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Just Show Up

~ An Abuse Survivor's Daily Rendering of God Showing Up In Her Life, How She Might Show Up or How She Misses the Mark

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Tag Archives: forgiveness

(Revisited) – The Final Nail in the Coffin (Part I of an Incest Survivor’s Journey)

02 Monday May 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

Abuse survivors, As We Forgive Those, Charles F. Fink, forgiveness, healing from abuse, how to forgive, how to heal, incest survivors, overcoming abuse, overcoming sexual assault, Sexual Assualt Awareness Month

Because we have finished REDEEMED and I left off with the discovery of the memories with my grandfather, I felt some you might be interested in reading about the journey I took to his memorial service and have my ‘voice’.

~~~~~~~~

“Your grandfather died at 10:10pm.”  the text read.  It was 3:45am and I’d just woken up to go to my Friday 4:00am adoration hour.  I felt nothing.   I reread the text in the bathroom and still felt nothing.  Mechanically I dressed and headed to adoration.

When I arrived I saw two vehicles in the parking lot, the truck that belonged to the man who has the hour before me and the other car belonged to the older gentleman that comes in every morning to say a rosary.  Interesting fact, he was in the navy, as was my grandfather, and every time I see him I’ve wondered if they could have maybe been on the same ship.  They are the same age.  When I saw his car I thought to myself, “God I really don’t want to find out this man was buddies with my grandfather.”

In the chapel I knelt to pray and I had no words.  Instead I asked God to seep through me in any way possible.  I remembered, then, that the other couple that has the hour with me was not going to be there and the older gentleman who was praying the rosary usually comes at 4:30am but he was already done and within a few minutes walking out the door.  I had the chapel alone for the entire hour.

I allowed my thoughts to go wherever they needed and then finally pulled out the book I’d been sent by an author, Charles F. Fink,  who’d contacted me last week.  It’s called “As We Forgive Those“.

Two paragraphs in I knew God’s hand was all over this day.  Pen in hand I was marking, underlining, starring sections and nodding my head in agreement and understanding.  This book was about forgiveness but in a light that I needed to embrace.  For example,  Fink says:

 

Click to Order on Amazon

Click to Order on Amazon

 

“Understanding is used too often as a convenient means to avoid and sidestep the process of acknowledging the hurts and wounds (which makes forgiving more effective).  We cannot truly forgive until we admit that the offense is as wounding as it really is, and therefore really does need to be forgiven.  When understanding becomes the substitute not only for forgiving but for sharing about feelings, healing does not occur.”

BAM! Right there in black and white this man was calling me out and I was listening.  There is so much more that this book has to offer but I was only able to get up to Chapter Two so far…I’m certain you will be hearing more of my ‘revelations’ as I continue to read.

However, this resonated through the day as I spoke with my mother who expressed her lack of desire to attend her father’s funeral.  The first of his ‘victims’ (or that we know of as his ‘first’) she received her closure long ago.  My older sister, yet another victim, displayed mixed emotions remembering the funny, charismatic side of my grandfather that was the ‘good’ side of his character and yet can’t erase the ugly.  “I cried,” she said.  “But I don’t need to go.  I received closure when I went to grandmother’s funeral and confronted him.  He admitted what he did to me but didn’t apologize.”   My younger sister is indifferent all together when he chose to write us all off when my mother ‘came out’ and released the skeletons from the closet.

anger of pastMe?  Well I sat for most of the day trying to rationalize why I had this deep seeded need to go to this man’s funeral.  Not necessarily for him but for me.  Neal didn’t understand, worried for me and for my true intentions.  He didn’t get it.  He supports me if I go but is simply worried.  Surprisingly it’s my younger sister’s significant other, Heather, that ‘gets it’.  She offered to go with me because she doesn’t think I should be alone.

My friends expressed their love and concern telling me to pray and God would reveal what I should do.  And that is what I did.  Would you know that I received a phone call from Dr. ‘C’ who is over the Right to Life for our Archdiocese to talk about the Maria Goretti Network.  In this phone conversation, once we dealt with the ‘business’ aspect, we were talking about the people we work with, the raw emotions, the need for healing, etc.  “May I ask you a personal question?” I said.

“Yes, of course,” she replied.

And so I told her about what has been going on with me over these last few months and how my grandfather passed away last night.

“Oh,” she said, “I bet you feel the need to go and put the final nail in the coffin so to speak?”

This rush of peace swept over me.  “Yes! exactly.  I don’t know why but I feel like I need to go.”

“Of course,” she said.  “You haven’t seen or heard from him in years and especially since all your memories came back.  You need to go and see that he is dead.  Pray and say what you need to say and leave.  That’s it.”

There it was, my answer and my validation.  So I took Heather up on her offer.  One catch with Heather…she doesn’t fly.  😀  So we will be driving to New Mexico and we are going to take my little 6 mo. old nephew, Riley, per my request. 😉  What a better way to end this ‘Sexual Assault Awareness and Childhood Abuse Awareness Month’ don’t you think?  You won’t want to miss those blogs!

It is a crazy situation but the purpose is for healing and forgiveness.

