-old who barely clung to the will to live to a 20-year-old who knows she has an abundance of life waiting for her to enjoy.

Caitlin and her fiance Joe at the Hopeful Hearts Gala

Just one more example to remind you to never never give up.

Blessings

Shannon

Being Heard (Part 3 of an Incest Survivor’s Journey to Healing)

Tags

child abuse, Duggars, Faith, family secrets, healing after abuse, healing after rape, healing families, incest survivors, overcoming abuse, overcoming tragedy

Looking back I realized I never fully processed what happened that day at my grandfather’s memorial service. The next day I wrote a short paragraph about traveling another 11 hours home and how Heather was the perfect person to be with me on this trip. But I didn’t write what I felt about having my voice.

It’s been two years {now three as of May 2016} since this journey and I can look back on it with gratitude, respect for putting myself out there, and respect for my uncles as well for doing the best they could to open up and show me that they always had loved and supported me.

That day during the memorial service I was a 4 year old with ants in her pants. The officiate went on and on about the service my grandfather provided to the town and his church. When it was implied that my grandfather did his daily readings and was diligent in his bible study heat rose to my cheeks. If he was a faithful Christian then why did he blame what he did on us? Why wouldn’t he acknowledge his sinful ways and show us mercy instead of spite? The accolades went on for what felt like forever. I couldn’t take it anymore – I stuck my tongue out in disgust and rolled my eyes. An elderly woman sitting adjacent to me saw it all and gave me a puzzled look. I’m sure she was thinking what is this grown woman doing acting like a petulant child?

My uncles stood up one by one to give their personal eulogies for their father. The child in me wanted to plug her ears, rock back and forth and hum so I didn’t have to hear another word…but the adult won over and I listened to stories of an attentive father who taught them valuable lessons in life. I heard of a father greatly missed…and I recognized how difficult it must have been for them to rectify that man with the monster their sister and nieces were claiming hid within him. My hardened heart began to thaw for my uncles.

The service was over and everyone exited the building to do the gun salute for the service my grandfather gave to the Air Force. I stayed inside and held onto my nephew, Riley. He was the perfect comfort needed…I could hold him close and not feel vulnerable. I put Riley on my hip and walked up to the front of the room where my grandfather’s ashes rest among pictures of him and the family (including my mother).

“You hurt me deeply. Because of what you did to me to satisfy your own evil and sick desires I lived a life feeling like I didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how I felt or what I felt I had to please others because that was what I felt I was made to do. If it hurt me or didn’t feel right to me it didn’t matter. What you did to me tainted my understanding of what love is and should be and it kept me from receiving unconditional love because I never knew how to love without conditions. Your selfish ways affected me in so many areas of my life but I am not going to allow you to take any more of my life.”

I stared at the face of the man who took advantage of my innocence and at the same time I saw the smile I adored, the salt & pepper crazy flat top, and an arrow of nostalgic memories hit me of the man God created…not the monster the enemy formed. Riley nuzzled his head into my shoulder and I hugged him closer.

“Goodbye grandpa.”

That evening I went to dinner with my uncles and tentatively a few of them talked about the gap in time we all missed since my mother came forward. They had all dispersed, never getting together again for family reunions. It hadn’t dawned on me that none of my aunts were there at the funeral, nor were my cousins. The picture I’d painted of this unified front of ‘them’ against ‘us’ was formed only out of hurt and pain. It wasn’t real. My heart went out to this family that had been torn apart by one’s selfishness and weakness against the enemy.

A few weeks later my mother met up with her uncles for a reunion, the first they’d all been together in 20 years.

I know that sometimes people don’t ‘talk’ because they don’t want to tear the family apart or ruin the family name…but if we don’t talk of the evil that is happening behind closed doors then it will continue to remain from generation to generation. To set the family ‘free’ every voice needs to be heard. Beyond all else the victims deserve to know they are worth championing.

I pray this ‘journey’ down my own healing path has given some inside look of the delicate web weaved in a family plagued by incest.

Blessings

Shannon

  Read more from Shannon’s first memoir (the early years) EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him

The Stats EVERYONE Should Know!

