Being Heard (Part 3 of an Incest Survivor’s Journey to Healing)

Tags

child abuse, Duggars, Faith, family secrets, healing after abuse, healing after rape, healing families, incest survivors, overcoming abuse, overcoming tragedy

Looking back I realized I never fully processed what happened that day at my grandfather’s memorial service. The next day I wrote a short paragraph about traveling another 11 hours home and how Heather was the perfect person to be with me on this trip. But I didn’t write what I felt about having my voice.

It’s been two years {now three as of May 2016} since this journey and I can look back on it with gratitude, respect for putting myself out there, and respect for my uncles as well for doing the best they could to open up and show me that they always had loved and supported me.

That day during the memorial service I was a 4 year old with ants in her pants. The officiate went on and on about the service my grandfather provided to the town and his church. When it was implied that my grandfather did his daily readings and was diligent in his bible study heat rose to my cheeks. If he was a faithful Christian then why did he blame what he did on us? Why wouldn’t he acknowledge his sinful ways and show us mercy instead of spite? The accolades went on for what felt like forever. I couldn’t take it anymore – I stuck my tongue out in disgust and rolled my eyes. An elderly woman sitting adjacent to me saw it all and gave me a puzzled look. I’m sure she was thinking what is this grown woman doing acting like a petulant child?

My uncles stood up one by one to give their personal eulogies for their father. The child in me wanted to plug her ears, rock back and forth and hum so I didn’t have to hear another word…but the adult won over and I listened to stories of an attentive father who taught them valuable lessons in life. I heard of a father greatly missed…and I recognized how difficult it must have been for them to rectify that man with the monster their sister and nieces were claiming hid within him. My hardened heart began to thaw for my uncles.

The service was over and everyone exited the building to do the gun salute for the service my grandfather gave to the Air Force. I stayed inside and held onto my nephew, Riley. He was the perfect comfort needed…I could hold him close and not feel vulnerable. I put Riley on my hip and walked up to the front of the room where my grandfather’s ashes rest among pictures of him and the family (including my mother).

“You hurt me deeply. Because of what you did to me to satisfy your own evil and sick desires I lived a life feeling like I didn’t matter. It didn’t matter how I felt or what I felt I had to please others because that was what I felt I was made to do. If it hurt me or didn’t feel right to me it didn’t matter. What you did to me tainted my understanding of what love is and should be and it kept me from receiving unconditional love because I never knew how to love without conditions. Your selfish ways affected me in so many areas of my life but I am not going to allow you to take any more of my life.”

I stared at the face of the man who took advantage of my innocence and at the same time I saw the smile I adored, the salt & pepper crazy flat top, and an arrow of nostalgic memories hit me of the man God created…not the monster the enemy formed. Riley nuzzled his head into my shoulder and I hugged him closer.

“Goodbye grandpa.”

That evening I went to dinner with my uncles and tentatively a few of them talked about the gap in time we all missed since my mother came forward. They had all dispersed, never getting together again for family reunions. It hadn’t dawned on me that none of my aunts were there at the funeral, nor were my cousins. The picture I’d painted of this unified front of ‘them’ against ‘us’ was formed only out of hurt and pain. It wasn’t real. My heart went out to this family that had been torn apart by one’s selfishness and weakness against the enemy.

A few weeks later my mother met up with her uncles for a reunion, the first they’d all been together in 20 years.

I know that sometimes people don’t ‘talk’ because they don’t want to tear the family apart or ruin the family name…but if we don’t talk of the evil that is happening behind closed doors then it will continue to remain from generation to generation. To set the family ‘free’ every voice needs to be heard. Beyond all else the victims deserve to know they are worth championing.

I pray this ‘journey’ down my own healing path has given some inside look of the delicate web weaved in a family plagued by incest.

