** It is June 15, 2015 and God’s given me a surprise gift. I was asked last minute to chaperone the high school Shine Work Camp that Seth will be attending. When I looked at my calendar to see if it was possible and what I’d need to rearrange I found that I was open. Which is not usually the case and tells me this IS God’s doing. I’d been praying how I needed a spiritual renewal, a swift kick in the tush to remember WHO is in charge! 
And, well, serving His people in this way (which, by the way, I am not the best at being in the hot Texas sun painting, doing yard work, etc) seems to be exactly what I need to get out of my comfort zone and looking straight at Him. Plus, I’ll take any time I can to spend with my son! 
This week I will revisit a few more posts I’d written in the past years and try to sum up the following week how God ‘showed up’ while I was gone.
Today we will begin with the gift I had in finally having the courage to ask my mom the question that plagued my healing process – why? **
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It is a morning ritual in Colorado to sit out on the deck, marvel at the simplicity of nature as dozens (yes, not an exaggeration) dozens of hummingbirds zip to and fro inches from my face battling for a spot at the feeder.
They twitter to converse and bleak to demand for a spot often pushing one off it’s perch to gain territory. It is the beat of their wings that creates the ‘hum’ that is given to their name.
I’m watching as I write this and I realize there is an alpha (going on a prejudice hunch I’ll say ‘male’…though it very well could be a dominant female ;)) that is literally guarding the feeder and as other hummingbirds try to gain access to a perch he dive bombs them, swooping in and knocking them off scaring them away.
Jerk.
I try to swat at him but those suckers are fast!
It is amazing to witness nature unfold and carry on regardless if I was here to exert my own dominance on that creature. He’ll be back. It’s in this one particular hummingbird’s nature and regardless if I’m here or not he’ll continue to be territorial over the sugar water we provide. Here is a video of the hummingbirds:
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Makes me think of the phrase ‘human nature’. How often do we do things that we brush aside as ‘human nature’. It’s human nature to react or respond a certain way. If it’s human nature then it is okay that we reacted or responded a certain way.
Have you noticed that more and more it’s ‘human nature’ to ignore the uncomfortable? To ignore the evil in this world because it seems to be against our nature to confront. It is against human nature to accept such evil can exist so we try to reason it away.
While on vacation at my family’s cabin I was finally gifted with a conversation I’ve been wanting to have with my mother ever since memories of my grandfather molesting me came to the forefront. I’ve asked her permission to share this with you and being she is a survivor too, one that wants to help others, she consented.
First one bit of my mother’s truth, one that I briefly discuss in EXPOSED but don’t delve into because it is her story, her truth, one for her to tell in its entirety when she’s ready (or gives me permission to write one day. ). My mother is the oldest of 5, the only girl with 4 brothers to take care of and keep her strong.
Her earliest memory of her father molesting her was in the crib. Simply put he did not leave her alone from when she was 2 years old to the age of 10. Stopping because her cycle started early (a gift from God as she’s always claimed it to be.)
He was a man whom everyone adored. Funny, good looking, personable. His son’s longed to be like him. No one knowing the evil that resonated within him. To survive my mom buried it all deep, so deep she didn’t remember until she was in her 20’s. Even then she felt it could have only happened to her. Why would he do it to any one else? Why would he do it period? It’s against human nature.
We grew up knowing my grandfather, the good and evil. We only saw him once or twice a year but any opportunity for a perpetrator is one taken.
When I told my mother how the memories came back in a rush her response was not what I’d desired. I needed her to be as devastated for me as I was for myself. Instead I heard, “I figured that might be the case.” Granted she did say she was sorry for ever putting me and my sisters in a position to be near him, hence hurt by him. But I needed more.
We went for a walk and I told her how it made me feel, the matter of fact acceptance of the abuse. “I needed to feel your devastation to know I mattered.”
She turned to me with tears snaking their way down her cheeks. “I’m not only devastated I’m mortified. It kills me inside to know I put you and your sisters in that position. I don’t know why I thought we had the visits under control. You just don’t want to believe that evil exists even when it’s happened to you.”
We spoke of forgiveness, forgiveness of ourselves, my forgiveness of her. I forgive her. I love her. I don’t even blame her or my father. As crazy as it sounds it is human nature to want to see the good and deny the evil in the world.
I’m grateful God gave us the moment, and me the courage, to talk about our mutual survival of the evil by done by this sick individual. I wasn’t going to allow the anger and hurt I felt inside toward my parents or him eat me alive.
When we hold the anger in and choose not to confront or ‘expose’ it by talking we are only poisoning ourselves.
Mom and I get the opportunity to travel together in October, supposedly to the Holy Land if it is safe. As we walked back to the cabin we vowed to have many more conversations. To get to know one another and help one another thrive.
Sometimes we are called to go against human nature in order to create peace and balance in our world. I encourage you, if you have a grievance with someone don’t hide from the confrontation. Pray about it and then talk about it. It just might be healing for both.
Blessings
Shannon
Read more about Shannon’s story in EXPOSED: Inexcusable Me…Irreplaceable Him only for $1.99 on Kindle and be encouraged in your own journey!
I had the best opportunity to shake it off this past weekend when I went with girlfriends to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. It came at the perfect time if you read my last post. Sometimes there is so much awful in this world that it threatens to suffocate my spirit and when it hits close to home, well, it just about sent me over the edge.
Yeah, it is hard. No doubt. Life in general without having suffered past trauma is hard. But working through the process, exposing all of the junk that has been left inside, and replacing it with positive affirmations is a must and it is hard because it literally feels like a full spiritual (and at times physical)rehaul. When you’ve gone 25, 35, 40 years feeling ‘not good enough’ or ‘a screw up’ or ‘the cause of ___’ it is an internal makeover to replace the lies with the truth.
