Leslie’s Journey – Taking Her Life Back

Tags

abduction case, abduction survivor, abuse survivor, healing after abuse, HEALING AFTER TRAUMA, overcoming abduction, PTSD, sexual assault, survivor of abduction goes back, survivor of abuse

How often do we  get through life pushing our past into dark hidden corners, stuffing it into tight spots, shoving it into closets praying no one will ever find the secret fear, shame, and guilt the past harbors?

Survivors of abuse, any abuse, are pro’s at shoving, stuffing, and hiding… and then we are shocked when we realize the ugly remnants of our past have actually seeped out into our reactions and responses over the past 10, 20, 30 years. So we finally talk about it.

Our voice arises from the dark hidden places and much to our surprise we realize how freeing it is to be heard. We desire to conquer the past, to put it behind us once and for all, no longer harboring any undo fear, or guilt and shame that is simply not ours to store and carry.

When this process takes place, this is when the survivor moves to thriver. And it’s a beautiful sight.

This week I have the great honor and blessing of joining one survivor, Leslie, on a journey of taking her life back. She’s unearthed her past, spoken on the various abuses she’s been through and finally wants to face head on the one incident in her life that had held her captive for many years.

We are going to the mountains in Colorado where Leslie was abducted and held for five days. It was around 1984, 24-year-old Leslie applied for a job through an employment agency working for a new car dealership in Amarillo, TX. She was under the impression she was to help go to car auctions and drive them back to the dealership.

Having landed the job, Leslie, along with two other young women and a young man (under age, 17 who had lied about his age to get the job) headed out to Colorado with their employer, David Benz ( who at the time gave a fake name).

Traveling the ten hours to Colorado no one suspected that the man behind the wheel was a convicted kidnapper and rapist. He had escaped from the Pueblo Mental Institute out of Pueblo, CO.

For the next five days these young people were held captive in the mountains of Colorado. And this week, Leslie and I are going back to the area she’d tried to keep hidden in her past for so long.

Join this brave survivor, as she takes back her past and courageously reclaims her present and future.  Where we will be staying might not have the proper internet to be able to post … please stay tuned as I plan to help Leslie capture this time in the way she sees fit to share.

Blessings

Shannon

The Road to Becoming a Survivor (Guest Post )

Tags

abuse, abuse survivor, overcoming sexual assault, R. R. Hayden, rape, rape survivor, Road to Becoming a Survivor, sexual assault

Earlier this summer I was contacted by a survivor of sexual assault who wanted to share her story.

The Road to Becoming a Survivor

I read it while on vacation and as most of us who have suffered through similar circumstances, I related to much of what she’d been through. It is raw. Detailed. And brave. It is never easy to tell it like it is. This is not a story, this is her life displayed in an effort to heal.

Here is River in her own ‘voice’:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I first began writing my autobiography in April of 2014, I wasn’t really sure whether I would ever get it published or not. It started out as a way for me to work through and process my issues so I could function normally rather than remaining a victim of my past, even though it had all ended years beforehand. Physically, I was no longer a victim of continuous abuse, but in my head I was still suffering on a daily basis. I was stuck in a cage from the depression, anxiety, guilt, and fear I harbored from what I had been through for so long. What I wasn’t expecting while writing, though, was everything I learned about myself in the process.

My intentions were to write a book about my life and get everything out on paper in hopes to, not only move on from all the suffering, but also one day inspire and help others; I never imagined I would actually get there. I was writing my book and posting blogs weekly to share it with others to test out whether I would even be able to help anyone or if anyone was even interested. I hoped that my life would be an example for others and I could be the voice of those still suffering and unable to find the confidence to speak out yet. The only question was, would anyone want me to be? Would speaking out about my life be enough to raise awareness and give others the inspiration to start healing and moving on from their own trauma?

I monitored my posts and the number of readers I would have every week to see if it would get any attention. I wanted to get my life out there for others using the blog as I wrote the book to judge the affect it would have on anyone reading. I never had any comments on my posts, but the fact the number of readers kept going up every week told me that this was definitely worth all the work and tears I was putting into it. Once I started it, there was no way I could back down or stop this snowball that was starting to grow and gain speed.

Before I knew what was happening, I was finishing the book and had friends encouraging me to find a publisher. Within the next month I was talking to ScribbCrib about a publishing agreement for my autobiography. Even after the agreement was signed, I don’t think I fully comprehended that my book, my life, was going to be available to anyone willing to buy and read it. I just kept focusing on my need to help others and encourage others still suffering to keep on fighting their own battles and remind them that it can’t get better if you end your journey early.

Five months later, here we are; my book is one of the many being sold on Amazon as an eBook for anyone and everyone to view. Wow. The excitement of knowing there are people out there reading my work and taking this journey with me is overwhelming, and still so surreal. I am so blessed; the amount of joy and gratitude I feel is something I can’t fully put into words. Which is a strange feeling for me, being a writer!