Blessings

Shannon

  Read more from Shannon’s first memoir (the early years) EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him

Day of Reckoning Part 2 of an Incest Survivor’s Journey to Healing

Tags

Abuse survivors, catch my breath, child abuse, Faith, healing, healing from abuse, healing our wounds, incest survivors, journey to healing, kelly clarkson catch my breath, overcoming childabuse

*This is a revisiting of the journey I took to ‘put the final nail’ in my abuser’s coffin…*

—————————————-

I figured today I would blog as I could, give you the range of my emotions.  Right now it’s 7:37am and after a very fitful night of sleep I am hearing Martina McBride’s song Independence Day  in my head “Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing.  Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning.  Let the weak be strong.  Let the right be wrong.  Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay.  It’s Independence Day.”

I have 3 hours before the funeral service.  My uncle called me last night to check in and make sure I made it in town ok.  He mentioned the family will gather at my grandfather’s house afterward.  I know I make them nervous.  Like I’m a ticking time bomb and they need to ‘handle me with delicate care.’  I suppose they are right.  Seriously, my intention is not to ‘go off’ on anyone.  Or even discuss it for that matter.  They’ve hid their heads in the sand long enough there is nothing I can say now that would make them change the way they view or care about their father or father -in -law.  Not that it would be my place to anyway.

Today is for me.  Even if he is ashes.  It is for me to know that I have a voice, even if it is words I’ll say in my head.  Heather thought of bringing an actual nail.  I thought that was funny.  So at this moment I am numb, not expecting anything.  I might not feel anything at all.  And that’s okay.  Because simply making the trip here is therapeutic.  I felt I needed to do it and I am.

Ran 2.5 miles around the new Hotel building… Now sitting in the service. Nice to see my Uncles… I do love them. In the shower I had another memory… And through my tears I thought about when I’ve had moments of feeling others pain. I know I don’t wish him to hell and I feel for my uncles on ever embracing the truth of their father.

Im sitting in the back and I’m catching my breath.

Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson..

 

Blessings

Shannon

Get your copy of Shannon’s memoir today for only $1.99 on Kindle.

The Effects of Abuse are Universal (Healing ALL Hearts) *Plus FREE eBook Promotion*

Tags

abuse, abuse awareness, Bullying, child abuse, domestic violence, domestic violence awarenes, Faith, healing, overcoming sexual assault, sexual assault, sexual assualt prevention, speaking out, universal effects of abuse

*This is a past blog I felt important to share again for Sexual Assault Prevention Month*  BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE SPECIAL BOOK PROMOTION (FREE!!!) AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POST!!!

“Isn’t domestic violence different than having been raped? Don’t they experience different emotions and healing?” This was a question posed to me today at lunch.

Among abuse the ‘act’ perpetrated can be different: ie: physical violence, forced sexual contact, psychological mind play, verbal degrading, neglect, etc, however, the lasting effect of surviving any form of abuse is universal. The wound of feeling unworthy, shame and guilt is the same no matter what form of abuse created it.

The group I was with happened to be some ladies in the area that I’d never met with before and I was happy to have the question because in truth, I’m sure many people assume in helping one to heal it has to be separate. We focus on Domestic Violence separate from Date Rape, and yet, if it is the boyfriend or date doing the rape it is considered violence (domestic if they are dating)…and more often than not a young woman in a violent relationship or marriage that is being beaten, psychologically controlled and manipulated is also at some point in the relationship being raped by their boyfriend or spouse.

The verbal, mental and emotional abuse is often the underlying factor to nearly every form of abuse. Even with neglect…the lack of love, lack of care, lack of emotion and affirmation is verbal, and emotional abuse.

The effects of abuse last beyond the initial fist to cheek, push, slap, degrading comment, humiliation, or any moment of a forced sexual act or even innuendo. The effect is the insecurity that affects life-altering decisions. The effect is the lack of self-respect brought on by the guilt. The effect is the fear that is triggered by a word, touch, scent or situation.

The effect is same for a four year old American caucasian or black girl raped by their grandfather as it is for a four year old African caucasian or black girl raped by the militia. The effect is the same for a thirty year old hispanic woman beaten daily emotionally and physically by her husband as it is for an asian woman being demeaned and degraded, set aside by her husband. The effect is the same for a young boy molested by his next door neighbor as it is for a young boy being sold on the streets. Or a son beaten and verbally broken down into submission by his father as it is for boy excessively bullied at school.