Tags

Child Abuse Prevention Month, child abuse statistics, Faith, healing after abuse, healing after rape, sex talks, sexual assault awareness month, sexual assault statistics, talking to children about the hard stuff

April is Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness month.

Did you know:

Studies by David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, show that:

• 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;
• Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;
• During a one-year period in the U.S., 16% of youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
• Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
• Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13.

Young women and men and parents of young women and men pay attention!

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center:

Campus Sexual assault

•  One in 5 women and one in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college
•  More than 90% of sexual assault victims on college campuses do not report the assault
•  63.3% of men at one university who self-reported acts qualifying as rape or attempted rape admitted to committing repeat rapes

Finally FOR MEN and WOMEN:

NSVRC shows:

• One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives

These statistics seem unbelievable and quite shocking. Unfortunately, from the increasing traffic into Hopeful Hearts Ministry … there is no doubt. What is worse is these statistics only come from what is reported.

How do we keep ourselves and our children safe? By not being afraid to speak about the hard stuff. Having the much needed ‘sex talk’ is difficult and it is imperative to reiterate the gift we each have in our self-respect and dignity. Inform young people of what healthy boundaries are, i.e.: their body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and they have a right to say “I don’t feel comfortable with this,” or simply, “No.”

It is shocking even how many adults find it hard to feel ‘worthy’ of these healthy boundaries. I know, in my instance, because the sexual abuse happened at such a young age my boundaries are askew. I went through life feeling as if my desire to refuse didn’t matter, my power to resist with healthy boundaries was weakened through the child abuse and later through the sexual assault as a teenager.

And for the real young, in regards to all areas of abuse, allowing them to recognize that they every part of them is a special gift and should be treated as such helps to enforce those healthy boundaries of self-respect and dignity. Plus, young eyes watch and learn.

Often if we have not addressed our own issues our little ones will soon mimic our weak boundaries.

If abuse has happened to you and you’ve never spoken about it please consider talking to a trusted counselor, family member, friend, pastor, or even contact us at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com.

Listen to Shannon’s interview on AMR Today’s Issues.

Blessings

Shannon

Real Life – (Healing One Heart at a Time)

Tags

Abuse survivors, CORNERSTONE TV, date rape, domestic abuse, Domestic Violence Awareness, healing, healing after abuse, healing after rape, I have a voice, Real Life, Real Life TV

This week we are in the process of filming three new I Have a Voice Videos! By the grace of God and the gracious donation by Ricl & Dorothy Alspaugh with Alspaughs Ace Hardware and Sterling Events we will be releasing three new videos in October for Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I’m grateful for Jose’s courage and strength. She blessed us with her courageous story twice! One in English and again in Spanish, addressing the issues of domestic abuse within the hispanic culture.

I didn’t want too much time to go by without sharing with you all interviews I did with Real Life TV (there are two shows!) … one behind the scenes Holy Spirit moment…when you watch the ‘Girls Series’ they put in a video of a situation that went directly with my personal story. This was not intentional…their videos are on a schedule and they did not pick this video for my story yet it flowed perfectly. God is so good!

I would love to hear from you and if you aren’t yet on twitter, join and add me! @ShannonDeitz or @HopefulHeartsMinistry …I have signed onto the world of Periscope (immediate videos).

Grateful for the way the Holy Spirit is moving!

Blessings

Shannon
Get your copy of Shannon Deitz’s personal story, EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

 

 

JennikasIf you live in the Kingwood area get your SIGNED copy of EXPOSED and the Hopeful Hearts Charms at Jennika’s on Kings Harbor

 

 

Lead Me (Healing One Another)

Tags

child abuse, date rape, Faith, Finding God in Our Trials, healing, healing after rape, Jared Fogle, Lead Me Guide Me, overcoming abuse, rape, St. Paul prep school

I stood in the car dealership and listened to the news, Jared Fogle was agreeing to a plea deal for having been involved in child pornography and having sex with minors. CNN Report

My heart sank. I put my hand up to my eyes to rub out the threat of tears. I thought about those minors and what they’d experienced. He is to pay them $100,000 each. Really? Like that will make the years of confusion, anxiety, insecurity, shouldering HIS guilt and HIS shame, and uncertainty of who they are in worth just *POOF* go away????

Really?

