Sometimes I Cry

Tags

abuse in family, Abuse survivors, Chris Stapleton, dealing with abuse, healing after abuse, helping survivors of abuse

Sometimes I Cry … When I can’t do nothing else.

It’s the truth, and though it sounds depressing…it’s rather freeing.

I’ve been trying to figure out HOW to blog over this past week when all I have on my mind are things that I can’t say because of confidentiality or because certain things are hitting a tender place in my heart that I don’t know how to be as objective as I know ‘you’ the reader deserve.

So many new people have come into the headquarters along with their own version of injustice, hardship, suffering and despair. Stories that even make me cringe inside and I’ve gone through, and or heard, most every unimaginable abuse known (or so I once thought).

The evil in this world doesn’t surprise me anymore…unfortunately. But what keeps me going is the absolute resilience of people. I have looked into the creation of God who have suffered the most unimaginable evils not once, not twice, but multiple times and in multiple ways and yet they still make it to my couch with that sliver of HOPE.

Praise God!

It is a lot to hear but with God’s GRACE it’s the resilience and HIS HOPE I see in their eyes that keeps me determined to help Him pull them close because I know without a doubt that one day those unimaginable evils can and will soon be a chapter in the past.It wasn’t until this weekend when I learned that this ‘mess’ has hit a little too close for comfort in my ‘broad inner circle’ and it thrust me into a vortex I’ve not quite experienced, (well without actually being the victim)…. straight in the middle of victim and accused. I feel disbelief, shock, uncertainty of truth, vindication for the victim, sorrow and at the same time anger toward the accused, and an overwhelming responsibility to the victim to help, especially because of this ‘connection’ and just by saying that, it makes a choice which then splits the act of  ‘betrayal’ down the middle as well. I feel betrayed and I know by saying where I feel I am best to help, then I betray.

I know for many I’m not making sense which is why I haven’t been blogging. I just need to end with two things…the statistics for actual ‘false reports’ of abuse are only 2% out of victims who claim some form of abuse or assault are actually lying. Only 2%.

Last, I am a big Chris Stapleton fan and this weekend when I had to be alone and put this to prayer I found that the only thing that comforted me was to cry. And then I heard this song by Chris Stapleton, “Sometimes I Cry” When I heard the main lyric, “Sometimes I cry when I can’t do nothing else.” it held my truth. Sometimes I can’t really do anything but I can cry for the victim and I can pray:

I’m not depressed. I’ll be fine. I’m just giving you my truth. How do I do this? many have asked me over the years. Well, now you know.

Blessings

Shannon

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Shake It Off

Tags

child abuse survivors, going from victim to survivor, healing after abuse, HEALING AFTER TRAUMA, making the most of your life, rape survivors, Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift has it right … shake it off!  I had the best opportunity to shake it off this past weekend when I went with girlfriends to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. It came at the perfect time if you read my last post. Sometimes there is so much awful in this world that it threatens to suffocate my spirit and when it hits close to home, well, it just about sent me over the edge.

provided by quotes gram.com

I am a survivor who listens to other survivors and in doing that I am often reminded of the hellacious journey I’ve been on in these past few years. When I went away I was able to put that aside for even the briefest of moments and connect with a part of me that I’m not sure I even realized was fathomable.

Every survivor wants to feel ‘normal’, not the broken one, and for a time I was able to and I enjoyed every second.

I needed this in so many ways for so many reasons and it has rejuvenated me, and most importantly invigorated me to continue to be that positive influence for other survivors to recognize that they can thrive and enjoy life.

 

Now it’s time to get back to life….back to reality. Does that take you back? I’ll see if I can’t find that song on YouTube and put it in at the bottom just for nostalgia sake.

Now I am in my reality and my heart aches for the survivors I’m working with most recently. Their main struggle is self worth and overcoming all of the ‘crazy’ triggers, insecurities, and emotions that erupt out of the blue. Every survivor I’ve spoken to this week has said, “I know I sound crazy.” or  “I’m sorry, I know I’m wasting your time.” or “This is hard.”