The effects of abuse are universal which is why it is so important to spread the awareness of what it does to each of us. To get more and more survivors to talk about it and be heard so that generations to come can be aware, know the effects and how they affect a person, therefore empowering them to walk (or run) from a situation before it can take place…or in the least know to get help immediately if found in a similar situation.

Another woman asked, “How do you listen to so many stories every day especially when you are a survivor? Doesn’t it affect you negatively?”

The truth is this, hearing others stories and how they have lived through them and survived them first gives me continued hope and courage because sitting before me is a person who has lived through hell. They are still here and they are wanting to live. Second, the offense fuels the fire of my calling. To speak out, to help others speak out, to spread awareness and offer hope. And finally, I want nothing more than to see the person before me succeed in reclaiming their worth and take back their life. To not only survive but thrive beyond what was ‘done or said’
to them.

I left the lunch feeling a bit more invigorated and encouraged because by having to explain what I do it was as if God wanted me to hear what I needed to say.

If you have any questions about Hopeful Hearts Ministry or if you know of someone who could benefit from our ministry please do not hesitate to contact me at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com.

Blessings
Shannon

  *SPECIAL FREE BOOK PROMOTION*  Thursday – Monday EXPOSED will be on Kindle for FREE!!!

Redeemed – Ch. 20 “Until Death Do Us Part” & Epilogue

Tags

abuse, child abuse, Faith, family, healing after abuse, healing after sexual assault, living with someone who once suffered abuse, marriage, marriage problems, multiple sclerosis, overcoming child abuse, overcoming ms, sexual assault

Our journey has come to an end. I want to thank each and every one of you that has stuck with me since January with Ch. 1 every Monday night! I know now (last least for me) why I felt God called me to share this story in this way before publishing it … I needed to focus on every gift, blessing, and lesson that each chapter of this time in my life provided.

When I wrote it over two years ago I was set on getting it out as I remembered. The chapters proved to be cathartic in the unfolding of what God has done in my life to date but it wasn’t until I suffered through 2015 and took a break from looking at it that I was able to see chapter by chapter a greater clarity of God’s hand not just holding me through the suffering but often gripping me by the hair and pulling me out of my own sin and shame.

In all that I am going through now I do so with a great confidence in my God. No that ‘things’ happen for a reason’, no I don’t like that statement…but that God brings GOOD from every thing. Even the ugliest choices we make.

If I can get my act together I hope to have a paperback and ebook version of REDEEMED by mid-summer to end of the summer.

Once again, thank you or the emails and comments in sharing your stories with me! Please continue to follow along the blog!

Redeemed Ch. 20 Blog Release

Redeemed Epilogue Blog Release

Click HERE to catch read all the chapters of Redeemed. They will only be available for a short time!

Blessings

Shannon

A few disclaimers:
**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, retains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**

Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.
Read the early part of Shannon’s healing journey in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him. Available on Amazon, Audible, and only $1.99 on Kindle.
Buy your SIGNED COPY of Exposed at Jennika’s – A Bazaar Place at King’s Harbor

Redeemed Ch. 11 – The Scream

Tags

Abuse survivors, ADHD, aspergers, Autism, child abuse, dealing with hyperactive toddlers, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, parenting, strong willed child

It is interesting to go back nearly twenty years and in retelling my life story realize God’s hand in guiding me to the ministry I lead today. Who knew? I certainly had no idea when I was struggling with my toddler and had yet to scratch the surface of my own healing journey that He would implant in my heart the desire to help other survivors speak?

Redeemed Ch. 11 Blog Release

Thank you again for all of your responses and emails. I am grateful for your support and I’m honored REDEEMED is helping you to relate and heal as well.

Blessings

Shannon

A few disclaimers:
**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, obtains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**
Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.

Read the early part of Shannon’s healing journey in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him. Available on Amazon Audible, and only $1.99 on Kindle.

*NO MORE NEW HARD COPIES WILL BE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON…WE HAVE SOLD OUT EXCEPT FOR WHAT I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION.*

 

Buy your SIGNED COPY of Exposed at Jennika’s – A Bazaar Place at King’s Harbor!

