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Just Show Up

~ An Abuse Survivor's Daily Rendering of God Showing Up In Her Life, How She Might Show Up or How She Misses the Mark

Just Show Up

Tag Archives: child abuse survivors

Shake It Off

05 Friday Aug 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

child abuse survivors, going from victim to survivor, healing after abuse, HEALING AFTER TRAUMA, making the most of your life, rape survivors, Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift has it right … shake it off! 😉 I had the best opportunity to shake it off this past weekend when I went with girlfriends to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. It came at the perfect time if you read my last post. Sometimes there is so much awful in this world that it threatens to suffocate my spirit and when it hits close to home, well, it just about sent me over the edge.

provided by quotes gram.com

provided by quotes gram.com

I am a survivor who listens to other survivors and in doing that I am often reminded of the hellacious journey I’ve been on in these past few years. When I went away I was able to put that aside for even the briefest of moments and connect with a part of me that I’m not sure I even realized was fathomable.

Every survivor wants to feel ‘normal’, not the broken one, and for a time I was able to and I enjoyed every second.

I needed this in so many ways for so many reasons and it has rejuvenated me, and most importantly invigorated me to continue to be that positive influence for other survivors to recognize that they can thrive and enjoy life.

 

Now it’s time to get back to life….back to reality. 😉 Does that take you back? I’ll see if I can’t find that song on YouTube and put it in at the bottom just for nostalgia sake.

Now I am in my reality and my heart aches for the survivors I’m working with most recently. Their main struggle is self worth and overcoming all of the ‘crazy’ triggers, insecurities, and emotions that erupt out of the blue. Every survivor I’ve spoken to this week has said, “I know I sound crazy.” or  “I’m sorry, I know I’m wasting your time.” or “This is hard.”

True StrengthYeah, it is hard. No doubt. Life in general without having suffered past trauma is hard. But working through the process, exposing all of the junk that has been left inside, and replacing it with positive affirmations is a must and it is hard because it literally feels like a full spiritual (and at times physical)rehaul. When you’ve gone 25, 35, 40 years feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘a screw up’ or ‘the cause of ___’ it is an internal makeover to replace the lies with the truth.

The key is making it your choice. Do you want to live a life of misery as a victim? Or do you want to recognize your ‘wildest dreams’ and live life in its richest form knowing happiness from within and embracing every moment of every second?

I know many times it doesn’t feel like a choice but it is. And a choice only YOU can make for YOU.

With God’s unfathomable love, accepting me for me, my mistakes and all, I choose to live and to thrive today. And I will choose this again tomorrow.

What about you?
Blessings

Shannon

“The Weakness of God is Stronger than Human Strength”

10 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

Believing God, child abuse survivors, Corinth, dispelling the lies of the enemy, encouragement, Faith, healing, healing for survivors, inspiration, knowing God's truth, Lent journey, overcoming abuse, survivors, survivors of abuse

** I know at times many of these posts get put out there but I felt as we are in the middle of Lent that this would be another great one to share to remind us of where the source of our strength comes from.**

_________________________

I’m still here.

Held up by God’s strength at times, but I rest knowing being close to Him is probably the best place I’ve been in a long, long time.

A fellow survivor wrote me after the last post and said, “You are being too hard on yourself.”

Possibly.

Since taking on this ministry I’ve gone from sharing my ‘experiences’ in God ‘showing up’ to feeling pulled to make sure what came from here was ‘inspirational’. The first was on my heart with no goal of even one person reading and the second, though also from my heart, morphed into writing for the proverbial ‘reader’ that would somehow share and bring more readers and more ‘likes’. Soon I was ‘advised’ to write on this topic, and that article and, though many I wanted to, there were times I didn’t.

be yourself mayou angelou

 

Devastated by loss. Disheartened by betrayal. Disillusioned in the meaning of Christianity. Was it a good time for me to be ‘ON AIR’?

I sat down to pray in the seconds before the interview. “Lord, let it be Your Word and not my own. I’m mad, angry, hurt and defeated now but I still know YOU will overcome in the end.”

I believed every word.

This prayer is what has held me up out of the raging seas and into His warm embrace.

It is hard to write when you don’t feel ‘inspired’. Therefore, being ‘inspirational’ turns into a feeling of insecurity and fans the flames of not feeling ‘good enough’. Lies of the enemy.

Last night in prayer I cried out to God and asked Him to let me know if I needed to ‘hang my hat’ maybe this isn’t for me after all. Am I really ‘inspiring’ anyone? Boohoo, right? Wha wha… whoa-es me.

Could I feel sorry for myself any more??

downpoor

At 6am I woke to check my emails and found an email from a survivor.  One line that made me put on my big girl panties this morning and realize God’s wisdom is greater than mine…even his weakness is greater than any strength I could muster.