Yeah, it is hard. No doubt. Life in general without having suffered past trauma is hard. But working through the process, exposing all of the junk that has been left inside, and replacing it with positive affirmations is a must and it is hard because it literally feels like a full spiritual (and at times physical)rehaul. When you’ve gone 25, 35, 40 years feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘a screw up’ or ‘the cause of ___’ it is an internal makeover to replace the lies with the truth.

The key is making it your choice. Do you want to live a life of misery as a victim? Or do you want to recognize your ‘wildest dreams’ and live life in its richest form knowing happiness from within and embracing every moment of every second?

I know many times it doesn’t feel like a choice but it is. And a choice only YOU can make for YOU.

With God’s unfathomable love, accepting me for me, my mistakes and all, I choose to live and to thrive today. And I will choose this again tomorrow.

What about you?
Blessings

Shannon

Self-Sabotage

Tags

Abuse survivors, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, healing journey with PTSD, insecurities in abuse survivors, overcoming insecurity, overcoming ptsd, rape surviviors, self-sabotage

The inner workings of an abuse survivor’s mind is quite complicated. I’m not sure those that haven’t suffered some form of neglect, degradation, trauma, tragedy, sexual assault, violation, etc would not be able to understand. Lately, I’ve been trying to explain these things to a gentleman who has a desire to help the ministry, but has not quite suffered any form of abuse. After three meetings I decided I needed to be up front and reminded him that I was a survivor of abuse, that I still struggled with self-sabotaging thoughts.

When he gave me a list of questions about the ministry, in regards to more of the business side (which consequently is not my strength) my mind would immediately release on an inner attack – “I shouldn’t be doing this. He probably thinks I’m a joke. I’m not sure I have what it takes to do this, I’ll never be enough. It just won’t work. I suck.”

When I explained this to him he was genuinely shocked. “I wasn’t thinking any of those things about you at all. I am impressed with what you’ve done and I’m just trying to look at it from my point of view to understand better what you offer. I always wondered why you said, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing, I should just let it go.’ It didn’t seem like something you’d say, but now I get it.”

My cheeks flamed. I had no idea I’d said that out loud. Embarrassing.

I don’t feel that way. I really don’t. I’m quite confident in what God continues to call me to and I put it into His direction of what I should doing and what steps to take. However, after speaking to him I realized one of my trigger points is that insecurity of not doing something well or right. All of his questions, as harmless and even helpful as they were, triggered that insecurity and without even realizing it I went to the inner dialogue that had been comfortable for so long.

The positive in this happening, and my courage to let him know the truth to this self-sabotage behavior, is that it helped him to better understand the dynamic of why Hopeful Hearts Ministry is helpful to those who had been abused. That it is very difficult to ‘just get over it’ when talking about many forms of abuse. That our goal is that we can acknowledge it an aspect of our life story but it doesn’t have to take our life.

I know there are many other ways we self-sabotage. For instance, I can also see that I beat myself up when I’m not able to have as much self-discipline as I’d like when it comes to eating certain foods. Or it can get us in the lack of or even over exercising, or our duties as a mother/father, wife/husband.

We must be kinder to ourselves. I’m preaching to ME today. I need to make an extra effort to recognize when these self-sabotaging comments invade my thoughts and STOP, REDIRECT, and PRAISE myself for how far I’ve come.

How about you? Pay attention to the thoughts that swirl about during these next few days… how is it you are self-sabotaging and what triggers it? And join me in taking the next step to breaking the unhealthy habit.

Blessings

Shannon

Leslie’s Journey Day 3 (Facing the Past and Taking it Back)

Tags

abduction survivor speaks, abuse, Abuse survivors, healing after abuse, healing after ptsd, overcoming ptsd, overcoming terror, PTSD, ptsd survivor, story of an abduction survivor, survivor of terror

When God wants it to happen He makes the seas divide… sometimes the ‘God-incidences’ of our trip were simply amazing.