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyFINAL DAY to get your copy of Shannon’s memoir for FREE.

Redeemed Ch. 14 Waves of Mercy & Ch. 15 Messenger

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Faith, family, forgiveness, God in marriage, healing after abuse, marriage, recovering from emotional affair, spiritual warfare, trust

This year my ‘word’ has been confident. Confident in what God has called me to. Confident in my abilities. And confident in my testimony. I wrote EXPOSED lacking in this confidence. I knew I needed to get my story ‘out’ but I was uncertain of what others would think or if they’d believe. I had to do it anyway.

Redeemed CoverEight years of EXPOSED being out (and still selling) and I’ve received more and more correspondence from people all over the world who have experienced similar happenings. Whether it was the abuse, or the spiritual occurrences, they relate.

Releasing REDEEMED chapter by chapter has helped me in gaining this ‘confidence’ because more and more people are writing in sharing their relatable stories and expressing the desire to shed the shame and walk in the path He’s created for them once and for all.

AMEN!!!

Thank YOU for being a blessing to me and sharing your life with me. It is encouraging.

** Take note there are TWO chapters!**

Redeemed Ch. 14 Blog Release

Redeemed Ch. 15 Blog Release

Blessings

Shannon

A few disclaimers:
**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, obtains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**
Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.
Exposed_cover_onlyRead the early part of Shannon’s healing journey in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him. Available on Amazon, Audible, and only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

JennikasBuy your SIGNED COPY of Exposed at Jennika’s – A Bazaar Place at King’s Harbor!

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New Life [Life After Domestic Violence]

30 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Abuse survivors, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Domestic Violence Awareness, emotional abuse, Faith, forgiveness, healing, Laura White, spirituality, verbal abuse

A few weeks ago when Laura White and I drove to Dallas to film another I Have a Voice video I was immeasurably blessed by the amount of hope and fortitude this woman sitting next to me exuded.  So many times we can take the struggles in our lives, focus on the annoyance and irritation of the circumstance and soon the struggle turns into a life-destroying tragedy.

Laura having a voice

Here is a woman who has miraculously lived through an unimaginable tragedy which has left her to face numerous daily struggles that could easily suck the second chance of life right out of her.  Instead, she focuses on the beauty in the simple things and though her struggles are both an annoyance and irritation she realizes the fact she can feel these emotions is a gift.

I asked Laura to update us on how she is three years after the incident:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life for Me today after Domestic Violence

My life today for the most part is very rewarding and full of surprises.  I find that my eyes are wide open to all that is going on around me daily.  I watch people to see if I see troubled looks on their faces.  I will glance at the sunset or sunrise and look above to thank God that I am still here to see that beauty displayed.  I watch to see how men are treating women where ever I am, at the grocery store, in restaurants, at the gas station, etc.  I smile when I see an elderly couple holding hands or quietly sitting somewhere talking to each other as they are still best friends.  I listen with joy when my 6 year old grandson tells me about his day at school or the next greatest thing he has seen advertised on a commercial.  I sit back quietly to watch and listen to my 2 children when they are together and feel my heart swell with love and pride for the adults they have become.

Real manI still have so many unanswered questions about what I went through.  I wonder how I could have ever have let myself be treated in such cruel ways.  I look back and realize I do not know who that person was.  There are many days that as I am performing simple tasks such as doing laundry, taking out the trash or trimming the bushes in my front yard that my abuser will enter my thoughts.  I will re-enter those memories by thinking about how I lived in such fear if I didn’t perform such simple tasks correctly.  And then I will remember that how I was supposed to perform a task would change without warning and therefore invoke a barrage of verbal abuse usually followed by condemnation, extreme hatred and anger.  A good example of this was when I was first with my abuser I did some laundry and somehow managed to turn some of his socks pink.  Then another time I did laundry I accidentally threw a tee-shirt of his into the dryer therefore resulting in it shrinking.  My abuser verbally attacked me for weeks on end by saying I was out to get him and that I did it on purpose.  My punishment from there on out was I was not allowed to go anywhere near the washer or the dryer.  I was not even allowed to do my own laundry for 4 years.  If I so much as went out to the garage without stating my purpose beforehand, he would jump up and follow me to make sure I wasn’t touching the washer or dryer.  The good news about my life today is I can do my own laundry or other simple daily tasks without fear.  I enjoy the freedom to do my laundry and if I do turn my socks pink, I laugh because I love pink socks!!!

