• A Survivor’s Story (About Shannon)
  • About Hopeful Hearts Ministry
  • BOOK (EXPOSED)
  • I Have a Voice (Videos) & Interviews
  • Your Voice (Contact Me)

Just Show Up

~ An Abuse Survivor's Daily Rendering of God Showing Up In Her Life, How She Might Show Up or How She Misses the Mark

Just Show Up

Tag Archives: date rape

Hits Home

03 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Abuse survivors, date rape, healing, healing after abuse, high school theater, rape, rape survivors, sexual assault survivors, westside story

Our family sat around the dinner table the other night. We do ‘highs’ and ‘lows’ taking turns from the youngest to the oldest. When it came to be Ryan’s turn, he’s my junior in high school, he mentioned his low for the day was having to rehearse a rape scene in the Westside Story play.

“Rape scene?” The thud of my heart was like a hammer to my chest.

“Yeah, well, it’s orchestrated to imply that me and this other guy from my gang are raping her. It was awkward. I felt like I needed to apologize to her.”

My throat constricted. “Did you?”

“Yeah, I mean we all felt weird about it. She knew it was just the scene but it made me realize what girls must feel like when that happens.”

My face felt flushed and hot. “I’m sorry you have to do this scene.”

“It’s okay mom. I thought you’d want to know about it before you see it too.”

Your son

After dinner Ryan came up to me and hugged me tightly.

I’ll admit I’ve never watched the movie Westside Story nor have I seen the theater production. I had no idea…how ironic my son happened to be cast in that role.

I mentioned later about contacting the theater director to maybe mention before the production to the audience that there were some scenes that might be offensive but Ryan said I would be overreacting that it was more implied. I’m still pondering…I still have a month before they go on stage.

Thoughts?

I also wanted to take the time to show you are shorter version of the Hopeful Hearts promo video.

Blessings

Shannon

Till It Happens To You

17 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Abuse survivors, CBS interview with lady gaga, child abuse, date rape, diane warren, domestic violence, healing, healing after abuse, healing from rape, lady gaga, rape, songs about abuse, till it happens to you

I was sent a message this morning from a good friend who watched an interview with song-writer Diane Warren and Lady Gaga. It was about her performance of Diane Warren’s song “Till It Happens To You [You Won’t Know How I Feel]”

She said it reminded her of Hopeful Hearts Ministry. I read the article first:

http://CBS Interview with Lady Gaga

And then listened to the song. The words.

The words. Amen.

In the interview Lady Gaga confesses she didn’t ‘think about’ what had happened to her till she was in her late 20’s. My friends, there are many that don’t ‘think about’ what happened to them till their in their 40’s, 50’s, even 60’s.

And when it does come forward and you want to talk, you want to talk to someone who understands. Whether it’s date rape, child abuse, domestic violence, verbal and emotional abuse, no matter the form of abuse, until it happens to you, you don’t know how we feel but it’s important we know we are not alone in what we feel.

I thought about some survivors in particular that are struggling at this very moment with these memories as they champion through this healing process. I know this is their anthem at this time and I shed a tear for them. Because I know. I know.

His mercy is endless…his grace abundant. To those of you who ‘know’…never give up. We know how you feel and we know you can survive and thrive.

Blessings

Shannon

<!–

–>

Confessions of an Incest and Date Rape Survivor (Healing in Acknowledging the Ugly Truth)

23 Wednesday Sep 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Abuse survivors, child abuse survivors, date rape, DMV, domestic abuse, Domestic Violence Awareness, healing, healing after abuse, incest survivors, overcoming anger, trusting again

I don’t want to be ‘defined’ consistently as an incest and date rape survivor. Not that I’m ashamed.

Do. Not. Mistake. This. For. Shame.

The shame is not mine. Why should anyone be ashamed for what has been done to them with complete disregard for their well-being?

No, this is not about shame.

I don’t want to have every emotion, or lack there of, to be because of what had once been done to me. But the ugly truth is – it does.

It’s like when someone gets diagnosed with breast cancer, they go through the chemo, fight the good fight, get a clear reading and then 4 years later get cancer in the brain. It’s not brain cancer. It’s still breast cancer. Breast cancer that has come back and spread to the brain.

quotes about healingWe can heal from the effects of abuse. Absolutely. We can live normal lives. We can thrive. We can be happy, healthy, God-fearing upstanding men and women in our communities and yet the underlying effects of abuse remain in the thread of our being.

I consider myself confident, self-secure and aware in most areas of my life. However, I am insecure in my marriage and lack the ability to accept unconditional love.