“Your sharing of your story, your truth, was very powerful. I especially liked the part where you defended the (any) abused child by saying “it’s not right”  (to take away the voice of a child). That really hit home and I was moved by your honesty, courage, and willingness to stand up for and speak out on behalf of the abused child…This ministry that you are living and participating in is very, very powerful and important and needed.  I just want to thank you very much for doing what you are doing, for saying “yes” to this work, and for standing up for the abused child.”

I couldn’t (and certainly wouldn’t) make it up if I wanted. JUST SHOW UP…right??? HE SHOWS UP? We just need to LISTEN…and give ourselves a break. I AM A SURVIVOR. And when I get asked ‘how do you do it’? I need to remind myself and everyone else it is one moment, one day at a time. We CAN and will overcome but there might be moments we ‘fall’ into the ‘old habits’ of being a victim. The key is to allow God to catch you in his arms and NOT be so hard on yourself. Look…I’m still working on it.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1:20-24

As survivors the ONLY way we CAN continue to thrive and ENJOY life beyond our past is to be honest about where we are at in the moment, to seek help, good counsel, and rely on God’s strength. Practicing on a daily basis to recognize the lies of the enemy over the truth of His loving word and promise. This is how I ‘do’ it.

Blessings

Shannon

You Can’t Run and You Can’t Hide

14 Monday Dec 2015

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Tags

Abuse survivors, Believing God, child abuse survivors, finding true joy, God's love, healing, healing after abuse, healing journey, hiding from God, Knowing God's love, knowing Joy, your true joy

You can’t run or hide from God’s love. 

God is reaching in all areas of my life to show me in great detail that He loves me and He’d really like me to simply accept it without inserting my human exceptions. “He loves me only when I…” or “He must not love me as much now, not when I feel this way.” or “He can’t possibly love me when I’ve…” or “Why do I deserve his love?”, and I can add many more ‘exceptions’ that I’ve listened to instead of simply receiving His love.

hiding from GodI wasn’t even aware that I made these exceptions. I’ve known God’s love. I’ve felt His intentions and blessings any given day and I have learned how important internal dialogue can be to cipher between the ‘lies’ we hear and the ‘truth’.

It wasn’t until I began to look into going deeper in my human relationships, especially with my husband and children, that I realized how much I failed to see God’s love through the ones I love.

I went to reconciliation last week and made a comment that I needed to find my true Joy again. That somewhere along the way I lost the ability to accept true Joy. Meaning, if I receive or achieve an accomplishment of some sort I refuse the Joy that comes along with it because I have somehow convinced myself that a certain level of Joy is not for me to ever experience.

Sounds kind of sad, right? I mean, why shouldn’t I accept Joy when it’s specifically mine to receive?

What I’ve found is that I can’t receive that Joy because I’ve not fully allowed myself to acknowledge God’s true, sincere, unconditional love for me. If I can’t receive HIS love then how could I possibly receive it from others fully, or Joy from an accomplishment or achievement?

My ‘penance’ after reconciliation was to sit in prayer and ask God to tell me how I could be open to receive His love. My answer:

“Neal [my husband] looks at you the way I do.”

perfect loveThere have been many moments lost in our 20+ years together that I refused to accept the love that came from Neal because of this very issue…the inability to feel as if I ‘deserved’ it. Just another level of healing to uncover and conquer!

And then four days later I went to the Mother/ Son Mass for the Immaculate Conception with my boys at St. Thomas. Cardinal DiNardo presided and gave the most moving homily. He began with the first reading, which was Genesis and the story of Adam and Eve. He explained how we were a ‘wounded’ people that immediately felt because of this ‘wound’ we needed to ‘hide from God’. He said clearly, “Don’t run from Him. We are a wounded mess elevated by the grace and salvation of Christ.”

I wish I could give his entire Homily but I only honed this message because it was validating the message I’d received through Reconciliation. He is loud and clear when we choose to listen! 😉

Finally, Cardinal DiNardo in saying a few words about Pope Francis’ introduction into our Jubilee Year of Mercy, he said, “Walking through the door of mercy is walking through the door of acceptance.“

Could God be any LOUDER???? :)

2016 is a Year of Mercy and I will focus my year, blogs, efforts, etc on accepting this mercy, and extending this mercy. If you relate to anything I’ve shared today please consider joining me in this continued walk on our journey of healing.

Blessings

Shannon

BTW, I had the cancer removed this morning…it looks like I’ve been stabbed in the back. What story can I make up about this??? Hm…. 😉  I know it’s gross but I’ll share the picture any way…maybe it’ll convince you to put on your sunscreen.