Till It Happens To You

Tags

Abuse survivors, CBS interview with lady gaga, child abuse, date rape, diane warren, domestic violence, healing, healing after abuse, healing from rape, lady gaga, rape, songs about abuse, till it happens to you

I was sent a message this morning from a good friend who watched an interview with song-writer Diane Warren and Lady Gaga. It was about her performance of Diane Warren’s song “Till It Happens To You [You Won’t Know How I Feel]”

She said it reminded her of Hopeful Hearts Ministry. I read the article first:

http://CBS Interview with Lady Gaga

And then listened to the song. The words.

The words. Amen.

In the interview Lady Gaga confesses she didn’t ‘think about’ what had happened to her till she was in her late 20’s. My friends, there are many that don’t ‘think about’ what happened to them till their in their 40’s, 50’s, even 60’s.

And when it does come forward and you want to talk, you want to talk to someone who understands. Whether it’s date rape, child abuse, domestic violence, verbal and emotional abuse, no matter the form of abuse, until it happens to you, you don’t know how we feel but it’s important we know we are not alone in what we feel.

I thought about some survivors in particular that are struggling at this very moment with these memories as they champion through this healing process. I know this is their anthem at this time and I shed a tear for them. Because I know. I know.

His mercy is endless…his grace abundant. To those of you who ‘know’…never give up. We know how you feel and we know you can survive and thrive.

Blessings

Shannon

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REDEEMED Ch. 2 – To Have and To Hold

Tags

Books, books on marriage, child abuse, Faith, healing, healing after abuse, intimacy issues because of past abuse, marriage, Redeemed by Shannon M. Deitz, trusting God to lead your marriage

Thank you for all of the encouraging comments in regards to the book (so far)….I’d love for you to ask any questions or comment here to open a dialogue to help others who might be going through some of the same issues in marriage. My plan is to release a chapter every Monday evening.

Remember to click on this link:

Redeemed Ch. 2 Blog Release

And then click on the title again to open the chapter.

 

 

A few disclaimers:

**The author, Shannon M. Deitz, obtains all rights to REDEEMED, no portion of this story can be used or sold without the author’s written permission.**

Before REDEEMED was to go to print it had not yet made the ‘copy-editing’ phase…please excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.

Blessings

Shannon

If you are enjoying REDEEMED and have yet to read EXPOSED get your copy today on Amazon...available in print, e-book, and audio.

An Instrument of His Peace

Tags

Abuse survivors, being intentional for advent, child abuse, Faith, healing, inspiring movies, Mother Theresa, movies, Spotlight, The Letters

Yesterday I had a rare moment – time. Time that I could choose to do anything with that I wanted. A little voice nagged that I had a list of ‘to-do’s’ in my office that could stand my attention. But I reasoned they were a list of ‘extra’ ‘to do’ items that I keep going to make sure the ministry is advancing in every aspect God wills.

I did not feel called to get to that ‘to do’ list. Rather, I felt called to check out one of two movies. In a way, it was work. Depending on which movie I chose I would either be inspired to continue to follow God’s call or I’d be encouraged and validated in what God’s called me to do in an effort to help survivors of abuse heal.

The movies?  The Letters (True story of Mother Teresa) or Spotlight (True story of the Boston Globe’s breaking open the Catholic abuse scandal) You can click on either title to watch the movie trailer.

Both are important movies for me to see, for my own personal spirituality and for my call. In praying about it I chose to be true to my vow to be intentional this advent season and to find that inner joy. Spotlight would have to wait. I needed the encouragement of witnessing the life of a woman who took on a seemingly hopeless task, and succeeded even though the task is so large it remains.

I sat in a rather large theater alone. It was glorious!

Mother Teresa is an inspiration. Here are a few quotes that grabbed me from the movie:

“It’s God’s will, not mine. I will trust in God.” (When she had to leave the cloistered convent she’d been a part of for 16 years.)