On Friday, Leslie and I planned to go for a drive through the Collegiate Mountains to see if we could just get an idea of where she was held for five days. Before we left, my dad sat down with her and a map of the area. At the same time a man working for my parents to fix up some things in the cabins overheard them talking and offered his assistance. He lived in the area for his entire life and new every back road, hiking trail, etc very well.

From what she described and could remember he pointed to an area of the Collegiate mountains that was only a 10 minute drive away from my parents place in Twin Lakes.

“From what I knew about the Collegiate Mountains, this is the only trail that does what you are telling me. It has to be right here that he took you.” He highlighted the area for us and later that morning we set off to see if it jogged any memory for Leslie.

I wish we had a dashboard camera… from her Day 1 & 2 video she talked about how she remember it being very barren of trees as they drove for awhile up the Collegiate Mountains and then he pulled off into a section of road that went into the trees.

Well, we found it. The spot. The very spot.

This is on the trail Leslie and the others were forced to hike up the mountain, with hands tied.

I’ll let her explain, in her own words, what she recalls.

 

Leslie reminisced about how she remembered actively putting this ‘into a box’ (quite literally, she hid the newspaper articles in a box) for decades because of one person, whom she loved, saying to her, ‘Weren’t you embarrassed?’ when she spoke of the ordeal.

This is a view looking up the trail that the abductor took the car and then bottomed it out… making them get out and hike up the rest of the way (Leslie with heeled boots and none of them were dressed for the cold weather)

Sometimes people can’t fathom such tragic and horrifying truths and they say things that can hinder someone’s growth. Most often not intentional, but still harmful. Leslie and I both agreed that we realize to those that have not had anything traumatic occur in their life it is difficult to accept as reality and when they have someone like us, that brings it close to home for them, it messes with their inner sense of safety so they will often say inappropriate things almost as a personal comfort.

Tomorrow I will share Leslie’s final reaction to meeting her past head one, what she chose to do to commemorate the moment, and how she feels today.

Blessings

Shannon

Leslie’s Journey – Taking Her Life Back

Tags

abduction case, abduction survivor, abuse survivor, healing after abuse, HEALING AFTER TRAUMA, overcoming abduction, PTSD, sexual assault, survivor of abduction goes back, survivor of abuse

How often do we  get through life pushing our past into dark hidden corners, stuffing it into tight spots, shoving it into closets praying no one will ever find the secret fear, shame, and guilt the past harbors?

Survivors of abuse, any abuse, are pro’s at shoving, stuffing, and hiding… and then we are shocked when we realize the ugly remnants of our past have actually seeped out into our reactions and responses over the past 10, 20, 30 years. So we finally talk about it.

Our voice arises from the dark hidden places and much to our surprise we realize how freeing it is to be heard. We desire to conquer the past, to put it behind us once and for all, no longer harboring any undo fear, or guilt and shame that is simply not ours to store and carry.

When this process takes place, this is when the survivor moves to thriver. And it’s a beautiful sight.

This week I have the great honor and blessing of joining one survivor, Leslie, on a journey of taking her life back. She’s unearthed her past, spoken on the various abuses she’s been through and finally wants to face head on the one incident in her life that had held her captive for many years.

We are going to the mountains in Colorado where Leslie was abducted and held for five days. It was around 1984, 24-year-old Leslie applied for a job through an employment agency working for a new car dealership in Amarillo, TX. She was under the impression she was to help go to car auctions and drive them back to the dealership.

Having landed the job, Leslie, along with two other young women and a young man (under age, 17 who had lied about his age to get the job) headed out to Colorado with their employer, David Benz ( who at the time gave a fake name).

Traveling the ten hours to Colorado no one suspected that the man behind the wheel was a convicted kidnapper and rapist. He had escaped from the Pueblo Mental Institute out of Pueblo, CO.

For the next five days these young people were held captive in the mountains of Colorado. And this week, Leslie and I are going back to the area she’d tried to keep hidden in her past for so long.