Anger will re-surface from time to time around the consequences I am faced with because my abuser tried to kill me which resulted in him shooting me.  I so long for my body to feel normal again, but as time passes, the body I have now is beginning to feel normal to me for the most part.  I can walk despite the weakness I have in my left leg due to the permanent nerve damage.  I can handle the stairs in a movie theater now.  I can’t run, hop or jump which leaves me wondering what I will ever do if faced with a situation where I have to flee due to impending danger.  The trauma my body suffered has left me with only 30% function in my kidneys which translates into Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 3.  The next level down would put me in danger of having to do dialysis or even worse, a kidney transplant.  When I first heard this from my doctor, the anger that came to the surface took me by surprise.  I have been able to forgive my abuser for his actions, but I am still very angry deep down about the results of his actions.  I do not sleep at night for more than 2-3 hours at a time.  This is not because I have bad dreams or nightmares about what I went through, it is because due to the loss of 80% of my digestive system, I am dehydrated at all times.  My body has to receive water constantly to keep me out of the hospital.  I naturally wake up every couple of hours to drink water.  I have adjusted to the schedule and will relish the few times I actually sleep for 4-6 hours, but then I have to really work hard to catch up on my water intake.

I will end this with how I started this.  My life to today is full of rewards and surprises.  I have such a feeling of peace and serenity to know that I am not in that abusive relationship today.  I have the courage and determination to never let myself be controlled by another person again.  I can stand up for myself and say no today if it doesn’t feel right and I strive to stand up for others who have experienced abuse firsthand.  I love my body as it is today even with its weaknesses and medical issues.  I can look in the mirror today and when I see my 15 inch scar and notice that I no longer have a belly button I smile and say this is my normal.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are struggling, offer it up to the Lord and take a look at your day, recognizing the many blessings you’ve been given.

“They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.”  Isaiah 40:41

Blessings

Shannon

** If you or someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation and needs help please go to the Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)**

No Excuses (Healing in Owning Up to Our Mistakes)

15 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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excuses, forgiveness, healing, healing after abuse, letting excuses keep us from healing, not making excuses, owning up to our mistakes

I’m making a public apology to my dad. I’m sorry dad, I forgot your birthday.

:(

for all have sinnedThere is no way around it, that is inexcusable. And I love my father dearly. I could have easily listed a litany of ‘excuses’ as to what made my mind so preoccupied that I couldn’t possibly stop for a second and think, “Hey it’s my dad’s birthday. I need to let him know how special he is to me and that I love him.”

This is the same man who demoted himself in his workplace to move his family away from a town that threatened both my sister’s well-being and my life. He was on top at the company and ended up taking a major pay cut to keep his family safe and out of harms way.

I can’t give an excuse to the man who held me on his knee when I was a hormonal pre-teen crying in desperation “I’m so ugly!” as he wrapped his arms around me desperate for me to see my true beauty through his eyes.

I was his buddy. He deserves more than an excuse.

Don’t we all? Really? When we’ve realized we have made a bad choice, a stupid mistake, a misguided or misjudged response, don’t those around us deserve the sincere apology and acknowledgement of wrong over the excuse?

We are not perfect people.  We will fall. We will mess up, forget, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, and in defense we will make excuses to avoid the pain of acknowledging we’ve messed up.

forgive one anotherThe excuses not only hurt the ones we give them to but they hurt in our healing process. If we continue to make excuses for our wrongs (especially in our reactions and responses) then we prevent spiritual growth.

I hear my 14 year old son getting caught in this web of excuses and I tell him over and over, “Own up to the wrong (or at times unintended mistake) and try better next time not to repeat the same offense.”  If I were to allow my son to go through life making excuses (or worse, making excuses for him) how would he learn? What would keep him from striving to do better, to redirect his course so as not to feel that same guilt and shame and allowing the enemy to use it to fester an insecurity in his abilities?

My reaction this morning when I realized I forgot my dad’s birthday was to immediately self-degrade. How could I be so stupid? I’m awful. I’m the worst daughter ever. But when I got him on the phone and he immediately forgave me and asked about the boys, my husband, me, the ministry… I wouldn’t allow an excuse of any sort to degrade the love I have for him. He deserved my sincere apology and I deserved not to hide behind any excuses.

When you mess up, own up. 😉

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyGet your copy of Shannon Deitz’s personal story, EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

 

 

JennikasIf you live in the Kingwood area get your SIGNED copy of EXPOSED and the Hopeful Hearts Charms at Jennika’s on Kings Harbor

 

 

 

Event-save-the-date

The Final Nail in the Coffin (Part I of an Incest Survivor’s Journey)

10 Wednesday Jun 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

Abuse survivors, As We Forgive Those, Charles F. Fink, forgiveness, healing from abuse, how to forgive, how to heal, incest survivors, overcoming abuse, overcoming sexual assault, Sexual Assualt Awareness Month

*As promised, the next few days I will revisit the journey I took to find some sort of healing in the wake of acknowledging what I’d been through with my grandfather and the abuse.*