Sounds crazy right? Well, maybe for those who have never been abused in such a way that obliterated the ability to trust completely which hinders intimacy on all levels.

I desire attention and affection but subconsciously run and hide when I receive it. I push away. Cause fights. Listen to the enemies lies so I can feel ‘comfortable’ in a state of internal chaos.

My soul cries out, “Choose me!” “Pick me!” and “Tell me I’m enough.”  But when I’m chosen, picked, and praised I question it. “Do you?”, “Am I really?”

Plagued with feeling selfish I internalize a battle of wills ‘not wanting to’ and then ‘overdoing’ because I have to make others happy – because it is that ‘effect’ (aka: cancer) that lays dormant inside – what I want doesn’t matter.

I find it hard to cry or feel in the most tragic situations. I laugh at the most inappropriate times.

you are wonderfully madeYes, this is me inside out.

Often when I struggle with the return of this ‘cancer’ it is not always accompanied by a trigger or memory to make me aware, “Hey! This is a dormant effect caused by the abuse that seeped into the delicate lining of your emotional make-up.”

No. Too often we survivors of abuse go through all of these crazy emotional roller-coasters feeling like we are losing it because we’ve worked so hard at overcoming and forgiving the moment(s) of abuse.

The key is in acknowledging our feelings on all levels, at all times, and learning to express them so little by little we can ‘treat’ the affected area appropriately.

I know there are many out there who could be reading this thinking, “Seriously? Why can’t you just get over it?” Now, typically (just typically not 100%) men tend to lean more on the ‘compartmentalized and get over it’ side of ‘dealing with it’ which could be why we hear less from male survivors than female survivors. Yet, I will say I have met a good number of men whom I am very proud of that have stepped forward and acknowledged ‘this happened to me and it still affects me’, and they get help to better themselves.

Abuse is ugly. Overcoming abuse (in all forms, sexual, physical, emotional/mental) and remaining a thriving, healing journey is complicated but absolutely doable. 

Never ever give up because you are worth it!

Never EVER Give up

I would remise if I failed to acknowledge and thank the man in my life who has lived through my crazy (which led him to ‘crazy’ :D) for 22+ years. Thank you Neal! We are both a piece of work but together we can make a masterpiece. (It might look like Picasso…. but still…)

If you are a survivor of abuse and have yet to speak of it or seek help I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone close and tell them your story. If you don’t feel you have a family member, spouse, pastor, priest or friend you can trust please reach out to us. We want to listen and we want to help you on your healing journey.  hopefulhearts333@gmail.com

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyGet your copy of Shannon Deitz’s personal story, EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

 

 

JennikasIf you live in the Kingwood area get your SIGNED copy of EXPOSED and the Hopeful Hearts Charms at Jennika’s on Kings Harbor

 

 

 

Event-save-the-dateClick HERE to get your tickets to the 2016 Gala!

Real Life – (Healing One Heart at a Time)

10 Thursday Sep 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Abuse survivors, CORNERSTONE TV, date rape, domestic abuse, Domestic Violence Awareness, healing, healing after abuse, healing after rape, I have a voice, Real Life, Real Life TV

This week we are in the process of filming three new I Have a Voice Videos! By the grace of God and the gracious donation by Ricl & Dorothy Alspaugh with Alspaughs Ace Hardware and Sterling Events we will be releasing three new videos in October for Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic Abuse Survivor Jose

I’m grateful for Jose’s courage and strength. She blessed us with her courageous story twice! One in English and again in Spanish, addressing the issues of domestic abuse within the hispanic culture.

I didn’t want too much time to go by without sharing with you all interviews I did with Real Life TV (there are two shows!) … one behind the scenes Holy Spirit moment…when you watch the ‘Girls Series’ they put in a video of a situation that went directly with my personal story. This was not intentional…their videos are on a schedule and they did not pick this video for my story yet it flowed perfectly. God is so good!

I would love to hear from you and if you aren’t yet on twitter, join and add me! @ShannonDeitz or @HopefulHeartsMinistry …I have signed onto the world of Periscope (immediate videos).

Grateful for the way the Holy Spirit is moving!