When I made it home I turned on another news channel and listened to the young woman in the St. Paul’s Prep School rape case defend herself in court. NY Times Report

The disguised voice came across confident of her truth with a trade of uncertainty. Will anyone believe me? I know this because I have been that girl. When asked why she would respond to his emails and from all appearances make it seem like she was playing the same game she claimed it was because she didn’t want him to ‘come after her again’ and she didn’t want to become a target for ridicule at the school she still had 3 years to attend.

I get it. I never spoke of what happened with the first young man who raped me because we were friends who hung out in the same circle. Would any one believe me?

And with the second rapist in college I went back to him because he was such a force at the school. Everybody seemed to love him, to praise him, students and school staff alike. How could I ever be credible against him?

I get it. The sting of tears that threatened to erupt in the dealership now flowed freely in the comfort of my home. They weren’t tears for me…I’ve overcome the anxieties of this part of my past. These were tears for these young girls. 

I know what they are struggling with right now and I want to take that pain away from them. I know the path they’ll need to follow to find freedom from this part of their life and I know they’ll be stronger for it but I want to hold their hand along the way, maybe even give them a ride. If only I could.

An hour later my phone rang one ring and stopped. The fact my ringer was on was a miracle because I never have my ringer on. (Just ask Neal, it’s a pet peeve of his that I never get his calls because my phone is on vibrate!) I picked it up and called the number back thinking to myself “Why am I doing this? I’m sure it was a wrong number or misdial.”

A woman with a heavy proper English accent answered and stumbled with her words. At first I was uncertain if she meant to call me and finally she began to make sense. She needed information on my ministry.

Two hours later I hung up with the flesh on my arms still bristled with Holy Spirit goosebumps.

She was a woman in her sixties who had suffered through an unimaginable horror in Africa when she was younger. Once she was able to truly get her words together she began to lament about the 300 young women who had been stolen from their families in Nigeria.

She explained in detail the various horrors they were undoubtedly suffering (if they were not already gone) because she had lived through them herself. She wept for these young women and simply needed to speak it out loud.

In the end she let me know she had been holding on to my number for nearly three years. She had tried various times to call but would hang up before it rang just as she did today. When I called back she said she tried to lie and say it was a wrong number but God wouldn’t let her which is why her words were so jumbled.

She wants to see me. To share with me more of her story. She’s been to countless therapists in her life and yet she knows what she needs is to speak to someone who understands her pain.

I would have listened to her all day but she needed to get back to her life. She left me singing a hymn and asked me to look up the lyrics. I thought I’d leave you with it today:

 

Unknown – Lead Me Guide MeLead Me Guide Me Verse 1:

I AM WEAK AND I NEED THY STRENGTH AND POWER TO HELP ME O-VER MY WEAKEST HOUR LEAD ME THROUGH THE DARKNESS THY FACE TO SEE LEAD ME OH LORD LEAD ME

CHORUS LEAD ME, GUIDE ME, ALONG THE WAY FOR IF YOU LEAD ME I CANNOT NOT STRAY LORD LET ME WALK, EACH DAY WITH THEE LEAD ME OH LORD LEAD ME

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

VERSE 2: Help me tread in the paths of righteousness. Be my aid when Satan and sin oppress. I am putting all my trust in Thee: Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me. I am lost if you take your hand from me, I am blind without Thy light to see. Lord just always to me thy servant be, Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me. Thank you for visiting AllGospelLyrics.com!

 

We are a support to one another…Christian to Christian…survivor to survivor… when you speak your truth you are healing another who knows your pain. 

Blessings

Shannon

Get your copy of Shannon’s Memoir EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle!

 

 

 

Or purchase a SIGNED COPY at Jennika’s at King’s Harbor in Kingwood where you can find the sterling silver Hopeful Hearts Charms.

There IS a Better Day to Come (Healing with Time)

Tags

Bullying, date rape, Faith, God's love, healing, healing after rape, overcoming rape, rape, REFINER'S FIRE

Yesterday I met with Caitlin, a young woman whom I was introduced to a few years ago. Her story is quite extraordinary. She is a rape survivor. She was 13 when she was set up by her friend, locked in her friend’s bedroom and raped by two young men.