~~~~~~~~

“Your grandfather died at 10:10pm.”  the text read.  It was 3:45am and I’d just woken up to go to my Friday 4:00am adoration hour.  I felt nothing.   I reread the text in the bathroom and still felt nothing.  Mechanically I dressed and headed to adoration.

When I arrived I saw two vehicles in the parking lot, the truck that belonged to the man who has the hour before me and the other car belonged to the older gentleman that comes in every morning to say a rosary.  Interesting fact, he was in the navy, as was my grandfather, and every time I see him I’ve wondered if they could have maybe been on the same ship.  They are the same age.  When I saw his car I thought to myself, “God I really don’t want to find out this man was buddies with my grandfather.”

In the chapel I knelt to pray and I had no words.  Instead I asked God to seep through me in any way possible.  I remembered, then, that the other couple that has the hour with me was not going to be there and the older gentleman who was praying the rosary usually comes at 4:30am but he was already done and within a few minutes walking out the door.  I had the chapel alone for the entire hour.

I allowed my thoughts to go wherever they needed and then finally pulled out the book I’d been sent by an author, Charles F. Fink,  who’d contacted me last week.  It’s called “As We Forgive Those“.

Two paragraphs in I knew God’s hand was all over this day.  Pen in hand I was marking, underlining, starring sections and nodding my head in agreement and understanding.  This book was about forgiveness but in a light that I needed to embrace.  For example,  Fink says:

 

Click to Order on Amazon

 

“Understanding is used too often as a convenient means to avoid and sidestep the process of acknowledging the hurts and wounds (which makes forgiving more effective).  We cannot truly forgive until we admit that the offense is as wounding as it really is, and therefore really does need to be forgiven.  When understanding becomes the substitute not only for forgiving but for sharing about feelings, healing does not occur.”

BAM! Right there in black and white this man was calling me out and I was listening.  There is so much more that this book has to offer but I was only able to get up to Chapter Two so far…I’m certain you will be hearing more of my ‘revelations’ as I continue to read.

However, this resonated through the day as I spoke with my mother who expressed her lack of desire to attend her father’s funeral.  The first of his ‘victims’ (or that we know of as his ‘first’) she received her closure long ago.  My older sister, yet another victim, displayed mixed emotions remembering the funny, charismatic side of my grandfather that was the ‘good’ side of his character and yet can’t erase the ugly.  “I cried,” she said.  “But I don’t need to go.  I received closure when I went to grandmother’s funeral and confronted him.  He admitted what he did to me but didn’t apologize.”   My younger sister is indifferent all together when he chose to write us all off when my mother ‘came out’ and released the skeletons from the closet.

anger of pastMe?  Well I sat for most of the day trying to rationalize why I had this deep seeded need to go to this man’s funeral.  Not necessarily for him but for me.  Neal didn’t understand, worried for me and for my true intentions.  He didn’t get it.  He supports me if I go but is simply worried.  Surprisingly it’s my younger sister’s significant other, Heather, that ‘gets it’.  She offered to go with me because she doesn’t think I should be alone.