Blessings

Shannon
Exposed_cover_onlyGet your copy of Shannon Deitz’s personal story, EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

 

 

JennikasJennikasIf you live in the Kingwood area get your SIGNED copy of EXPOSED and the Hopeful Hearts Charms at Jennika’s on Kings Harbor

 

 

Event-save-the-date

Don’t Own Another’s Shame (Healing from the Shame of Abuse)

01 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abuse, date rape, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Faith, gang rape, God's grace, healing, healing after abuse, healing after date rape, not your shame, overcoming abuse, overcoming rape, owning shame, rape, shame

A friend sent me an article yesterday that is stirring up quite a bit of controversy. Rocker, Chrissie Hinde, was ganged raped by a group of motorcyclists when she was in her twenties. She admits to being on drugs at the time and trusted them when they promised they’d give her a ride to a party when instead they took her to an abandoned house and raped her.

Over twenty years later and she continues to own their shame. “If I’m walking around in my underwear and I’m drunk? Who else’s fault can it be?” … But if I’m being very lairy and putting it about and being provocative, then you are enticing someone who’s already unhinged — don’t do that. Come on! That’s just common sense. You know, if you don’t want to entice a rapist, don’t wear high heels so you can’t run from him. If you’re wearing something that says ‘Come and f*** me’, you’d better be good on your feet… I don’t think I’m saying anything controversial am I?”

Read the entire article here.

It breaks my heart to read this article. And yet I know the shame she is owning. Had I not gone to his house when his parents weren’t home. Had I not flirted with him as much as I did. Had I not said the things I said that might have enticed him to take what he wanted. Had I … 1 in 3 of you can fill in your own blank.

I don’t care if Chrissie had been walking NAKED, and stoned out of her mind, those men had NO RIGHT to rape her.

God's grace verseNo one, no man or woman (yes women can rape too), has any right to force sex upon another. Even if …. even IF the person says one minute they want to and the next minute they don’t. A person has a right to change their mind. If they say no then they mean no. If they are wishy washy better to let it go and cool off!

Unfortunately, it would be a rare day to get those who have it in their mind to take what they want at any cost to suddenly respect their victim and let them go. I wish I could say we are close to achieving a world where there is no violence or sexual, emotional or physical abuse. I wish. I PRAY.

The enemy has too far a hold on the world as a whole sexuality, therefore there will continue to be even good people that fall into that selfish way. But that is their shame to own, not yours. Not the victims.

Yes, we need to respect ourselves! Yes we need to carry ourselves in such a way that expresses we mean what we say and we claim our dignity. Of course! But you never know the mind of one who has already decided to take what they want regardless of your self-respect and dignity. You could be in a full dress, head to toe robe, and still be a victim of such insidious acts.

As my friend said this weekend, “Don’t allow 15 minutes of abuse to take 30 years of your life.”

without God's graceGranted for many it isn’t just that moment, that time span. For many I work with it is years… and it claims a powerful hold. But we have to take that power back, at some point we have to say ‘enough is enough’ and not allow those moments of another’s sin and shame to claim our entire lives.

If you need help to unclench your fist from the shame of the abuse please pray this prayer with me:

Heavenly Father, I am weak and weary from fighting this battle to overcome this abuse. I did not ask for this to take over my life. I want my life back. This is their shame and not mine. Please help me to see discard this cloak of shame and put on the brilliant robe of Your LOVE and MERCY. I give them over to You for forgiveness. Help me to not waste another moment of the life I’ve been given to LIVE on the memory of what had been done to me in the past. You have given me a purpose in this world, help me to look ahead to the blessings that are waiting to unfold for me. In Jesus Name I pray – Amen.

 

I am headed to Pittsburgh, PA to do a TV interview on ‘Real Life’ TV www.ctvn.org I have a live interview on the 9am (EST) show and then we are taping another interview. Go on line and check out a possible listing in your area!

Blessings

Shannon
Exposed_cover_only Get your copy of Shannon Deitz’s personal story, EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle.

JennikasIf you live in the Kingwood area get your SIGNED copy of EXPOSED and the Hopeful Hearts Charms at Jennika’s on Kings Harbor.

Lead Me (Healing One Another)

22 Saturday Aug 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

child abuse, date rape, Faith, Finding God in Our Trials, healing, healing after rape, Jared Fogle, Lead Me Guide Me, overcoming abuse, rape, St. Paul prep school

I stood in the car dealership and listened to the news, Jared Fogle was agreeing to a plea deal for having been involved in child pornography and having sex with minors. CNN Report

My heart sank. I put my hand up to my eyes to rub out the threat of tears. I thought about those minors and what they’d experienced. He is to pay them $100,000 each. Really? Like that will make the years of confusion, anxiety, insecurity, shouldering HIS guilt and HIS shame, and uncertainty of who they are in worth just *POOF* go away????

Really?