“I’m not here to convert people to my faith, I just want to help in any way I can.” She said this to the Hindu people who lived in the slums.

“It’s God’s work, I’m just a pencil in His hands.”

Mother Teresa set up an abandoned Hindu temple given to her by the Municipality of India and created a place for the poor to die with dignity. When one such man was in her care he asked, “Why are you helping me? I’m Hindu.” And she replied, “Because I see Jesus in you. And because God loves you so I love you.”

Mother Teresa never wanted to be acknowledged for the work she was doing with the poor. She was merely ‘the pencil in His hand’…when she was awarded the Noble Peace Prize in 1979 she showed so she could bring awareness to the situation in India. In her speech she simply quoted the prayer of St. Francis:

It was a beautiful gift to witness the humanness of a saint in making. I’m grateful for whomever decided to put this movie together. It gave me encouragement, inspiration and most importantly, HOPE.

And it pushes me to get back to that extended ‘to do’ list… but only when I am not spending time with family for the holidays!!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Blessings

Shannon

It’s Your Choice to Be on the Journey to Heal

Tags

child abuse, choose healing, domestic abuse, healing, healing after abuse, holiday blues, holiday triggers, overcoming abuse, overcoming suffering, sexual abuse, sexual assault, suffering, surviving holidays

It is the Christmas holidays and I know so many of you are trying desperately to be in the season. Maybe this year being around family won’t cause an anxiety attack. Maybe this year rest and relaxation won’t seem as threatening as over obligation. Maybe this year the nightmares will stop stealing dreams. Maybe this year joy can be genuine rather than a glimmer of an unattainable feeling.

I know this because survivor after survivor have been in the office or on the phone sharing these very sentiments during this holiday season. Suffering can be debilitating. It has vices like shackles on the feet chained to fear and self-deprecation.

We cheat ourselves by believing the lie that there is no other truth to how a holiday season can be, that there can never be the joy longed for, the relaxation needed, or that others will still be happy even when we can’t fulfill their every need. Lies. Simple yet overpowering lies.

The only way to moving beyond the lies is making the choice to heal.

Thinking about this today I realized how much partaking on the journey to heal can be paralleled with the journey to sobriety for an addict. For an addict to conquer the demon of the addiction they have to make a personal choice to get the help needed. If they are forced, coerced, or convicted to go to rehab for others and not for themselves the likely hood that they’ll end up back in the addiction is nearly 90%.

iddscripturespremium.com

It is the same for survivors of abuse to find freedom in healing. True healing. Healing that leads to an inner JOY. And, yes, I’m referring to myself! Healing is a process. A journey. I made my choice to be done with lies years ago and I was healed. It worked but as with any addict who has finally kicked the habit they too have to remain on their journey to grow and ‘work the program’ so they don’t slip into a relapse.

Same with healing,  as I’ve matured, learned and grown in knowledge I’ve finally come to actual processes and programs that help release some of the vices that have held on tighter than others.

It all begins with that CHOICE. To finally being DONE with allowing the shame, memories, and debilitating fears keep you from freedom and the inner joy you were created to embrace.

There are 11 days left in Advent…in this time of ‘preparing’ for the coming of Jesus Christ. If you are still ‘shackled’ in the grips of suffering consider the greatest gift you can give yourself this Christmas. Say a  personal prayer every day from this day till Christmas for God to prepare your heart with the courage needed to make the choice to embrace the change healing brings.

If you want to discuss this more, I’d be honored to join you on your journey of healing. Email me at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com

Blessings

Shannon

Lead Me (Healing One Another)

Tags

child abuse, date rape, Faith, Finding God in Our Trials, healing, healing after rape, Jared Fogle, Lead Me Guide Me, overcoming abuse, rape, St. Paul prep school

I stood in the car dealership and listened to the news, Jared Fogle was agreeing to a plea deal for having been involved in child pornography and having sex with minors. CNN Report

My heart sank. I put my hand up to my eyes to rub out the threat of tears. I thought about those minors and what they’d experienced. He is to pay them $100,000 each. Really? Like that will make the years of confusion, anxiety, insecurity, shouldering HIS guilt and HIS shame, and uncertainty of who they are in worth just *POOF* go away????