My friends expressed their love and concern telling me to pray and God would reveal what I should do.  And that is what I did.  Would you know that I received a phone call from Dr. ‘C’ who is over the Right to Life for our Archdiocese to talk about the Maria Goretti Network.  In this phone conversation, once we dealt with the ‘business’ aspect, we were talking about the people we work with, the raw emotions, the need for healing, etc.  “May I ask you a personal question?” I said.

“Yes, of course,” she replied.

And so I told her about what has been going on with me over these last few months and how my grandfather passed away last night.

“Oh,” she said, “I bet you feel the need to go and put the final nail in the coffin so to speak?”

This rush of peace swept over me.  “Yes! exactly.  I don’t know why but I feel like I need to go.”

“Of course,” she said.  “You haven’t seen or heard from him in years and especially since all your memories came back.  You need to go and see that he is dead.  Pray and say what you need to say and leave.  That’s it.”

There it was, my answer and my validation.  So I took Heather up on her offer.  One catch with Heather…she doesn’t fly.  😀  So we will be driving to New Mexico and we are going to take my little 6 mo. old nephew, Riley, per my request. 😉  What a better way to end this ‘Sexual Assault Awareness and Childhood Abuse Awareness Month’ don’t you think?  You won’t want to miss those blogs!

It is a crazy situation but the purpose is for healing and forgiveness.

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyGet your copy of Shannon’s memoir today for only $1.99 on Kindle.

Forgiveness from an Incest Survivor’s Perspective (Healing’s Toughest Step)

09 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

abuse, child abuse, date rape, Duggar family, Faith, faith in tragedy, forgiveness, healing after abuse, healing after tragedy, how to forgive, how to forgive the one who abused you, incest, Josh Duggar, sibling incest, why do bad things happen

“Everyone [family] just wants me to forgive and forget, like it never happened. Let’s not make a fuss.”

“Why is it he gets to move on with his life and I’m the one told to ‘forgive’ and let it go. By all means don’t let me taint the family name.”

“He was my brother, I loved him and he didn’t physically harm me. I tried to let it go. I didn’t want him to get into trouble. I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until all of this with the Duggar’s. I’ve forgiven him, I still love him but it is hard to forget the shame of it all.”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve heard from sibling incest survivors in the past few weeks. After watching the Fox News Kelly File interview with the Duggar’s and their daughters, I realize the only way I can respond is by what I do best, discussing how I can relate because of what I’ve personally overcome.

Here are my facts. I was molested by grandfather (my mother’s father) when I was around 3 – 8 from what I recall. We did not see him often, at best once a year, at worst twice. And if he was in our home then it was safe (or I don’t have ‘bad’ memories in my home only in his or in a common vacation spot we’d meet for family reunions.)

My grandfather was funny and good-looking. I can recall his smile and I can manage to look past the disturbing memories that have surfaced to still see his face, mouth spread wide from ear to ear in a hearty laugh and his salt & peppered buzzed haircut. I would float the palms of my hands over the flattest part of his hair because it was always so soft. And he smelled like coffee.

I detest the smell of coffee and at 41 years old have never had a cup.

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 years old that he had a heart attack or something major happened and we were told he might not make it. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief.

He made it.

Be stillWhen I was 18 years old, the summer after my freshman year in college, I told my parents about what had happened to me. The rape in high school and the rape in college. My mother came with me when it was time to move back into the dorm and spent the night with me. In the darkness she whispered, “I was raped as a little girl, for a long time.”

Without a thought to hold me back I knew. “Was it Grandpa?”

I could hear her sit up in bed. “How did you know?”

For some reason, even though she just told me she was his victim too, I clammed up. “I don’t know. Just a feeling.”

My mother went into counseling. Confronted her father (who claimed she ‘asked for it’) and told the entire family. My oldest sister came forward with the same secret.

I kept my mouth shut. It was too difficult to accept. Even when it happens to you sometimes you just can’t accept it. The two persons don’t belong in the one body. Besides, I was suffering through the trauma of two date rapes. My young psyche couldn’t handle the overload.