When I made it home I turned on another news channel and listened to the young woman in the St. Paul’s Prep School rape case defend herself in court. NY Times Report

The disguised voice came across confident of her truth with a trade of uncertainty. Will anyone believe me? I know this because I have been that girl. When asked why she would respond to his emails and from all appearances make it seem like she was playing the same game she claimed it was because she didn’t want him to ‘come after her again’ and she didn’t want to become a target for ridicule at the school she still had 3 years to attend.

wipe tears awayI get it. I never spoke of what happened with the first young man who raped me because we were friends who hung out in the same circle. Would any one believe me?

And with the second rapist in college I went back to him because he was such a force at the school. Everybody seemed to love him, to praise him, students and school staff alike. How could I ever be credible against him?

I get it. The sting of tears that threatened to erupt in the dealership now flowed freely in the comfort of my home. They weren’t tears for me…I’ve overcome the anxieties of this part of my past. These were tears for these young girls. 

I know what they are struggling with right now and I want to take that pain away from them. I know the path they’ll need to follow to find freedom from this part of their life and I know they’ll be stronger for it but I want to hold their hand along the way, maybe even give them a ride. If only I could.

An hour later my phone rang one ring and stopped. The fact my ringer was on was a miracle because I never have my ringer on. (Just ask Neal, it’s a pet peeve of his that I never get his calls because my phone is on vibrate!) I picked it up and called the number back thinking to myself “Why am I doing this? I’m sure it was a wrong number or misdial.”

A woman with a heavy proper English accent answered and stumbled with her words. At first I was uncertain if she meant to call me and finally she began to make sense. She needed information on my ministry.

Two hours later I hung up with the flesh on my arms still bristled with Holy Spirit goosebumps.

She was a woman in her sixties who had suffered through an unimaginable horror in Africa when she was younger. Once she was able to truly get her words together she began to lament about the 300 young women who had been stolen from their families in Nigeria.

ephesians 5 8 live as children of lightShe explained in detail the various horrors they were undoubtedly suffering (if they were not already gone) because she had lived through them herself. She wept for these young women and simply needed to speak it out loud.

In the end she let me know she had been holding on to my number for nearly three years. She had tried various times to call but would hang up before it rang just as she did today. When I called back she said she tried to lie and say it was a wrong number but God wouldn’t let her which is why her words were so jumbled.

She wants to see me. To share with me more of her story. She’s been to countless therapists in her life and yet she knows what she needs is to speak to someone who understands her pain.

I would have listened to her all day but she needed to get back to her life. She left me singing a hymn and asked me to look up the lyrics. I thought I’d leave you with it today:

 

Unknown – Lead Me Guide MeLead Me Guide Me Verse 1:

I AM WEAK AND I NEED THY STRENGTH AND POWER TO HELP ME O-VER MY WEAKEST HOUR LEAD ME THROUGH THE DARKNESS THY FACE TO SEE LEAD ME OH LORD LEAD ME

CHORUS LEAD ME, GUIDE ME, ALONG THE WAY FOR IF YOU LEAD ME I CANNOT NOT STRAY LORD LET ME WALK, EACH DAY WITH THEE LEAD ME OH LORD LEAD ME

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

VERSE 2: Help me tread in the paths of righteousness. Be my aid when Satan and sin oppress. I am putting all my trust in Thee: Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me. I am lost if you take your hand from me, I am blind without Thy light to see. Lord just always to me thy servant be, Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me. Thank you for visiting AllGospelLyrics.com!

 

We are a support to one another…Christian to Christian…survivor to survivor… when you speak your truth you are healing another who knows your pain. 

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyGet your copy of Shannon’s Memoir EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle!

 

 

 

JennikasOr purchase a SIGNED COPY at Jennika’s at King’s Harbor in Kingwood where you can find the sterling silver Hopeful Hearts Charms.

Be the ONE (Healing in Making a Change)

19 Wednesday Aug 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

be the one, date rape, date rape survivors, healing after abuse, healing after date rape, one voice, rape, Senior salute scandal, St. Paul prep school, stand up for others, use your voice

My fingertips hover above the laptop, my brain is swarming with a deluge of news stories, and my heart is saddened yet I don’t know where to begin, except with His word:

Be still

I’ll be very honest. I. Can’t. Focus.

I want to write some amazing blog that might reach one, ten, or even hundreds of hearts and help them to heal but today I’m scattered. I watched the news this morning and heard the story of the ‘Senior Salute’ a long-standing tradition at the New England boarding school that involved senior students attempting to sleep with lowerclassmen and keeping score of their conquests. (Taken from the Daily Beast) where a 19 year old young man in his senior year wanted to be #1 in his conquests and allegedly raped a 15 yr old woman on the rooftop of a building on campus. The trial begins today.