IMG_7951

Confessions of an Incest and Date Rape Survivor (Healing in Acknowledging the Ugly Truth)

23 Wednesday Sep 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

Abuse survivors, child abuse survivors, date rape, DMV, domestic abuse, Domestic Violence Awareness, healing, healing after abuse, incest survivors, overcoming anger, trusting again

I don’t want to be ‘defined’ consistently as an incest and date rape survivor. Not that I’m ashamed.

Do. Not. Mistake. This. For. Shame.

The shame is not mine. Why should anyone be ashamed for what has been done to them with complete disregard for their well-being?

No, this is not about shame.

I don’t want to have every emotion, or lack there of, to be because of what had once been done to me. But the ugly truth is – it does.

It’s like when someone gets diagnosed with breast cancer, they go through the chemo, fight the good fight, get a clear reading and then 4 years later get cancer in the brain. It’s not brain cancer. It’s still breast cancer. Breast cancer that has come back and spread to the brain.

quotes about healingWe can heal from the effects of abuse. Absolutely. We can live normal lives. We can thrive. We can be happy, healthy, God-fearing upstanding men and women in our communities and yet the underlying effects of abuse remain in the thread of our being.

I consider myself confident, self-secure and aware in most areas of my life. However, I am insecure in my marriage and lack the ability to accept unconditional love.

Sounds crazy right? Well, maybe for those who have never been abused in such a way that obliterated the ability to trust completely which hinders intimacy on all levels.

I desire attention and affection but subconsciously run and hide when I receive it. I push away. Cause fights. Listen to the enemies lies so I can feel ‘comfortable’ in a state of internal chaos.

My soul cries out, “Choose me!” “Pick me!” and “Tell me I’m enough.”  But when I’m chosen, picked, and praised I question it. “Do you?”, “Am I really?”

Plagued with feeling selfish I internalize a battle of wills ‘not wanting to’ and then ‘overdoing’ because I have to make others happy – because it is that ‘effect’ (aka: cancer) that lays dormant inside – what I want doesn’t matter.

I find it hard to cry or feel in the most tragic situations. I laugh at the most inappropriate times.

you are wonderfully madeYes, this is me inside out.

Often when I struggle with the return of this ‘cancer’ it is not always accompanied by a trigger or memory to make me aware, “Hey! This is a dormant effect caused by the abuse that seeped into the delicate lining of your emotional make-up.”

No. Too often we survivors of abuse go through all of these crazy emotional roller-coasters feeling like we are losing it because we’ve worked so hard at overcoming and forgiving the moment(s) of abuse.

The key is in acknowledging our feelings on all levels, at all times, and learning to express them so little by little we can ‘treat’ the affected area appropriately.

I know there are many out there who could be reading this thinking, “Seriously? Why can’t you just get over it?” Now, typically (just typically not 100%) men tend to lean more on the ‘compartmentalized and get over it’ side of ‘dealing with it’ which could be why we hear less from male survivors than female survivors. Yet, I will say I have met a good number of men whom I am very proud of that have stepped forward and acknowledged ‘this happened to me and it still affects me’, and they get help to better themselves.

Abuse is ugly. Overcoming abuse (in all forms, sexual, physical, emotional/mental) and remaining a thriving, healing journey is complicated but absolutely doable. 

Never ever give up because you are worth it!

Never EVER Give up

I would remise if I failed to acknowledge and thank the man in my life who has lived through my crazy (which led him to ‘crazy’ :D) for 22+ years. Thank you Neal! We are both a piece of work but together we can make a masterpiece. (It might look like Picasso…. but still…)

If you are a survivor of abuse and have yet to speak of it or seek help I strongly encourage you to reach out to someone close and tell them your story. If you don’t feel you have a family member, spouse, pastor, priest or friend you can trust please reach out to us. We want to listen and we want to help you on your healing journey.  hopefulhearts333@gmail.com

Blessings

Shannon

Exposed_cover_onlyGet your copy of Shannon Deitz’s personal story, EXPOSED for only $1.99 on Kindle.

 

 

 

JennikasIf you live in the Kingwood area get your SIGNED copy of EXPOSED and the Hopeful Hearts Charms at Jennika’s on Kings Harbor

 

 

 

Event-save-the-dateClick HERE to get your tickets to the 2016 Gala!

Human Nature isn’t Always the Answer (A Conversation with my Mother)

15 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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child abuse, child abuse survivors, Child Sexual Assault Survivors, CSA, Duggar family, Duggars, family secrets, healing after abuse, healing after rape, incest survivors, overcoming hardship

** It is June 15, 2015 and God’s given me a surprise gift. I was asked last minute to chaperone the high school Shine Work Camp that Seth will be attending. When I looked at my calendar to see if it was possible and what I’d need to rearrange I found that I was open. Which is not usually the case and tells me this IS God’s doing. I’d been praying how I needed a spiritual renewal, a swift kick in the tush to remember WHO is in charge! 😉 And, well, serving His people in this way (which, by the way, I am not the best at being in the hot Texas sun painting, doing yard work, etc) seems to be exactly what I need to get out of my comfort zone and looking straight at Him. Plus, I’ll take any time I can to spend with my son! 😀  This week I will revisit a few more posts I’d written in the past years and try to sum up the following week how God ‘showed up’ while I was gone.