I just hope that I can help people now. I’m ready to take that next step, to move forward and see what I’m able to do for all those still struggling. All I need now is some help spreading the word about my autobiography to keep the ball rolling. Who will take this wild adventure with me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Michigan native, River is a new author who has recently become part of the published ranks. She is looking to expand her expertise and write more teen novels than just nonfiction works, but is open to anything and is happy to be able to pursue her passion. A survivor of sexual assault, River currently has an autobiography, titled The Road to Becoming a Survivor published by ScribbCrib, available to read with, hopefully, many more books to come.

 

Click Here to Purchase the book on Amazon

 

 

 

 

Blessings

Shannon

Taking Some Time (Healing continues…Taking PRAYER Requests!

Tags

abuse survivor, Healing process, heavy heart, Lent season, Matthew 11:30, prayer requests, rape survivor, what to give up for lent

I didn’t expect the timing to be what it is… but when it is GOD’S timing then how can we argue? I am headed for a RETREAT for the entire week. It is a specialized retreat and one that I pray brings a great amount of healing, or at least clears a path for the journey ahead.

The joy from the gala is still within my spirit and I think this is a gift from God. My heart does not feel burdened. I feel light with His love and His mercy. I am open to receiving whatever He has in mind.

I will not be blogging during this time. I am going to try and be ‘media free’ (except for looking at emails for prayer requests)…being that it is the week of Lent beginning I think it’s quite appropriate to enter into Lent with my own sacrifice and the blessing is the knowing there is an Easter morn.

If your heart is heavy try to give the burden to Jesus, at least through Lent. We are to ‘abstain’ well then ‘abstain’ from your sorrows. Give them to God and ‘add’ happiness and gratitude in your life.

Pray for me and I’ll pray for you. Feel free to email me your prayer requests:  hopefulhearts333@gmail.com  It might give an ‘out of office’ response but I promise I’ll get them and pray.

Blessings

Shannon

Living Miracle (DMV Survivor Speaks of Near Fatal Attack)

Tags

abuse survivor, be still and know I am God, domestic violence, domestic violence awarenes, domestic violence help, domestic violence hotline, Faith, faith stories, Houston Area Women's Center, Laura White, living miracle, miracle stories, miracles, survivor's story, true miracle story

**One from the vault**

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.  Today you will not be disappointed.  Whatever you are doing right now make sure you disengage from the world around you and take a moment to receive the gift of reading the true story of this living miracle.  My life has been blessed because God has brought Laura White and I together.  Her mere presence, the fact that she is living and breathing, let alone walking and eating Chinese food with me, reinforces my belief in God, in His word and in His promises.

Our story began in April when a friend of hers was one of the few that happened upon the rained out Hopeful Hearts Ministry fund-raiser concert.  When her friend heard my story she bought a Hopeful Hearts Charm for Laura and told me she had survived her ex-husband shooting her in the stomach with a shotgun.  Instantly I was intrigued and hoped that this friend would give Laura the message to contact me.  A few weeks later I heard from Laura and we decided we needed to meet but family and other commitments got in the way until today.  But today was perfect because today was the day I needed God to show up in Laura’s message.

What got to me (that she doesn’t include in this retelling of her story) is that when he shot her and she was lying on the ground realizing what happened she heard in her ear “Be still and know I am God.”  She said once she heard those words she knew she wasn’t going to die.  Despite the fact her husband left her to lie there bleeding to death, contemplating finishing her off, she remained still and calm which is what saved her life.  Had she panicked the bleeding would have been more rapid and she would have bled to death.  Amazing.

I pray He show’s up for you too:

WATCH & LISTEN to her story:

or Read it:

The Story of a Miracle Survivor- Laura White I met my future husband at church. He was a nice Christian man, and we soon got married. It was my second marriage, and before long I learned there were two completely different sides to him. On one side, he was a very loving man. But behind closed doors, there was a cruel side to him. He was abusive, both verbally and emotionally. He constantly accused me of infidelity, and if I even mentioned another man’s name, he assumed I was cheating on him (which I never did). He wouldn’t let me have a relationship with my children; I wasn’t even allowed to talk to them on the phone. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster, sometimes it was good, and then all the craziness would begin again. It was too much for me to bear. In September 2009 I moved out and filed for divorce. All that was left was for him to sign the divorce papers. In November 2009, he called inviting me to play golf saying he would sign the papers. He said, “Bring your golf clubs, you’ll be really happy to see me.” When we met, it was really strange how giddy he was that entire day. After we finished playing golf, we went to his house to sign the papers. When we got there, he talked me into having sex with him. I did what he wanted to avoid a verbal tirade.

Afterwards, as I was getting dressed, he suddenly locked the bedroom door, pulled out a shotgun, and chambered it. My heart froze as he told me to sit down. He said he was going to kill me and then himself. He said, “If I can’t have you, then no one can.” I tried to talk him out of it, but he got even angrier. I could tell he was serious and I started thinking about my children and grandson. It was then and there that I decided to jump up and around him. As I leaped to my feet he shot me in the abdomen with a double barrel shotgun loaded with buckshot. I fell to the floor, and as I lay there, he pointed the gun at me, telling me it was my fault and that I was going to die.

I finally said, “If you’re not going to call 911, you might as well shoot me.”