Conquest. That word makes my skin crawl. When a young woman thinks she’s being ‘courted’ she lets her guard down, and let’s face it, most young women don’t assume young men are after them as a conquest. I use the ancient term ‘court’ to best describe truly how young women feel regardless of what social media portrays…all women, no matter the age, want to believe they are worth the attention, devotion, and admiration of a man despite what they can offer sexually.

Granted, there are the acceptation to the norm, the young women who have already lost a sense of self-respect and dignity and who feel the only way they can get attention and admiration is to offer up their bodies. I know these women well because I was one of them.

But I was first the conquest which led me to become the, well, I’d say a crude word but I will go easy on myself. I longed to be ‘courted’ and out of my desperation I entered into a game that left me not just conquered but discarded.

images-9

I hear about this ‘long standing tradition’ at this highly esteemed prep school and I wonder how is it that over all of these years one man or woman hasn’t stood up to change the tradition? These are men and women who have become congressmen, famous actors, philanthropists, ambassadors, authors, clergymen, and many other highly respected positions.

The young man in question was to go on to college and study theology…

I came into work and because I couldn’t focus I went through my devotionals on the YouVersion Bible app. I finished the devotional “The Confident Woman” by Joyce Meyer and received the following message from a male friend of mine on the app:

“Congratulations Shannon! Makes me wonder how we can start a movement where men learn, embrace and shout biblical respect, love and honoring of women? Men must change.” ~ Bill

I replied:

“It starts with one man willing to be the example. I think you have already begun.”

images-2There is so much going on in our world that it brings me to my knees and leaves me at times unfocused because where could I possibly begin to help heal those in that hurt or stop it? And yet God asks me to be still…to remember He is God…HE SAVES…and it is with one voice, OUR VOICE…YOUR VOICE… that we begin.

We can’t ignore these behaviors any longer. We shouldn’t brush it off as ‘a growing phase’ or ‘not a big deal’. In all the various news that erupts on a daily basis (the violence, the domestic abuse, rapes, etc) we can’t read about it and simply think “what a shame”. Rather, we need to at least be a voice to our children, to our friends, to the ones we have some immediate influence and speak up. Start the conversation and empower another.

I guess I woke up. 😉 I’d love to hear your thoughts, your ideas, YOUR VOICE.

Blessings

Shannon

There IS a Better Day to Come (Healing with Time)

12 Wednesday Aug 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bullying, date rape, Faith, God's love, healing, healing after rape, overcoming rape, rape, REFINER'S FIRE

Yesterday I met with Caitlin, a young woman whom I was introduced to a few years ago. Her story is quite extraordinary. She is a rape survivor. She was 13 when she was set up by her friend, locked in her friend’s bedroom and raped by two young men.

The rapes left her with an extended hospital stay and a great amount of fear. The oldest of the two boys was convicted and sent to prison, the younger of the two did some time in juvie. Instead of Caitlin getting support from her peers she got ridiculed, blamed and bullied. Eventually she quite school and was home-schooled.

Caitlin’s story in her own words:


Caitlin and I first met just over two years ago. She was finishing high school, working a full-time job and done with living the life of a victim. Quiet, even at times painfully shy, Caitlin did what most adults find it difficult to do, and that is tell her story, demand more for herself in life, and set out to make it happen. She just needed a little encouragement, support and a gentle nudge in the right direction if she faltered back into the ‘comfort of her fears’.

Today Caitlin is merely months away from completing her Dental Hygienist certification. She has been dating a young man who respects, cherishes and supports her. Life is still not easy for Caitlin…there are residual effects from the rapes and even the bullying years ago, but she perseveres and continues to wait for the next blessing.

We met in the new Hopeful Hearts Headquarters and I noticed her staring at the affirmation wall. “If you could pick one word off the wall that stands out the most for you today which word grabs you?”

IMG_7405

She didn’t hesitate. “Empowered. I’ve been staring at it this entire time. After all these years I finally feel like I can see the good in today and what is in store for me. I feel strong and, well, empowered. It’s crazy to think of how I felt when we first met. I was ready to take my life and now there is so much I want to do.”

Listening to her, watching the spark in her eye dance and the smile on her face widen, caused my heart to overflow with joy. Yes, it’s been a long, tough road and there were moments when it seemed she’d lost all hope to continue but she never gave up. She trusted in God’s plan for her and leaned on the support he’d given her in the ones she loved.