Today we will begin with the gift I had in finally having the courage to ask my mom the question that plagued my healing process – why? **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is a morning ritual in Colorado to sit out on the deck, marvel at the simplicity of nature as dozens (yes, not an exaggeration) dozens of hummingbirds zip to and fro inches from my face battling for a spot at the feeder.

They were not afraid of us that's for sure.

They twitter to converse and bleak to demand for a spot often pushing one off it’s perch to gain territory. It is the beat of their wings that creates the ‘hum’ that is given to their name.

Cade seemed to be the 'bird whisperer'...I'd never seen a hummingbird remain that still for so long.

I’m watching as I write this and I realize there is an alpha (going on a prejudice hunch I’ll say ‘male’…though it very well could be a dominant female ;)) that is literally guarding the feeder and as other hummingbirds try to gain access to a perch he dive bombs them, swooping in and knocking them off scaring them away.

Jerk.

I try to swat at him but those suckers are fast! 😉

It is amazing to witness nature unfold and carry on regardless if I was here to exert my own dominance on that creature. He’ll be back. It’s in this one particular hummingbird’s nature and regardless if I’m here or not he’ll continue to be territorial over the sugar water we provide. Here is a video of the hummingbirds:

trim.F439BC91-DA2A-4CB0-BB7C-3521F9266377

Makes me think of the phrase ‘human nature’. How often do we do things that we brush aside as ‘human nature’. It’s human nature to react or respond a certain way. If it’s human nature then it is okay that we reacted or responded a certain way.

Have you noticed that more and more it’s ‘human nature’ to ignore the uncomfortable? To ignore the evil in this world because it seems to be against our nature to confront. It is against human nature to accept such evil can exist so we try to reason it away.

While on vacation at my family’s cabin I was finally gifted with a conversation I’ve been wanting to have with my mother ever since memories of my grandfather molesting me came to the forefront. I’ve asked her permission to share this with you and being she is a survivor too, one that wants to help others, she consented.

First one bit of my mother’s truth, one that I briefly discuss in EXPOSED but don’t delve into because it is her story, her truth, one for her to tell in its entirety when she’s ready (or gives me permission to write one day. 😉 ). My mother is the oldest of 5, the only girl with 4 brothers to take care of and keep her strong.

Her earliest memory of her father molesting her was in the crib. Simply put he did not leave her alone from when she was 2 years old to the age of 10. Stopping because her cycle started early (a gift from God as she’s always claimed it to be.)

He was a man whom everyone adored. Funny, good looking, personable. His son’s longed to be like him. No one knowing the evil that resonated within him. To survive my mom buried it all deep, so deep she didn’t remember until she was in her 20’s. Even then she felt it could have only happened to her. Why would he do it to any one else? Why would he do it period? It’s against human nature.

We grew up knowing my grandfather, the good and evil. We only saw him once or twice a year but any opportunity for a perpetrator is one taken.

When I told my mother how the memories came back in a rush her response was not what I’d desired. I needed her to be as devastated for me as I was for myself. Instead I heard, “I figured that might be the case.” Granted she did say she was sorry for ever putting me and my sisters in a position to be near him, hence hurt by him. But I needed more.

image

We went for a walk and I told her how it made me feel, the matter of fact acceptance of the abuse. “I needed to feel your devastation to know I mattered.”

She turned to me with tears snaking their way down her cheeks. “I’m not only devastated I’m mortified. It kills me inside to know I put you and your sisters in that position. I don’t know why I thought we had the visits under control. You just don’t want to believe that evil exists even when it’s happened to you.”

We spoke of forgiveness, forgiveness of ourselves, my forgiveness of her. I forgive her. I love her. I don’t even blame her or my father. As crazy as it sounds it is human nature to want to see the good and deny the evil in the world.

I’m grateful God gave us the moment, and me the courage, to talk about our mutual survival of the evil by done by this sick individual. I wasn’t going to allow the anger and hurt I felt inside toward my parents or him eat me alive.

When we hold the anger in and choose not to confront or ‘expose’ it by talking we are only poisoning ourselves.

Mom and I get the opportunity to travel together in October, supposedly to the Holy Land if it is safe. As we walked back to the cabin we vowed to have many more conversations. To get to know one another and help one another thrive.