Join this brave survivor, as she takes back her past and courageously reclaims her present and future.  Where we will be staying might not have the proper internet to be able to post … please stay tuned as I plan to help Leslie capture this time in the way she sees fit to share.

Blessings

Shannon

Blessings Outshine Sufferings

Tags

Abuse survivors, blessings over sufferings, Bullying, Faith, God's plan for our life, healing after abuse, healing after rape, hope, life after rape, overcoming rape, rape

Last week I had one of the best days ever. Survivor, Caitlin, received one blessing after another in my presence and it as amazing to see her filled with such awe and wonder to God showering her with such love.

If you don’t know, Caitlin is one of my “I Have a Voice” participants and one of my first Hopeful Hearts Ministry ‘survivors’. She was a rape victim at the age of 11 and was 16 when I was introduced to her. She has struggled through bullying, family issues, and it has seemed that every chance she got a ‘leg up’ she’d get knocked down. She is now in her 20’s and she never gave up.

She put herself through homeschool then went on to get a certification in dental hygiene, at the same time working at the local Wal-Mart Central Market. Two weeks ago we had a horrible storm blow through with 60 mph winds that knocked two trees into her home. She lost everything. Clothes, furniture, etc.

That same weekend we had our Taste of Sonoma party that was auctioned at our gala. I briefly told everyone in attendance Caitlin’s story because I wanted to help her in some way. She didn’t ask for the help and she didn’t expect it which made me want to give her more.

By the graciousness of the souls who attended the event I presented her last Wednesday with $960. She broke into tears. “I can’t explain how much of a help this is,” she wrote later in a text. “Thank you so much. It really really means the world to me.” I know she plans to write a thank you to everyone who donated as well.

On that same day, while with me at the office, she received a call she had been anticipating – she got approved for the lowest interest rate to buy a modular home! The light in her eyes made me beam with pride for her. Not to mention the promotion she received at work the day before to Customer Service Manager. (If you live in the Kingwood area be sure to go and say ‘hi’!!)

I went to take a peak at her new, fully furnished, home and it is adorable. She opened the door, turned and said, “It’s like I finally get a clean slate. A brand new start.”

Amen. This is why I love what I do. Caitlin went from a 16-year-old who barely clung to the will to live to a 20-year-old who knows she has an abundance of life waiting for her to enjoy.

Caitlin and her fiance Joe at the Hopeful Hearts Gala

Just one more example to remind you to never never give up.

Blessings

Shannon

Being Heard (Part 3 of an Incest Survivor’s Journey to Healing)

Tags

child abuse, Duggars, Faith, family secrets, healing after abuse, healing after rape, healing families, incest survivors, overcoming abuse, overcoming tragedy

Looking back I realized I never fully processed what happened that day at my grandfather’s memorial service. The next day I wrote a short paragraph about traveling another 11 hours home and how Heather was the perfect person to be with me on this trip. But I didn’t write what I felt about having my voice.

It’s been two years {now three as of May 2016} since this journey and I can look back on it with gratitude, respect for putting myself out there, and respect for my uncles as well for doing the best they could to open up and show me that they always had loved and supported me.

That day during the memorial service I was a 4 year old with ants in her pants. The officiate went on and on about the service my grandfather provided to the town and his church. When it was implied that my grandfather did his daily readings and was diligent in his bible study heat rose to my cheeks. If he was a faithful Christian then why did he blame what he did on us? Why wouldn’t he acknowledge his sinful ways and show us mercy instead of spite? The accolades went on for what felt like forever. I couldn’t take it anymore – I stuck my tongue out in disgust and rolled my eyes. An elderly woman sitting adjacent to me saw it all and gave me a puzzled look. I’m sure she was thinking what is this grown woman doing acting like a petulant child?