My mother cut off all contact with him and my grandmother.

My sister still allowed him to come visit her. Why? I can’t say because that’s her story to tell.

My brother championed him. I felt like my uncles and their wives did too. Stood behind him but left the rest of us out as the ‘trouble makers’. Or so I felt…later I came to realize they were in their own denial and pain.

At this point he was ‘just an old man’… forgive him. Let it go.

I tried to talk to my aunt about it , what my mother was going through, and I was quickly quieted. It was too difficult to listen to. To accept. Let it go.

Family meant so much to me and I lost contact with all of them, thankfully they kept up with my mom. I never questioned why my mother never said anything earlier. Maybe this is what she’d feared.

Finally I met up with another aunt and uncle who lived not too far away. My boys were small and I wanted them to meet their great aunt and uncle. But Grandpa was in town visiting. Would I go? Should I go?

I went. My husband met him… how did we do it and not get into a fight? I let it go because it is too hard to think about when it’s not ‘in the dark’. But I couldn’t stay long. The more I looked at him the more mad I became.

My grandmother died. My mom and I chose not to go to the funeral. My sister and brother went. My sister confronted my grandfather about what he’d done to her. He admitted to it. Never said he was sorry. In my opinion that night he shut the case on her ever knowing her true worth.

do not judgeAt the age of 39 I’d overcome a great deal and felt I had mastered the art of forgiveness. I was able to put my rapist’s well-being into the hands of God, let God change them or administer punishment whichever course they chose to take but I was not going to be chained to the fear and shame they inflicted on me for the rest of my life. Yet I was still troubled. Something wasn’t right and I couldn’t put my finger on the brick of sadness that was lodged in my chest.

And then it hit me. The memories rushed all at once like a tidal wave that quite literally knocked me to the floor. I could see that smile, smell the coffee on his breath and I remembered.

I wept for that little girl. I rejoiced because my life, all of it, made sense.

I finally understood why I reacted or responded to certain things in harmful or troubling ways throughout my life. It all made sense and the brick was gone. I was free.

He was 95. I wanted to see him. Not for an apology. He didn’t give it to my mother nor to my sister why would I get one?

I told my mom. Dejected and quite beaten down she responded. “I figured as much. I’m sorry I ever allowed him around all of you.”

I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t ask the obvious. ‘WHY?’ Why did you? If you knew what he was capable of, why would you?

Two months later my grandfather died. I had to go to the service. He wouldn’t ‘see’ me and I wasn’t sure where he’d be to ‘hear’ me but I had to go. I blogged about this trip. I will re-release this in the next two days. My tribute to every incest survivor out…let freedom ring. 😉

He met God face to face and unless my grandfather changed his ways towards repentance then who best to truly pass down a just judgement?

The greatest gift I’ve given myself is forgiveness.

Listening to the Duggar girls I couldn’t help but empathize. They might be in denial (as I was for many years) or they might have come to the place of forgiveness. Either way I pray they feel secure in who they are, holding no shame for what he did and remain diligent in protecting their own children from any future abuse.

As for the parents, I still can’t get over the fact he came to them three times before he was taken out of the home. But then again why did my mother let my grandfather near us? I asked her this last summer. ( I blogged about this too…I’ll revisit as well.)

When I asked my mother this question I saw a little girl look at me with pain in her eyes. “I just couldn’t believe he would do it to anyone but me. I’m so sorry.” My heart forgave the final person that held me captive in a past I could never change.

The world is responding to an evil that is incomprehensible. Media asks ‘why’ and there is no answer that will ever satisfy. The one final comment I will make on Josh Duggar is that he admitted and came forward. There are too many skeletons and too much why in this Duggar family for me to hash out a comprehensible understanding to satisfy any unrest on any part of the story that has been told.

What I am grateful for is because of the Duggar family notoriety we might bring an end to future generational ‘WHY’S’ about abuse and begin to see a decline in an evil that wrecks families and homes.

My prayers are for all victims of abuse.

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyWant to know more of the story? Pick up my memoir EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him for only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

 

Forgiveness Prayer (Healing to be FREE)

03 Tuesday Mar 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

Abuse survivors, domestic violence survivors, forgiveness, forgiveness prayer, healing after abuse, healing after betrayal, healing after tragedy, how to forgive those who wronged you, overcoming anger, steps to forgiveness

While waiting for my son’s baseball game to begin in this nasty weather I sat with my iPad hoping to drum up a post.

and I waited  …  and waited  …  and nothing ‘inspired’ me. So I put it away.