She is an encouragement to me. In fact, rarely is there someone I’ve seen that hasn’t become some form of a reminder in what a little tenacity and perseverance can prevail.

If I were to look at the affirmation wall today I’d say my word is:

REFINED

IMG_7406

My Lord is ‘refining’ me, molding, tweaking and forming me into His image. It has definitely been a ‘refining year’ and now that I feel closer to the final stages I am grateful for every single struggle along the way.

 

What is YOUR word today?

images-7

Remember it is one day at a time, one blessing, one moment, one breath.

Blessings

Shannon

Read more of Shannon’s story overcoming date rape for only $1.99 on Kindle.

Exposed_cover_only

Frozen – All Survivors of Date Rape & Sexual Assault please read! (Healing in knowledge)

17 Wednesday Jun 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abuse, Abuse survivors, child abuse, date rape, Dr. Rebecca Campbell, healing after rape, incest survivors, overcoming trauma, rape, rape survivors, sexual assault survivors, Tonic Immobility, Trauma and sexual assualt, understanding the freeze response, understanding trauma, why don't they fight

** To ALL survivors please read!!! This changed my life and I can’t help sharing because for years I never could understand why I didn’t ‘fight back’ or ‘run’… and I know those of you who have never (thankfully) suffered any form of abuse or sexual assault you have never understood why we didn’t either. Well, here is your answer! I re-read this and see “40 degree weather” and I’m imagine by the time this is published I will be sweating pounds off in our 100 degree Texas heat! Maybe if I just re-read this again I can feel the cool air… 😉 **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  I met Stephanie for a scheduled 7 mile run in the 40 degree weather (which is unusual for Houston, TX right now!) and felt the claws of negativity and indifference grip me.  But I did it anyway.

I arrived home at 6:20am and went straight to my little prayer corner:

prayer

It has been awhile since I’ve written in my journal.  For me this is unusual as it is my way of communicating to God and also relinquishing worries and concerns.  Lately it’s been something I’ve avoided.  I couldn’t tell you why though I have many theories.  Today I grabbed the journal and read the quote on the page:

“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.”  John 15:7

Offering the verse as a prayer I wrote, “Lord I need you.  It is not easy for me to journal lately but I know you are near.  You have been so good to me and you are amazing.  I need to figure out how to overcome what I’m going through and face the demons of my past so I can go forward and do the work you’ve called me to.  Help me Lord.  Amen”

At 7:00am I got out of the shower and for no reason that I can think of I checked my emails on my phone and saw the last one received was asking of a task I was supposed to have done but failed to do.  Suddenly I was kicked into full gear.  Though the day was proving to match the mood when I woke up I didn’t stress.  Ten minutes later Ryan came to my bathroom door and said, “Mom, I need a Roman Soldier costume for stations tomorrow morning.”  What?!  Again, I let the few choice words I had on my tongue dissolve and kept moving forward.  Get ready, was all I could think.

By 8am I was successfully completing the task I failed to do a few days before, and at 10am when in my bible study and I mentioned the Roman costume dilemma one of the ladies looked at me and said, “Oh, I have one!”  Thank you God! 😉

At 11am I delivered the teaching on Genesis 41 & 42 and then rushed out after to attend the “Not Making Sense is Traumatic” Neurobiology of Trauma mini-seminar hosted by the Houston Police Department.  My friend who leads the Mission at Serenity Ranch (a safe house for survivors of human trafficking) told me about the training and I signed up immediately.

This was the highlight of my day.  To ALL SURVIVORS please, please, please do yourself a favor and read the following article by Dr. Rebecca Campbell a research Psychologist at Michigan State University.  This information transformed and validated me in what I went through as a survivor of sexual assault and incest.

Dr. Rebecca Campbell  on Tonic Immobility (the FREEZE reaction)

I would try and go through the abundance of golden information that she gave today but there is no way I could explain it the way she did so, again, please go to the link above and read her article.  If you are a survivor of sexual assault you will want to read the article. 

frozenTypically, when a person is faced with a traumatic experience the common thought that is misconstrued is that you’ll either ‘FIGHT’ or ‘FLIGHT’ (run).   If you talk to a survivor of such a traumatic experience a high percentage of them (I personally want to say – from the survivors I’ve worked with – 99%) will say ‘But I FROZE’.  And those who have not gone through a similar traumatic experience will then question “Why didn’t you fight back?”  Or “Why didn’t you run?”.  And the survivor will inevitably feel guilty and ashamed and say, “I don’t know.”