The rapes left her with an extended hospital stay and a great amount of fear. The oldest of the two boys was convicted and sent to prison, the younger of the two did some time in juvie. Instead of Caitlin getting support from her peers she got ridiculed, blamed and bullied. Eventually she quite school and was home-schooled.

Caitlin’s story in her own words:

Caitlin and I first met just over two years ago. She was finishing high school, working a full-time job and done with living the life of a victim. Quiet, even at times painfully shy, Caitlin did what most adults find it difficult to do, and that is tell her story, demand more for herself in life, and set out to make it happen. She just needed a little encouragement, support and a gentle nudge in the right direction if she faltered back into the ‘comfort of her fears’.

Today Caitlin is merely months away from completing her Dental Hygienist certification. She has been dating a young man who respects, cherishes and supports her. Life is still not easy for Caitlin…there are residual effects from the rapes and even the bullying years ago, but she perseveres and continues to wait for the next blessing.

We met in the new Hopeful Hearts Headquarters and I noticed her staring at the affirmation wall. “If you could pick one word off the wall that stands out the most for you today which word grabs you?”

She didn’t hesitate. “Empowered. I’ve been staring at it this entire time. After all these years I finally feel like I can see the good in today and what is in store for me. I feel strong and, well, empowered. It’s crazy to think of how I felt when we first met. I was ready to take my life and now there is so much I want to do.”

Listening to her, watching the spark in her eye dance and the smile on her face widen, caused my heart to overflow with joy. Yes, it’s been a long, tough road and there were moments when it seemed she’d lost all hope to continue but she never gave up. She trusted in God’s plan for her and leaned on the support he’d given her in the ones she loved.

She is an encouragement to me. In fact, rarely is there someone I’ve seen that hasn’t become some form of a reminder in what a little tenacity and perseverance can prevail.

If I were to look at the affirmation wall today I’d say my word is:

REFINED

My Lord is ‘refining’ me, molding, tweaking and forming me into His image. It has definitely been a ‘refining year’ and now that I feel closer to the final stages I am grateful for every single struggle along the way.

 

What is YOUR word today?

Remember it is one day at a time, one blessing, one moment, one breath.

Blessings

Shannon

Read more of Shannon’s story overcoming date rape for only $1.99 on Kindle.

Exposed_cover_only

Frozen – All Survivors of Date Rape & Sexual Assault please read! (Healing in knowledge)

Tags

abuse, Abuse survivors, child abuse, date rape, Dr. Rebecca Campbell, healing after rape, incest survivors, overcoming trauma, rape, rape survivors, sexual assault survivors, Tonic Immobility, Trauma and sexual assualt, understanding the freeze response, understanding trauma, why don't they fight

** To ALL survivors please read!!! This changed my life and I can’t help sharing because for years I never could understand why I didn’t ‘fight back’ or ‘run’… and I know those of you who have never (thankfully) suffered any form of abuse or sexual assault you have never understood why we didn’t either. Well, here is your answer! I re-read this and see “40 degree weather” and I’m imagine by the time this is published I will be sweating pounds off in our 100 degree Texas heat! Maybe if I just re-read this again I can feel the cool air… **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I met Stephanie for a scheduled 7 mile run in the 40 degree weather (which is unusual for Houston, TX right now!) and felt the claws of negativity and indifference grip me.  But I did it anyway.

I arrived home at 6:20am and went straight to my little prayer corner:

It has been awhile since I’ve written in my journal.  For me this is unusual as it is my way of communicating to God and also relinquishing worries and concerns.  Lately it’s been something I’ve avoided.  I couldn’t tell you why though I have many theories.  Today I grabbed the journal and read the quote on the page:

“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.”  John 15:7

Offering the verse as a prayer I wrote, “Lord I need you.  It is not easy for me to journal lately but I know you are near.  You have been so good to me and you are amazing.  I need to figure out how to overcome what I’m going through and face the demons of my past so I can go forward and do the work you’ve called me to.  Help me Lord.  Amen”

At 7:00am I got out of the shower and for no reason that I can think of I checked my emails on my phone and saw the last one received was asking of a task I was supposed to have done but failed to do.  Suddenly I was kicked into full gear.  Though the day was proving to match the mood when I woke up I didn’t stress.  Ten minutes later Ryan came to my bathroom door and said, “Mom, I need a Roman Soldier costume for stations tomorrow morning.”  What?!  Again, I let the few choice words I had on my tongue dissolve and kept moving forward.  Get ready, was all I could think.