My uncles stood up one by one to give their personal eulogies for their father. The child in me wanted to plug her ears, rock back and forth and hum so I didn’t have to hear another word…but the adult won over and I listened to stories of an attentive father who taught them valuable lessons in life. I heard of a father greatly missed…and I recognized how difficult it must have been for them to rectify that man with the monster their sister and nieces were claiming hid within him. My hardened heart began to thaw for my uncles.

The service was over and everyone exited the building to do the gun salute for the service my grandfather gave to the Air Force. I stayed inside and held onto my nephew, Riley. He was the perfect comfort needed…I could hold him close and not feel vulnerable. I put Riley on my hip and walked up to the front of the room where my grandfather’s ashes rest among pictures of him and the family (including my mother).

“You hurt me deeply. Because of what you did to me to satisfy your own evil and sick desires I lived a life feeling like I didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how I felt or what I felt I had to please others because that was what I felt I was made to do. If it hurt me or didn’t feel right to me it didn’t matter. What you did to me tainted my understanding of what love is and should be and it kept me from receiving unconditional love because I never knew how to love without conditions. Your selfish ways affected me in so many areas of my life but I am not going to allow you to take any more of my life.”

I stared at the face of the man who took advantage of my innocence and at the same time I saw the smile I adored, the salt & pepper crazy flat top, and an arrow of nostalgic memories hit me of the man God created…not the monster the enemy formed. Riley nuzzled his head into my shoulder and I hugged him closer.

“Goodbye grandpa.”

That evening I went to dinner with my uncles and tentatively a few of them talked about the gap in time we all missed since my mother came forward. They had all dispersed, never getting together again for family reunions. It hadn’t dawned on me that none of my aunts were there at the funeral, nor were my cousins. The picture I’d painted of this unified front of ‘them’ against ‘us’ was formed only out of hurt and pain. It wasn’t real. My heart went out to this family that had been torn apart by one’s selfishness and weakness against the enemy.

A few weeks later my mother met up with her uncles for a reunion, the first they’d all been together in 20 years.

I know that sometimes people don’t ‘talk’ because they don’t want to tear the family apart or ruin the family name…but if we don’t talk of the evil that is happening behind closed doors then it will continue to remain from generation to generation. To set the family ‘free’ every voice needs to be heard. Beyond all else the victims deserve to know they are worth championing.

I pray this ‘journey’ down my own healing path has given some inside look of the delicate web weaved in a family plagued by incest.

Blessings

Shannon

  Read more from Shannon’s first memoir (the early years) EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him

Redeemed – Ch. 20 “Until Death Do Us Part” & Epilogue

Tags

abuse, child abuse, Faith, family, healing after abuse, healing after sexual assault, living with someone who once suffered abuse, marriage, marriage problems, multiple sclerosis, overcoming child abuse, overcoming ms, sexual assault

Our journey has come to an end. I want to thank each and every one of you that has stuck with me since January with Ch. 1 every Monday night! I know now (last least for me) why I felt God called me to share this story in this way before publishing it … I needed to focus on every gift, blessing, and lesson that each chapter of this time in my life provided.

When I wrote it over two years ago I was set on getting it out as I remembered. The chapters proved to be cathartic in the unfolding of what God has done in my life to date but it wasn’t until I suffered through 2015 and took a break from looking at it that I was able to see chapter by chapter a greater clarity of God’s hand not just holding me through the suffering but often gripping me by the hair and pulling me out of my own sin and shame.

In all that I am going through now I do so with a great confidence in my God. No that ‘things’ happen for a reason’, no I don’t like that statement…but that God brings GOOD from every thing. Even the ugliest choices we make.

If I can get my act together I hope to have a paperback and ebook version of REDEEMED by mid-summer to end of the summer.

Once again, thank you or the emails and comments in sharing your stories with me! Please continue to follow along the blog!

Redeemed Ch. 20 Blog Release

Redeemed Epilogue Blog Release

Click HERE to catch read all the chapters of Redeemed. They will only be available for a short time!