Sometimes we are called to go against human nature in order to create peace and balance in our world. I encourage you, if you have a grievance with someone don’t hide from the confrontation. Pray about it and then talk about it. It just might be healing for both.

Blessings
Shannon

Exposed_cover_only Read more about Shannon’s story in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him only for $1.99 on Kindle and be encouraged in your own journey!

Sibling Incest Survivor Speaks Out on Duggars (Healing in Her Voice)

05 Friday Jun 2015

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

abuse, Abuse survivors, child abuse survivors, Duggar family, Duggar interview, Duggar victims, Duggars, having a voice, healing after abuse, healing from abuse, incest survivors, Josh Duggar, overcoming abuse, sibling incest

The Duggar family abuse story has stirred up a hornets nest of varying emotions and controversies from all ages, genders, religious and political affiliations. What matters to me most is the survivors of the abuse.

Admittedly I have not seen the entire Fox News interview with Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar or with their daughters, two of the victims who voluntarily admitted the abuse happened to them. I am traveling with my husband and have tried to remain true to being ‘internet free’ but I received a message yesterday from a sibling incest survivor that deserves to be heard by many.

Hopeful Hearts Ministry is about giving a VOICE to survivors of abuse and it is my pleasure to share this VOICE with all of you. I referenced the horrific abuse of this young woman in my last article on the Duggars. What is to follow is her personal commentary and her opinion. She wanted to share not only to be heard but to help others who might be feeling the same as she.

speak life quote

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

…I rarely watch the news, or even read the court news as I don’t want to hear about abuse cases. Not because I don’t care, it’s because I do care and I can relate. I looked at my Facebook before work and saw once again the news feed was raging with more articles about the Duggar case. I was drawn to read it. I started to skim through it.

All my life I felt lesser of a family member. It didn’t matter how good of a child I was in school, how kind hearted, etc. I was always the one to blame no matter how small or great the deed. I always felt the reason I was being abused was because I must be this bad child. I know a lot of kids have sibling rivalry, like fighting over the remote or the last cupcake, staying up late etc. When the sibling crosses the line and hurt another in any way its wrong…..

So as I read quickly through the latest news article, something inside of me flared up. Here was a mother and father who were aware of the abuse, and who knew it had not stopped but thought more of the son than the girls lives he was ruining. So I took a breath and kept reading. I wasn’t shocked but sickened by what I read next. The parents gave excuses for the abuser…’oh sometimes the victims were clothed’ or ‘oh they were asleep or weren’t old enough to understand.’ Well I thought I was going to scream!

I am 37 years old and I can recall the first time he hurt me. I was about three, and for being asleep or clothed, when did that make abuse not abuse? I would love to know where these people got their facts. Ask any victim of sexual abuse what the impact has been on their lives because of the actions of another brother. I’m sure the impact has and is a great one in their lives and not in a positive way.

I always have and still do feel lesser of a family member just because my abuse wasn’t stopped but hidden, put under the rug. I was treated like the bad person while he was treated like gold. I don’t want other victims of abuse, especially those at the hands of family, to feel the same way. It is not your fault nor has it ever been. Anyone that tells you it is are the ones with the problem and in denial. To be honest I have been struggling with my past and have not disclosed. After reading this article I feel drawn to speak to others and let them know it is not our pain and shame anymore. We need to fight and put it back where it belongs to the abuser.

What bothers me most about the whole situation is the disregard for the victims mental health,or lives for that matter.Then to hear two of his sisters speak out saying they don’t consider him as a child molester….well then what the frig is he? It is not normal or right for a brother to touch a sister in that way with or without clothes on!! Asleep, awake, doesn’t make a difference. And to have had to tell his parents three times? Three times…just goes to show they have shown no regard for these victims and that hurts my heart. I know what these girls are doing because I’ve been there. They’ve been brainwashed to feel the bad person, or that if it ‘hurt them’ to get over it. Breaks my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But for God's grace

Obviously we can’t speak for these young women who are Josh Duggar’s siblings and victims. I do agree that the family is not helping the situation when they ‘speak out’ because I have yet to hear them back up the victims…I’m hearing a lot of backing and excuses for the brother/son. I can’t imagine the pain that is pulsating on all sides in this family. Being an incest survivor by the hands of my own grandfather I understand that desire to want to wish it away, the inability to look at this person who is on all outward accounts ‘normal’, loved, well-liked, etc. and then to associate them with such evil. Even as the victim I found that difficult because it doesn’t compute.

This topic is difficult because there are so many facets to reveal that abuse has kept covered. As I’ve said before God brings a greater good from every situation and I’m certain He will use this to help dig up the deepest darkest secrets of abuse and bring healing and hope to the world of victims.