BUT NOW I KNOW!  Thank you to Dr. Rebecca Campbell.  Again read this article:  Tonic Immobility (Freeze Response)

I left the mini-seminar with a certificate and a feeling of euphoria (also explained by Dr. Campbell) because I finally have found understanding in why I reacted the way I did with both rapes and most likely as a very young child with my grandfather.

An example of this ‘T. I. or Tonic Immobility’ response is best shown by this YouTube video where they demonstrate this response with sharks:   Sharks and T.I.

Also, if you’d like to hear what prompted Dr. Campbell to begin her research watch this YouTube video:

Dr. Rebecca Campbell Interview explaining what prompted her begin research on why victims react the way they do after the trauma.

This information was a gift.  It doesn’t take away what I’m going through because what I’m going through is needed for my journey, however, it gives answers to questions I never thought I’d get answered.  I asked God for help and he helped!

I commend the Houston Police Department Sexual Assault Crimes Division for bringing Dr. Rebecca Campbell into Houston and training their first responders to better understand the victims response.  This is ground breaking and can serve to be the key in getting more cases prosecuted!

There is always hope.  Always.

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_only Read more about Shannon’s journey to heal after date rape (twice)… there is always HOPE.

Exposed: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him $1.99 on Kindle!

 

Forgiveness from an Incest Survivor’s Perspective (Healing’s Toughest Step)

09 Tuesday Jun 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abuse, child abuse, date rape, Duggar family, Faith, faith in tragedy, forgiveness, healing after abuse, healing after tragedy, how to forgive, how to forgive the one who abused you, incest, Josh Duggar, sibling incest, why do bad things happen

“Everyone [family] just wants me to forgive and forget, like it never happened. Let’s not make a fuss.”

“Why is it he gets to move on with his life and I’m the one told to ‘forgive’ and let it go. By all means don’t let me taint the family name.”

“He was my brother, I loved him and he didn’t physically harm me. I tried to let it go. I didn’t want him to get into trouble. I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until all of this with the Duggar’s. I’ve forgiven him, I still love him but it is hard to forget the shame of it all.”

These are just a few of the comments I’ve heard from sibling incest survivors in the past few weeks. After watching the Fox News Kelly File interview with the Duggar’s and their daughters, I realize the only way I can respond is by what I do best, discussing how I can relate because of what I’ve personally overcome.

Here are my facts. I was molested by grandfather (my mother’s father) when I was around 3 – 8 from what I recall. We did not see him often, at best once a year, at worst twice. And if he was in our home then it was safe (or I don’t have ‘bad’ memories in my home only in his or in a common vacation spot we’d meet for family reunions.)

My grandfather was funny and good-looking. I can recall his smile and I can manage to look past the disturbing memories that have surfaced to still see his face, mouth spread wide from ear to ear in a hearty laugh and his salt & peppered buzzed haircut. I would float the palms of my hands over the flattest part of his hair because it was always so soft. And he smelled like coffee.

I detest the smell of coffee and at 41 years old have never had a cup.

I remember when I was about 9 or 10 years old that he had a heart attack or something major happened and we were told he might not make it. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief.

He made it.

Be stillWhen I was 18 years old, the summer after my freshman year in college, I told my parents about what had happened to me. The rape in high school and the rape in college. My mother came with me when it was time to move back into the dorm and spent the night with me. In the darkness she whispered, “I was raped as a little girl, for a long time.”

Without a thought to hold me back I knew. “Was it Grandpa?”

I could hear her sit up in bed. “How did you know?”

For some reason, even though she just told me she was his victim too, I clammed up. “I don’t know. Just a feeling.”

My mother went into counseling. Confronted her father (who claimed she ‘asked for it’) and told the entire family. My oldest sister came forward with the same secret.

I kept my mouth shut. It was too difficult to accept. Even when it happens to you sometimes you just can’t accept it. The two persons don’t belong in the one body. Besides, I was suffering through the trauma of two date rapes. My young psyche couldn’t handle the overload.

My mother cut off all contact with him and my grandmother.

My sister still allowed him to come visit her. Why? I can’t say because that’s her story to tell.

My brother championed him. I felt like my uncles and their wives did too. Stood behind him but left the rest of us out as the ‘trouble makers’. Or so I felt…later I came to realize they were in their own denial and pain.

At this point he was ‘just an old man’… forgive him. Let it go.

I tried to talk to my aunt about it , what my mother was going through, and I was quickly quieted. It was too difficult to listen to. To accept. Let it go.