Blessings

Shannon

A few disclaimers:
**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, retains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**

Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.
Read the early part of Shannon’s healing journey in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him. Available on Amazon, Audible, and only $1.99 on Kindle.
Buy your SIGNED COPY of Exposed at Jennika’s – A Bazaar Place at King’s Harbor

The Stats EVERYONE Should Know!

Tags

Child Abuse Prevention Month, child abuse statistics, Faith, healing after abuse, healing after rape, sex talks, sexual assault awareness month, sexual assault statistics, talking to children about the hard stuff

April is Child Abuse Prevention and Sexual Assault Awareness month.

Did you know:

Studies by David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, show that:

• 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;
• Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;
• During a one-year period in the U.S., 16% of youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
• Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
• Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13.

Young women and men and parents of young women and men pay attention!

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center:

Campus Sexual assault

•  One in 5 women and one in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college
•  More than 90% of sexual assault victims on college campuses do not report the assault
•  63.3% of men at one university who self-reported acts qualifying as rape or attempted rape admitted to committing repeat rapes

Finally FOR MEN and WOMEN:

NSVRC shows:

• One in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives

These statistics seem unbelievable and quite shocking. Unfortunately, from the increasing traffic into Hopeful Hearts Ministry … there is no doubt. What is worse is these statistics only come from what is reported.

How do we keep ourselves and our children safe? By not being afraid to speak about the hard stuff. Having the much needed ‘sex talk’ is difficult and it is imperative to reiterate the gift we each have in our self-respect and dignity. Inform young people of what healthy boundaries are, i.e.: their body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and they have a right to say “I don’t feel comfortable with this,” or simply, “No.”

It is shocking even how many adults find it hard to feel ‘worthy’ of these healthy boundaries. I know, in my instance, because the sexual abuse happened at such a young age my boundaries are askew. I went through life feeling as if my desire to refuse didn’t matter, my power to resist with healthy boundaries was weakened through the child abuse and later through the sexual assault as a teenager.

And for the real young, in regards to all areas of abuse, allowing them to recognize that they every part of them is a special gift and should be treated as such helps to enforce those healthy boundaries of self-respect and dignity. Plus, young eyes watch and learn.

Often if we have not addressed our own issues our little ones will soon mimic our weak boundaries.

If abuse has happened to you and you’ve never spoken about it please consider talking to a trusted counselor, family member, friend, pastor, or even contact us at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com.

Listen to Shannon’s interview on AMR Today’s Issues.

Blessings

Shannon

Redeemed Ch. 18 Michael & Ch. 19 Worthy

Tags

Abuse survivors, Faith, healing after abuse, healing after miscarriage, marriage, marriage counseling, miscarriage, working on a marriage

We are coming to an end. Next week will be the final chapter and Epilogue of REDEEMED. I’m grateful you’ve taken your time to come along on this phase of my healing journey. As you’ll see in the Epilogue next week that I knew I could go into a third book almost immediately with what I’d discovered about myself in writing Redeemed, however, the chapters of that book are still unfolding before me.

My intent in sharing my life in this way is to hopefully help others know they are not alone. I suffered in silence for so many years and to have a network of others who might not have the exact same story but have suffered through abuse and loss as I have, it makes the healing journey less burdensome and more hopeful.

Now, in Ch. 18 I discuss something very sensitive to many and special to me – the child I miscarried. I know this affects the majority of the women I know and a few years back I ddi a ‘video blog’ to help. I am including it here just in case some of you might need extra words of comfort and encouragement.

I am enjoying your emails and responses! Again feel free to comment anonymously or email me.

Redeemed Ch. 18 Blog Release

Redeemed Ch. 19 Blog Release

Click HERE to catch up and read the rest of Redeemed.

Blessings

Shannon

Neal and me and the boys when we first moved Kingwood

A few disclaimers:
**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, obtains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**
Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.
Read the early part of Shannon’s healing journey in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him. Available on Amazon, Audible, and only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

Buy your SIGNED COPY of Exposed at Jennika’s – A Bazaar Place at King’s Harbor!

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