Blessings

Shannon

The Weakness of God is Stronger than Human Strength – (Corinth)

12 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

child abuse survivors, Corinth, encouragement, Faith, healing, healing for survivors, inspiration, overcoming abuse, survivors, survivors of abuse

I’m still here.

Held up by God’s strength at times, but I rest knowing being close to Him is probably the best place I’ve been in a long, long time.

A fellow survivor wrote me after the last post and said, “You are being too hard on yourself.”

Possibly.

Since taking on this ministry I’ve gone from sharing my ‘experiences’ in God ‘showing up’ to feeling pulled to make sure what came from here was ‘inspirational’. The first was on my heart with no goal of even one person reading and the second, though also from my heart, morphed into writing for the proverbial ‘reader’ that would somehow share and bring more readers and more ‘likes’. Soon I was ‘advised’ to write on this topic, and that article and, though many I wanted to, there were times I didn’t.

be yourself mayou angelou

In these past few weeks there have been many articles and news topics I could’ve and possibly should’ve written about:

Bill Cosby  – REALLY? What more can I say that perpetrators do NOT look like monsters and most often they are the LAST person you’d expect. But we’ll continue to here news such as the ‘every day’ father like BILL COSBY who has allegedly (cough) assaulted women for decades and be surprised?? KOODOS to the first woman who came forward and to the subsequent women who have put their reputations on the line. Survivors like me KNOW why you remained silent. But no more. Today you found your VOICE.  My APPLUASE to you. You have my heart and prayers.

Funny…I didn’t want to write about that and now I’m fired up. The fire in me to fight ‘this’ (the issue of abuse) will never subside…rather it’ll spread and burn.

Or how about the Rolling Stones article on the UVA Rape scene? I was called to do a radio interview about that article the day after David’s funeral. I didn’t even know it had gone out. Quickly I read through the multi-paged article and became enraged. I had only a few minutes before the producer called and put me on air.  (Here is an ‘open letter’ from a survivor to the woman who wrote the article…for survivors in particular it is a MUST READ…bravo!)

Devastated by loss. Disheartened by betrayal. Disillusioned in the meaning of Christianity. Was it a good time for me to be ‘ON AIR’?

I sat down to pray in the seconds before the interview. “Lord, let it be Your Word and not my own. I’m mad, angry, hurt and defeated now but I still know YOU will overcome in the end.”

I believed every word.

This prayer is what has held me up out of the raging seas and into His warm embrace.

It is hard to write when you don’t feel ‘inspired’. Therefore, being ‘inspirational’ turns into a feeling of insecurity and fans the flames of not feeling ‘good enough’.

Last night in prayer I cried out to God and asked Him to let me know if I needed to ‘hang my hat’ maybe this isn’t for me after all. Am I really ‘inspiring’ anyone? Boohoo, right? Wha wha… whoa-es me.

Could I feel sorry for myself any more?? :(

downpoor

At 6am I woke to check my emails and found an email from a survivor.  One line that made me put on my big girl panties this morning and realize God’s wisdom is greater than mine…even his weakness is greater than any strength I could muster.

“Your sharing of your story, your truth, was very powerful. I especially liked the part where you defended the (any) abused child by saying “it’s not right”  (to take away the voice of a child). That really hit home and I was moved by your honesty, courage, and willingness to stand up for and speak out on behalf of the abused child…This ministry that you are living and participating in is very, very powerful and important and needed.  I just want to thank you very much for doing what you are doing, for saying “yes” to this work, and for standing up for the abused child.”

I couldn’t (and certainly wouldn’t) make it up if I wanted. JUST SHOW UP…right??? HE SHOWS UP? We just need to LISTEN…and give ourselves a break. I AM A SURVIVOR. And when I get asked ‘how do you do it’? I need to remind myself and everyone else it is one moment, one day at a time. We CAN and will overcome but there might be moments we ‘fall’ into the ‘old habits’ of being a victim. The key is to allow God to catch you in his arms and NOT be so hard on yourself. Look…I’m still working on it. ;)

I wanted to post the FINAL pictures from my trip with my mother and parish to the Holy Land…though it was taken two months ago the experience remains in my heart. Our final trip was to Corinth…where Paul spoke to the Corinthians.

Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22 Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. 1 Corinthians 1:20-24 

Corinth ...rainy day in the ruins.

 

A Mass none of us will ever forget. One that taught us the love of our shepherd.

A celebration of family.

As survivors the ONLY way we CAN continue to thrive and ENJOY life beyond our past is to be honest about where we are at in the moment, to seek help, good counsel, and rely on God’s strength. This is how I ‘do’ it. ;)

Blessings

Shannon

What ELSE is inside of you?