Really?

When I made it home I turned on another news channel and listened to the young woman in the St. Paul’s Prep School rape case defend herself in court. NY Times Report

The disguised voice came across confident of her truth with a trade of uncertainty. Will anyone believe me? I know this because I have been that girl. When asked why she would respond to his emails and from all appearances make it seem like she was playing the same game she claimed it was because she didn’t want him to ‘come after her again’ and she didn’t want to become a target for ridicule at the school she still had 3 years to attend.

I get it. I never spoke of what happened with the first young man who raped me because we were friends who hung out in the same circle. Would any one believe me?

And with the second rapist in college I went back to him because he was such a force at the school. Everybody seemed to love him, to praise him, students and school staff alike. How could I ever be credible against him?

I get it. The sting of tears that threatened to erupt in the dealership now flowed freely in the comfort of my home. They weren’t tears for me…I’ve overcome the anxieties of this part of my past. These were tears for these young girls. 

I know what they are struggling with right now and I want to take that pain away from them. I know the path they’ll need to follow to find freedom from this part of their life and I know they’ll be stronger for it but I want to hold their hand along the way, maybe even give them a ride. If only I could.

An hour later my phone rang one ring and stopped. The fact my ringer was on was a miracle because I never have my ringer on. (Just ask Neal, it’s a pet peeve of his that I never get his calls because my phone is on vibrate!) I picked it up and called the number back thinking to myself “Why am I doing this? I’m sure it was a wrong number or misdial.”

A woman with a heavy proper English accent answered and stumbled with her words. At first I was uncertain if she meant to call me and finally she began to make sense. She needed information on my ministry.

Two hours later I hung up with the flesh on my arms still bristled with Holy Spirit goosebumps.

She was a woman in her sixties who had suffered through an unimaginable horror in Africa when she was younger. Once she was able to truly get her words together she began to lament about the 300 young women who had been stolen from their families in Nigeria.

She explained in detail the various horrors they were undoubtedly suffering (if they were not already gone) because she had lived through them herself. She wept for these young women and simply needed to speak it out loud.

In the end she let me know she had been holding on to my number for nearly three years. She had tried various times to call but would hang up before it rang just as she did today. When I called back she said she tried to lie and say it was a wrong number but God wouldn’t let her which is why her words were so jumbled.

She wants to see me. To share with me more of her story. She’s been to countless therapists in her life and yet she knows what she needs is to speak to someone who understands her pain.

I would have listened to her all day but she needed to get back to her life. She left me singing a hymn and asked me to look up the lyrics. I thought I’d leave you with it today:

 

Unknown – Lead Me Guide MeLead Me Guide Me Verse 1:

I AM WEAK AND I NEED THY STRENGTH AND POWER TO HELP ME O-VER MY WEAKEST HOUR LEAD ME THROUGH THE DARKNESS THY FACE TO SEE LEAD ME OH LORD LEAD ME

CHORUS LEAD ME, GUIDE ME, ALONG THE WAY FOR IF YOU LEAD ME I CANNOT NOT STRAY LORD LET ME WALK, EACH DAY WITH THEE LEAD ME OH LORD LEAD ME

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

VERSE 2: Help me tread in the paths of righteousness. Be my aid when Satan and sin oppress. I am putting all my trust in Thee: Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me. I am lost if you take your hand from me, I am blind without Thy light to see. Lord just always to me thy servant be, Lead me, oh Lord lead me.

Chorus

Lead me, guide me along the way, For if you lead me I cannot stray. Lord let me walk each day with Thee. Lead me, oh Lord lead me. Thank you for visiting AllGospelLyrics.com!

 

We are a support to one another…Christian to Christian…survivor to survivor… when you speak your truth you are healing another who knows your pain. 

Blessings

Shannon

Get your copy of Shannon’s Memoir EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle!

 

 

 

Or purchase a SIGNED COPY at Jennika’s at King’s Harbor in Kingwood where you can find the sterling silver Hopeful Hearts Charms.