Is that REALLY all it takes? To ‘just show up’??

Tags

coping with loss of a child, death of a child, death of a loved one grieving, Faith, finding happiness, finding our calling, finding our purpose, grief, living our destiny, our purpose, showing up, speaking our mind

My friend takes one second at a time to breath. One breath is determined by the sliver of a moment…can she inhale? Will she exhale?

Will her heart make it to the next beat?

Can she will her body to move in time with demands of her daughter?

I watched as those who love and adore cradled her head in their bosom as their salty tears wet the top of her head and she stared into the abyss, accepting their love, allowing their strength to get her through that moment one breath at a time. I could read her thoughts. “This is not happening.”

To bury a child is to bury a part of your heart.

Now what do we say? What do we do?

One day later my parents arrived on my door step for Thanksgiving.

My parents. My father who loves with his entire being and fumbles it like a scolding hot potato in ungloved hands.

Can I really blame him? A man who entered this world with a need to scrap for survival from the onset of his first awareness? LOVE ME. He begged. SEE ME. He screamed in his successes. I’M WORTHY TOO his eyes stared into mine in family gatherings past as I fought an endless fight – one of my own conjuring – because I couldn’t see beyond my own pain.

My sweet parents whom I adore. How many years have I spent ungrateful? Too many.

I can’t change their experiences or their reactions or their responses. But I can change mine.

If I am to ‘show up’ isn’t that what it takes? Not to expect others to conform to my wills and desires but rather for me to take it one moment, one breath at a time? To make a choice in how I choose for the next moment to go?

My visit with my parents has been exceptional. Thanksgiving with family and friends has been life-giving.

But I still wonder what my next move is.

Holidays are notoriously worse for survivors of abuse. The memories. The falsetto of ‘good-cheer’. The passing of another year and the nagging reminder of failures and anxieties. I’ve received several emails and texts over the past few days from those I work with needing to connect and be encouraged and recharged. My heart has not wane. I want to be like ‘Katnis’ in the Hunger Game series (which I saw the movie today with my family) and pronounce to ALL perpetrators “If we go down burning YOU go down with us!”  Because this is a fight I will NOT give up.

But I want to make sure what I DO and what I SAY matters. I don’t want to blog because it’s been three days and I feel like I need to blog otherwise I’ll lose ‘followers’. Ugh.

Or I don’t want to put out some bull-crap post because I feel like I need to reach a certain audience. UGH!

Forget it. If God if asking me to ‘JUST SHOW UP’ then that’s what I’m going to do. In whatever capacity that means.

My GOD first, my HUSBAND and KIDS second , and my CALLING and whatever is left in life will then get priority but I will no longer put this world and the need for ‘approval’ or ‘followers’ or ‘recognition’ ahead of WHO God needs me to SHOW UP FOR.

While my friend struggles to take one breath at a time I will praise God for the ability to take one moment, and if given, the luxury of one day at a time to discern His will and live that moment or day to it’s completeness.

Blessings

Shannon

 

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Happiness is a choice.

Tags

About Time, About Time review, being happy, Depression, finding happiness, finding joy, Happy Song, overcoming abuse, quality time with kids

Friday night I was blessed with an unexpected down moment to spend some quality time with my kids. Ryan (16) hung with me for as long as he could stand it and went to ‘chill out’ and decompress. Seth popped in the movie we had in from Netflix called “About Time” and before we knew it he and I were having a sincere discussion about what makes us ‘happy’.

Time means a lot to Seth. Time in every aspect. How much we spend, how much we have, when we run out. Seth appreciates time as a precious and valuable commodity. Often I have to be conscious about this fact for Seth because clearly his main ‘love language’ is quality time. Time makes Seth happy.

Unbeknownst to me Seth has been writing quotes as they come to him and he shared this one with me the other day:

 

LIVE this day and be ‘done with it’ because tomorrow is a new day. Love him.

Little did we know the movie we were about to watch would demonstrate this philosophy. About Time is about this family that has a peculiar gift, they can travel back in time. They can’t go forward and they can’t go somewhere they haven’t been but they can go back and have a ‘redo’. The ‘take away’ from this film is that it is UP TO YOU to enjoy your life…one day at a time.

Take a moment and watch the movie trailer:

Sure there are days we choose to be sad, upset, angry or just melancholy…sometimes we need to let the emotion have its course…but the fair warning is if you allow yourself to stay in that state it will begin to erode your spirit and block out the light of the joy that God provides every day.

What God has created to amplify our happiness is constant. The moon, the sun, the mountains, the beach, a child’s smile, etc. It is our choice to see it, embrace it.

No one can ‘make you happy’. No thing can ‘make you happy’. Only YOU can make YOU happy.

Something that makes me happy is music and dancing. Since I was a young girl (as early as 3 years old) I would rock in a rocking chair and sing my own music as I rocked. Later Friday night videos came out and I would rock as I watched the videos…letting my mind go and imagination take over as the lyrics and beat took me to new places and adventures that only an imagination can bring. Later someone invented the Walkman and this took me through my teen years into high school where I learned to ‘escape’ in music.

I rocked into my young years as a mother, alone, without a baby in my hands to relieve stress. I let the music take me as I zoned out and let it go.

It’s been years since I’ve rocked in a rocking chair. But music has not ceased to be a consolation. If I realize I need to find my ‘happy place’ I put on music I know will redirect my thoughts and remind me that this life is so short. Why waste it being upset and down?

This quick (only 1 minute) dance instruction for Pharrell’s “HAPPY” song makes me smile on this Monday. I’m going to learn this dance!

I pray your Monday is HAPPY!

Blessings

Shannon