By 8am I was successfully completing the task I failed to do a few days before, and at 10am when in my bible study and I mentioned the Roman costume dilemma one of the ladies looked at me and said, “Oh, I have one!”  Thank you God!

At 11am I delivered the teaching on Genesis 41 & 42 and then rushed out after to attend the “Not Making Sense is Traumatic” Neurobiology of Trauma mini-seminar hosted by the Houston Police Department.  My friend who leads the Mission at Serenity Ranch (a safe house for survivors of human trafficking) told me about the training and I signed up immediately.

This was the highlight of my day.  To ALL SURVIVORS please, please, please do yourself a favor and read the following article by Dr. Rebecca Campbell a research Psychologist at Michigan State University.  This information transformed and validated me in what I went through as a survivor of sexual assault and incest.

Dr. Rebecca Campbell  on Tonic Immobility (the FREEZE reaction)

I would try and go through the abundance of golden information that she gave today but there is no way I could explain it the way she did so, again, please go to the link above and read her article.  If you are a survivor of sexual assault you will want to read the article. 

Typically, when a person is faced with a traumatic experience the common thought that is misconstrued is that you’ll either ‘FIGHT’ or ‘FLIGHT’ (run).   If you talk to a survivor of such a traumatic experience a high percentage of them (I personally want to say – from the survivors I’ve worked with – 99%) will say ‘But I FROZE’.  And those who have not gone through a similar traumatic experience will then question “Why didn’t you fight back?”  Or “Why didn’t you run?”.  And the survivor will inevitably feel guilty and ashamed and say, “I don’t know.”

BUT NOW I KNOW!  Thank you to Dr. Rebecca Campbell.  Again read this article:  Tonic Immobility (Freeze Response)

I left the mini-seminar with a certificate and a feeling of euphoria (also explained by Dr. Campbell) because I finally have found understanding in why I reacted the way I did with both rapes and most likely as a very young child with my grandfather.

An example of this ‘T. I. or Tonic Immobility’ response is best shown by this YouTube video where they demonstrate this response with sharks:   Sharks and T.I.

Also, if you’d like to hear what prompted Dr. Campbell to begin her research watch this YouTube video:

Dr. Rebecca Campbell Interview explaining what prompted her begin research on why victims react the way they do after the trauma.

This information was a gift.  It doesn’t take away what I’m going through because what I’m going through is needed for my journey, however, it gives answers to questions I never thought I’d get answered.  I asked God for help and he helped!

I commend the Houston Police Department Sexual Assault Crimes Division for bringing Dr. Rebecca Campbell into Houston and training their first responders to better understand the victims response.  This is ground breaking and can serve to be the key in getting more cases prosecuted!

There is always hope.  Always.

Blessings

Shannon

 Read more about Shannon’s journey to heal after date rape (twice)… there is always HOPE.

Exposed: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him $1.99 on Kindle!

 

Human Nature isn’t Always the Answer (A Conversation with my Mother)

Tags

child abuse, child abuse survivors, Child Sexual Assault Survivors, CSA, Duggar family, Duggars, family secrets, healing after abuse, healing after rape, incest survivors, overcoming hardship

** It is June 15, 2015 and God’s given me a surprise gift. I was asked last minute to chaperone the high school Shine Work Camp that Seth will be attending. When I looked at my calendar to see if it was possible and what I’d need to rearrange I found that I was open. Which is not usually the case and tells me this IS God’s doing. I’d been praying how I needed a spiritual renewal, a swift kick in the tush to remember WHO is in charge! And, well, serving His people in this way (which, by the way, I am not the best at being in the hot Texas sun painting, doing yard work, etc) seems to be exactly what I need to get out of my comfort zone and looking straight at Him. Plus, I’ll take any time I can to spend with my son!   This week I will revisit a few more posts I’d written in the past years and try to sum up the following week how God ‘showed up’ while I was gone.