12 Tuesday Aug 2014

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

child abuse survivors, Child Sexual Assault Survivors, CSA, Faith, healing after abuse, healing after rape, inspiration, rape survivors

“If you weren’t telling your story and helping women all over the world what else would you be doing? What else is inside you?”

This question greeted me in an email from a reader/survivor and struck me like a slap on the chest. It awakened a sense of wonder that hibernates precariously beneath the blanket of who I’ve always been.

Do you ever wonder, “If I didn’t do this, weren’t that, etc what would I be doing?” Would “I” be different?

These types of questions tantalize the writer in me because I can always escape ‘into my head’ …but there are moments when it’s not safe to be ‘in my head’. ;)

But this woman’s question hit me because I’ve wondered that myself…what else is inside me? In reality it is the very statement I strive to guide survivors to – what is inside of them that does not have anything to do with the abuse. To focus on who they are outside of the abuse. The gifts that exist not because of the abuse but because of who they are and who God created them to be.

ephesians 2 10

We are more than what happened to us. We are mothers, wives, doctors, artists, politicians, lawyers, designers, engineers, singers, song-writers, poets, authors, teachers and so so much more.

My initial response was this:

It’s funny you should ask me THAT question today. I think about that a lot. WHO AM I if not for doing what I do right now?
As long as I’ve been strong enough to want to live ( I mean REALLY live) I’d say since the moment I went to confession when I was 19 and told the priest everything….. I’ve been wanting to help others NOT suffer the way I felt I had ( and was).
The MOST joy I receive is speaking in front of groups. Working with women like you. And receiving some feedback that maybe, just maybe, I led them to a brighter light in their existence.
But still I get JUST as angry at all the evil. Sometimes it’s so much and he (the enemy) gets to me. But thankfully God prevails. Always
But there are moments I wonder “What would my life look like if I didn’t do what I do?”
I’ll never know. Because I can’t EXIST knowing what I do and NOT trying to bring others to recognize their TRUE WORTH.
Because every time I do it tears the enemy apart. ;)
~~~~~
Now I’ll admit that once I answered I dipped my toe into the pool of wonder and contemplated the question deeper. In that moment Neal came in and made the comment “Let’s just go run away for awhile.” This brought tears to my eyes. How well does he know me?
I laughed and chimed in, “Let’s take the kids and run off to Europe or Costa Rica or something. Sell everything and do something different.” (Yes, I watch HGTV’s International House Hunters a little too much.)
“Now you’re talking. But I was just thinking for like a week or two but hey, forever. Okay.” He laughed.
I cried. I don’t know why but I cried. He didn’t notice.
Five minutes later he came in the room with his phone and read me an article from the Huffington Post, “5 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex with Your Husband Every Night.”

Cartoon from instanthumor.com  Forgive me...couldn't resist... LOL

I stared at him. Really?
And then I had to laugh. I guess I was asking for a way to ‘do life different’…didn’t need that specific of an answer though. ;)
We are complicated creatures which is the beauty of who we are. We are not defined by one instance, one person, one action or one tragedy. We are a beautifully woven tapestry of gifts, talents, experiences, thoughts and feelings that is still in progress.
May you realize what ‘else’ that is inside of you is recognized at your bidding.
Blessings
Shannon

 

Human Nature – Isnt’ always the answer (The Conversation I had with my mom about our perpetrator.)

03 Sunday Aug 2014

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Blog

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Tags

child abuse, child abuse survivors, Child Sexual Assault Survivors, CSA, healing after abuse, incest survivors

It is a morning ritual in Colorado to sit out on the deck, marvel at the simplicity of nature as dozens (yes, not an exaggeration) dozens of hummingbirds zip to and fro inches from my face battling for a spot at the feeder.

They were not afraid of us that's for sure.

They twitter to converse and bleak to demand for a spot often pushing one off it’s perch to gain territory. It is the beat of their wings that creates the ‘hum’ that is given to their name.

Cade seemed to be the 'bird whisperer'...I'd never seen a hummingbird remain that still for so long.

I’m watching as I write this and I realize there is an alpha (going on a prejudice hunch I’ll say ‘male’…though it very well could be a dominant female ;)) that is literally guarding the feeder and as other hummingbirds try to gain access to a perch he dive bombs them, swooping in and knocking them off scaring them away.

Jerk.

I try to swat at him but those suckers are fast! ;)

It is amazing to witness nature unfold and carry on regardless if I was here to exert my own dominance on that creature. He’ll be back. It’s in this one particular hummingbird’s nature and regardless if I’m here or not he’ll continue to be territorial over the sugar water we provide. Here is a video of the hummingbirds:

trim.F439BC91-DA2A-4CB0-BB7C-3521F9266377

Makes me think of the phrase ‘human nature’. How often do we do things that we brush aside as ‘human nature’. It’s human nature to react or respond a certain way. If it’s human nature then it is okay that we reacted or responded a certain way.