Ah…the freedom to realize just because my anal self feels I should post so many times a week doesn’t necessarily mean I should if they are not ‘inspired’. If I were getting paid to do so, that might be a different story. Now THAT might inspire me. ;)

However, last night I read about something on forgiveness and it struck a chord with me. I felt I’d share it in case it would do the same for you.

heal

This article gave a very good visual of the need for forgiveness. I’m a visual person and with visuals things ‘stick’ better. The only ‘visual’ I’ve ever been given of forgiveness is when we refuse to forgive it’s like taking the poison the you wish to give the offender. The only person poisoned is you.

However, this article made this point: To administer punishment to the ‘offender’ there has to be a jailer. While it might feel like they are getting the deserved punishment you are condemning yourself to the same sentence. Freedom comes only in forgiving the debt created by the offender.

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and has nothing to do with the other person.

Failure to forgive leaves you forever the victim.

I don’t know about you but anytime I’m referred to as ‘the victim’ it makes my skin crawl. We are all victims of something or someone at some point in our life but to remain victimized when we have the tools and the ability to overcome and thrive is a travesty. Jesus didn’t suffer a horrible death for us to remain victims of sin. Regardless of who’s sin it is.

I’ll do whatever it takes NOT to be considered a ‘victim’. BUT I’ll be the first to admit it is NOT EASY.

For Lent I am praying a Forgiveness Prayer for any one I might have not forgiven in my life.

image

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It comes from the book As We Forgive Those by Charles F. Fink. I’ve highlighted this book before multiple times and I strongly recommend it to you if you are struggling with forgiveness.

There are some people I need to forgive that when I say the prayer I first have to ask God to help bring me to the place of meaning every word it says. So I pray it every day until I feel it is coming from within my spirit and not just my voice.

Like I said, it is not easy. Not at all. I am not perfect. I am trying to forgive the best I can. And I know that with my willingness one day I will.

Hang in there. Freedom is a prayer away.

Blessings

Shannon

New Life (Life After Domestic Violence)

26 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

domestic abuse, domestic violence, Domestic Violence Awareness, Faith, forgiveness, healing, Laura White, spirituality

**This is a ‘re-run’ but a GOOD one! :D**

A few weeks ago when Laura White and I drove to Dallas to film another I Have a Voice video I was immeasurably blessed by the amount of hope and fortitude this woman sitting next to me exuded.  So many times we can take the struggles in our lives, focus on the annoyance and irritation of the circumstance and soon the struggle turns into a life-destroying tragedy.

Here is a woman who has miraculously lived through an unimaginable tragedy which has left her to face numerous daily struggles that could easily suck the second chance of life right out of her.  Instead, she focuses on the beauty in the simple things and though her struggles are both an annoyance and irritation she realizes the fact she can feel these emotions is a gift.

I asked Laura to update us on how she is three years after the incident:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life for Me today after Domestic Violence

My life today for the most part is very rewarding and full of surprises.  I find that my eyes are wide open to all that is going on around me daily.  I watch people to see if I see troubled looks on their faces.  I will glance at the sunset or sunrise and look above to thank God that I am still here to see that beauty displayed.  I watch to see how men are treating women where ever I am, at the grocery store, in restaurants, at the gas station, etc.  I smile when I see an elderly couple holding hands or quietly sitting somewhere talking to each other as they are still best friends.  I listen with joy when my 6 year old grandson tells me about his day at school or the next greatest thing he has seen advertised on a commercial.  I sit back quietly to watch and listen to my 2 children when they are together and feel my heart swell with love and pride for the adults they have become.