Today we will begin with the gift I had in finally having the courage to ask my mom the question that plagued my healing process – why? **

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It is a morning ritual in Colorado to sit out on the deck, marvel at the simplicity of nature as dozens (yes, not an exaggeration) dozens of hummingbirds zip to and fro inches from my face battling for a spot at the feeder.

They twitter to converse and bleak to demand for a spot often pushing one off it’s perch to gain territory. It is the beat of their wings that creates the ‘hum’ that is given to their name.

I’m watching as I write this and I realize there is an alpha (going on a prejudice hunch I’ll say ‘male’…though it very well could be a dominant female ;)) that is literally guarding the feeder and as other hummingbirds try to gain access to a perch he dive bombs them, swooping in and knocking them off scaring them away.

Jerk.

I try to swat at him but those suckers are fast!

It is amazing to witness nature unfold and carry on regardless if I was here to exert my own dominance on that creature. He’ll be back. It’s in this one particular hummingbird’s nature and regardless if I’m here or not he’ll continue to be territorial over the sugar water we provide. Here is a video of the hummingbirds:

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Makes me think of the phrase ‘human nature’. How often do we do things that we brush aside as ‘human nature’. It’s human nature to react or respond a certain way. If it’s human nature then it is okay that we reacted or responded a certain way.

Have you noticed that more and more it’s ‘human nature’ to ignore the uncomfortable? To ignore the evil in this world because it seems to be against our nature to confront. It is against human nature to accept such evil can exist so we try to reason it away.

While on vacation at my family’s cabin I was finally gifted with a conversation I’ve been wanting to have with my mother ever since memories of my grandfather molesting me came to the forefront. I’ve asked her permission to share this with you and being she is a survivor too, one that wants to help others, she consented.

First one bit of my mother’s truth, one that I briefly discuss in EXPOSED but don’t delve into because it is her story, her truth, one for her to tell in its entirety when she’s ready (or gives me permission to write one day. ). My mother is the oldest of 5, the only girl with 4 brothers to take care of and keep her strong.

Her earliest memory of her father molesting her was in the crib. Simply put he did not leave her alone from when she was 2 years old to the age of 10. Stopping because her cycle started early (a gift from God as she’s always claimed it to be.)

He was a man whom everyone adored. Funny, good looking, personable. His son’s longed to be like him. No one knowing the evil that resonated within him. To survive my mom buried it all deep, so deep she didn’t remember until she was in her 20’s. Even then she felt it could have only happened to her. Why would he do it to any one else? Why would he do it period? It’s against human nature.

We grew up knowing my grandfather, the good and evil. We only saw him once or twice a year but any opportunity for a perpetrator is one taken.

When I told my mother how the memories came back in a rush her response was not what I’d desired. I needed her to be as devastated for me as I was for myself. Instead I heard, “I figured that might be the case.” Granted she did say she was sorry for ever putting me and my sisters in a position to be near him, hence hurt by him. But I needed more.

We went for a walk and I told her how it made me feel, the matter of fact acceptance of the abuse. “I needed to feel your devastation to know I mattered.”

She turned to me with tears snaking their way down her cheeks. “I’m not only devastated I’m mortified. It kills me inside to know I put you and your sisters in that position. I don’t know why I thought we had the visits under control. You just don’t want to believe that evil exists even when it’s happened to you.”

We spoke of forgiveness, forgiveness of ourselves, my forgiveness of her. I forgive her. I love her. I don’t even blame her or my father. As crazy as it sounds it is human nature to want to see the good and deny the evil in the world.

I’m grateful God gave us the moment, and me the courage, to talk about our mutual survival of the evil by done by this sick individual. I wasn’t going to allow the anger and hurt I felt inside toward my parents or him eat me alive.

When we hold the anger in and choose not to confront or ‘expose’ it by talking we are only poisoning ourselves.

Mom and I get the opportunity to travel together in October, supposedly to the Holy Land if it is safe. As we walked back to the cabin we vowed to have many more conversations. To get to know one another and help one another thrive.

Sometimes we are called to go against human nature in order to create peace and balance in our world. I encourage you, if you have a grievance with someone don’t hide from the confrontation. Pray about it and then talk about it. It just might be healing for both.

Blessings
Shannon

 Read more about Shannon’s story in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him only for $1.99 on Kindle and be encouraged in your own journey!