Family meant so much to me and I lost contact with all of them, thankfully they kept up with my mom. I never questioned why my mother never said anything earlier. Maybe this is what she’d feared.

Finally I met up with another aunt and uncle who lived not too far away. My boys were small and I wanted them to meet their great aunt and uncle. But Grandpa was in town visiting. Would I go? Should I go?

I went. My husband met him… how did we do it and not get into a fight? I let it go because it is too hard to think about when it’s not ‘in the dark’. But I couldn’t stay long. The more I looked at him the more mad I became.

My grandmother died. My mom and I chose not to go to the funeral. My sister and brother went. My sister confronted my grandfather about what he’d done to her. He admitted to it. Never said he was sorry. In my opinion that night he shut the case on her ever knowing her true worth.

do not judgeAt the age of 39 I’d overcome a great deal and felt I had mastered the art of forgiveness. I was able to put my rapist’s well-being into the hands of God, let God change them or administer punishment whichever course they chose to take but I was not going to be chained to the fear and shame they inflicted on me for the rest of my life. Yet I was still troubled. Something wasn’t right and I couldn’t put my finger on the brick of sadness that was lodged in my chest.

And then it hit me. The memories rushed all at once like a tidal wave that quite literally knocked me to the floor. I could see that smile, smell the coffee on his breath and I remembered.

I wept for that little girl. I rejoiced because my life, all of it, made sense.

I finally understood why I reacted or responded to certain things in harmful or troubling ways throughout my life. It all made sense and the brick was gone. I was free.

He was 95. I wanted to see him. Not for an apology. He didn’t give it to my mother nor to my sister why would I get one?

I told my mom. Dejected and quite beaten down she responded. “I figured as much. I’m sorry I ever allowed him around all of you.”

I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t ask the obvious. ‘WHY?’ Why did you? If you knew what he was capable of, why would you?

Two months later my grandfather died. I had to go to the service. He wouldn’t ‘see’ me and I wasn’t sure where he’d be to ‘hear’ me but I had to go. I blogged about this trip. I will re-release this in the next two days. My tribute to every incest survivor out…let freedom ring. 😉

He met God face to face and unless my grandfather changed his ways towards repentance then who best to truly pass down a just judgement?

The greatest gift I’ve given myself is forgiveness.

Listening to the Duggar girls I couldn’t help but empathize. They might be in denial (as I was for many years) or they might have come to the place of forgiveness. Either way I pray they feel secure in who they are, holding no shame for what he did and remain diligent in protecting their own children from any future abuse.

As for the parents, I still can’t get over the fact he came to them three times before he was taken out of the home. But then again why did my mother let my grandfather near us? I asked her this last summer. ( I blogged about this too…I’ll revisit as well.)

When I asked my mother this question I saw a little girl look at me with pain in her eyes. “I just couldn’t believe he would do it to anyone but me. I’m so sorry.” My heart forgave the final person that held me captive in a past I could never change.

The world is responding to an evil that is incomprehensible. Media asks ‘why’ and there is no answer that will ever satisfy. The one final comment I will make on Josh Duggar is that he admitted and came forward. There are too many skeletons and too much why in this Duggar family for me to hash out a comprehensible understanding to satisfy any unrest on any part of the story that has been told.

What I am grateful for is because of the Duggar family notoriety we might bring an end to future generational ‘WHY’S’ about abuse and begin to see a decline in an evil that wrecks families and homes.

My prayers are for all victims of abuse.

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyWant to know more of the story? Pick up my memoir EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him for only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

 

← Older posts

Search the site

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,433 other followers

Hopeful Hearts Ministry

Hopeful Hearts Ministry

smdeitz Just Showing Up

No Instagram images were found.

Showing Up on Twitter

  • Sometimes we forget that we are not our parents or grandparents. God has given us our own path. We don't have to ke… twitter.com/i/web/status/1… 3 months ago
  • Healing takes time. Recovery takes time. Getting stronger takes time. Your timing is yours. No one gets to rush you. https://t.co/YXiQwfoIir 3 months ago
  • Sometimes we just need to pause. It doesn't mean we have quit or given up. A pause can help us refocus, realign our… twitter.com/i/web/status/1… 3 months ago
  • How have you seen truth in this statement? https://t.co/vbaF9ByhCA 4 months ago
  • My soul will never heal if I don't give it time to rest. We get caught up in the busyness of life and forget that w… twitter.com/i/web/status/1… 4 months ago
Follow @shannondeitz

Blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
  • Follow Following
    • Just Show Up
    • Join 2,433 other followers
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Just Show Up
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...