Real manI still have so many unanswered questions about what I went through.  I wonder how I could have ever have let myself be treated in such cruel ways.  I look back and realize I do not know who that person was.  There are many days that as I am performing simple tasks such as doing laundry, taking out the trash or trimming the bushes in my front yard that my abuser will enter my thoughts.  I will re-enter those memories by thinking about how I lived in such fear if I didn’t perform such simple tasks correctly.  And then I will remember that how I was supposed to perform a task would change without warning and therefore invoke a barrage of verbal abuse usually followed by condemnation, extreme hatred and anger.  A good example of this was when I was first with my abuser I did some laundry and somehow managed to turn some of his socks pink.  Then another time I did laundry I accidentally threw a tee-shirt of his into the dryer therefore resulting in it shrinking.  My abuser verbally attacked me for weeks on end by saying I was out to get him and that I did it on purpose.  My punishment from there on out was I was not allowed to go anywhere near the washer or the dryer.  I was not even allowed to do my own laundry for 4 years.  If I so much as went out to the garage without stating my purpose beforehand, he would jump up and follow me to make sure I wasn’t touching the washer or dryer.  The good news about my life today is I can do my own laundry or other simple daily tasks without fear.  I enjoy the freedom to do my laundry and if I do turn my socks pink, I laugh because I love pink socks!!!

Anger will re-surface from time to time around the consequences I am faced with because my abuser tried to kill me which resulted in him shooting me.  I so long for my body to feel normal again, but as time passes, the body I have now is beginning to feel normal to me for the most part.  I can walk despite the weakness I have in my left leg due to the permanent nerve damage.  I can handle the stairs in a movie theater now.  I can’t run, hop or jump which leaves me wondering what I will ever do if faced with a situation where I have to flee due to impending danger.  The trauma my body suffered has left me with only 30% function in my kidneys which translates into Chronic Kidney Disease Stage 3.  The next level down would put me in danger of having to do dialysis or even worse, a kidney transplant.  When I first heard this from my doctor, the anger that came to the surface took me by surprise.  I have been able to forgive my abuser for his actions, but I am still very angry deep down about the results of his actions.  I do not sleep at night for more than 2-3 hours at a time.  This is not because I have bad dreams or nightmares about what I went through, it is because due to the loss of 80% of my digestive system, I am dehydrated at all times.  My body has to receive water constantly to keep me out of the hospital.  I naturally wake up every couple of hours to drink water.  I have adjusted to the schedule and will relish the few times I actually sleep for 4-6 hours, but then I have to really work hard to catch up on my water intake.

I will end this with how I started this.  My life to today is full of rewards and surprises.  I have such a feeling of peace and serenity to know that I am not in that abusive relationship today.  I have the courage and determination to never let myself be controlled by another person again.  I can stand up for myself and say no today if it doesn’t feel right and I strive to stand up for others who have experienced abuse firsthand.  I love my body as it is today even with its weaknesses and medical issues.  I can look in the mirror today and when I see my 15 inch scar and notice that I no longer have a belly button I smile and say this is my normal.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are struggling, offer it up to the Lord and take a look at your day, recognizing the many blessings you’ve been given.

“They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.”  Isaiah 40:41

Blessings

Shannon

** If you or someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation and needs help please go to the Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)**

Waking Up – When We’re Betrayed

15 Wednesday Oct 2014

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

betrayal, Faith, forgiveness, God's will, healing, help, trust

Sometimes things aren’t always what they seem. That’s true with every single person. We can know them but yet we can’t read their minds or know what’s going on behind their closed doors.

That’s why trust is such a delicate word isn’t it? To trust any single one person is a gift, because it takes believing in that person even when you can’t read their mind or know what is going on behind their ‘closed door’.

Trust is precious.

I know I’ve lost trust in others before and it never feels good to realize I’ve allowed my ‘ugly’ to reveal itself and lose my credibility or trust with another. And I’ve had the same done to me. It’s not fun.

Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. “Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? ~ Jeremiah 17:5-9

But sometimes when our ‘ugly’ is revealed it is a ‘wake up’ moment.  A moment to re-evaluate yourself and a chance to lean on God and allow Him to bring you back into His will.

I’m a firm believer that God brings a greater good from every unfortunate, difficult and ugly situation. Even when trust is lost it can always be found again as long as God leads you to it.

leave everything to God

This is where I am today. WAKING UP re-evaluating myself and those around me…and turning to God to lead me back to where I need to be and find trust where it needs to be found.

Blessings

Shannon

Video

I Have a Voice – Miguel (Finding Faith After Abuse by a Priest)

10 Thursday Oct 2013

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abuse, forgiveness, healing, hope, inspiration, pastor abuse, priest abuse

To view other I Have a Voice videos visit:  https://justshowup1.wordpress.com/i-have-a-voice-videos/

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