Have you noticed that more and more it’s ‘human nature’ to ignore the uncomfortable? To ignore the evil in this world because it seems to be against our nature to confront. It is against human nature to accept such evil can exist so we try to reason it away.

While on vacation at my family’s cabin I was finally gifted with a conversation I’ve been wanting to have with my mother ever since memories of my grandfather molesting me came to the forefront. I’ve asked her permission to share this with you and being she is a survivor too, one that wants to help others, she consented.

First one bit of my mother’s truth, one that I briefly discuss in EXPOSED but don’t delve into because it is her story, her truth, one for her to tell in its entirety when she’s ready (or gives me permission to write one day. ;) ). My mother is the oldest of 5, the only girl with 4 brothers to take care of and keep her strong.

Her earliest memory of her father molesting her was in the crib. Simply put he did not leave her alone from when she was 2 years old to the age of 10. Stopping because her cycle started early (a gift from God as she’s always claimed it to be.)

He was a man whom everyone adored. Funny, good looking, personable. His son’s longed to be like him. No one knowing the evil that resonated within him. To survive my mom buried it all deep, so deep she didn’t remember until she was in her 20′s. Even then she felt it could have only happened to her. Why would he do it to any one else? Why would he do it period? It’s against human nature.

We grew up knowing my grandfather, the good and evil. We only saw him once or twice a year but any opportunity for a perpetrator is one taken.

When I told my mother how the memories came back in a rush her response was not what I’d desired. I needed her to be as devastated for me as I was for myself. Instead I heard, “I figured that might be the case.” Granted she did say she was sorry for ever putting me and my sisters in a position to be near him, hence hurt by him. But I needed more.

image

We went for a walk and I told her how it made me feel, the matter of fact acceptance of the abuse. “I needed to feel your devastation to know I mattered.”

She turned to me with tears snaking their way down her cheeks. “I’m not only devastated I’m mortified. It kills me inside to know I put you and your sisters in that position. I don’t know why I thought we had the visits under control. You just don’t want to believe that evil exists even when it’s happened to you.”

We spoke of forgiveness, forgiveness of ourselves, my forgiveness of her. I forgive her. I love her. I don’t even blame her or my father. As crazy as it sounds it is human nature to want to see the good and deny the evil in the world.

I’m grateful God gave us the moment, and me the courage, to talk about our mutual survival of the evil by done by this sick individual. I wasn’t going to allow the anger and hurt I felt inside toward my parents or him eat me alive.

When we hold the anger in and choose not to confront or ‘expose’ it by talking we are only poisoning ourselves.

Mom and I get the opportunity to travel together in October, supposedly to the Holy Land if it is safe. As we walked back to the cabin we vowed to have many more conversations. To get to know one another and help one another thrive.

Sometimes we are called to go against human nature in order to create peace and balance in our world. I encourage you, if you have a grievance with someone don’t hide from the confrontation. Pray about it and then talk about it. It just might be healing for both.

Blessings
Shannon

Going Public – 12 Week Challenge (Getting Stronger!) 7 weeks down…

20 Sunday Jul 2014

Posted by hopefulheartsministry in Uncategorized

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Tags

Abuse survivors, body for life, child abuse survivors, don't compare, Faith, fitness challenge, getting stronger, inspiration, personal challenge, social media

Seven weeks down and I feel stronger. ;)

Okay so I just spent the last two weeks struggling to maintain while I went on my 18th anniversary trip and then to Mexico.  I managed to not gain which is a success in my book! And I still feel strong!

This challenge has turned into much more than a physical or weight challenge. The reason why I began was to force myself to override the self-destructive thought process that inevitably takes me down and prevents me from crossing the line from a mediocre existence to vibrant living.

 

7 weeks difference. I get weighed and measured next week so I'll give the 8 week results then.

I realize my body is created a certain way and I might never have a flat stomach. And that is now, finally, finally I accept it, it is now OKAY. ;) I feel strong and I feel good about me and that is all that matters.

Appreciating our uniqueness is what matters.  Putting a stop to our degrading internal dialogue is a must.

Here is a quick “Just Show Up Moment” on being YOU with no comparison to others.

My heart is filled with pride for the survivors I’ve been working with on their own ‘personal challenges’. They’ve shown remarkable resilience and determination to live the life God intended for them and their families. We are not meant to give in and lay down to the evil working malevolence of the enemy.

If you have been following this challenge and are considering what you ‘wish’ you could overcome … I implore you to begin now. It takes your ‘yes’ and one day at a time. You are stronger than you realize.

I’d love to walk with you along the way. Contact me and let me know how I can help.

Blessings

Shannon

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