When I said those words his face softened, and his eyes were no longer cold and empty. He cried out, “Oh my God, what have I done?”

He immediately called 911, and told them what he did. They arrived shortly after and life-flighted me to the hospital. I had no pulse, no blood left and the doctors told my kids I had a less than 1% chance of living. I was in a coma for three weeks. They didn’t expect me to make it, and said even if I lived I would have no quality of life.

After three months in the hospital and 13 surgeries, I was walking and back at work seven months later. I lost 80% of my digestive system, my stomach muscles, and even lost my bellybutton, yet I was a walking miracle. The doctors told me that according to medical books I should have been dead. I began to physically recover, but not mentally and I knew I needed help. One night I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they referred me to the Houston Area Women’s Center.

The next day I went there, did intake, met with a counselor and began to go to group counseling sessions. It was truly an amazing experience; it helped me realize I wasn’t alone and that there were other women going through the same things. My recovery took a big turnaround. I needed that group support. In December 2010, I went to trial, testified against my husband and he was sentenced to life in prison. Once I left that courtroom I felt like a new woman. I continued going to the Houston Area Women’s Center, but I had made the transition from victim to survivor.

To this day, I still have 14 buckshot pellets lodged in my body, and they remind me that I survived for a reason. I survived to be a mother, grandmother, sister, friend, and to be of help to someone. I know that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I graduated from college in May, and I’m currently writing a book about my experience.

It has been an amazing journey, and if I had to take a bullet again, I would take it to gain the peace I have now, freely be with my children and family, and most of all to not be controlled by another again.

She wrote this post for the Houston Women’s Area Center.  When she said to me, “I heard ‘Be still and know I am God.” I got the chills because it strengthens my personal resolve to ‘be still’, trust in His plan, He will come through.

We hear these unbelievable stories and we think “My situation isn’t as bad so I shouldn’t feel like I have an issue.”  Please listen, your story is your story, if it affects you then it matters.  If you are in a similar situation, if any of Laura’s story is relatable, please reach out to someone and talk to them about it.  Go to a trusted family member, friend, pastor or priest, or do as Laura did and call the National Domestic Hotline.  They will help you find counseling and even a shelter (if needed) within your area.

Other online resources are Ask Seek and Knock and the Maria Goretti Network.

Houston Area:

Domestic Violence Hotline

713-528-2121

Rape Crisis Hotline

713-528-7273

I pray this post blesses you in some way today.

Blessings

Shannon

Family Secrets

Tags

abuse survivor, Faith, healing, I have a voice, incest survivor, inspirational

I thought I’d take the easy route today and now that I know how to incorporate a video in the blogs I’ll re-highlight my personal “I Have a Voice” Video.  This was filmed last April just a few short weeks after attending the funeral of my grandfather (who was also my first perpetrator when I was a child).  It is raw but I believe it speaks volumes to many (if I must say so myself ) because it also touches on that really tough aspect in life – forgiveness.    It would be my honor for you to watch.

Also, this week my column in CHOOSE-NOW MINISTRIES ‘Shannon Deitz On Hope’ features a conversation I had with Seth a few weeks back regarding ‘Family Secrets’…it brought up that all too uncomfortable topic of when do you reveal to your children certain skeletons in the closet?  What questions should you ask yourself before telling your child something that might shake up their comfortable world?

Family Secrets

I pray you all have a blessed weekend.  I am speaking at a teen Confirmation Retreat tomorrow in Dickenson, TX and then have ACTS registration all day Sunday with a speaking event to the teens at Prince of Peace.  Busy busy!  But BLESSED!!!

Blessings

Shannon

 

Go Deep

Tags

abuse survivor, Faith, healing, incest survivor, inspiration

Okay my friends, I’ve been a bit wayward and not posting on this blog site.  As many of you know I have a website where I do my main blog and posted 365 days in 2013.  If you wish to view the past few weeks of posts feel free to visit: http://www.shannonmdeitz.com/category/blog

But I will post a few that I believe specifically speak to survivors of abuse….or at least it’s my VOICE as a survivor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish I knew best how to begin a summation of 2013 … MY 2013…  maybe some will relate and others won’t which is understandable.  But for me, I need to surmise what 2013 was for me.

I find it fitting that this morning I began the day walking into a donut shop to pick up breakfast for the boys and ran into two young adults that were once youth in my youth ministry program.  I was very excited to see them and get caught up on where life has taken them so far.  Just before I was about to leave they asked if I had the time to sit and help with a more deep, serious conversation.  Without hesitating I pulled up a chair and sat down.

My youth aren’t young anymore.  They are grown men and women learning that life is difficult…messy…and filled with hope.  When they were younger it was easier for me to sit, listen, and then give advice that I knew would best direct them in the way God wanted them to go, however, with age comes challenge and the answer isn’t always clear.  But as I listened to one of them tell me about their situation I felt as if I were hearing a part of my own life being played back to me, only 15-20 years later.  I gave the best advice I felt called to give and then I capped that off with – PRAY & TRUST.

When I left the donut shop I realized how much my life is complete in this moment.  For years I went from year to year with an internal desire, an anxiousness, a feeling of being not whole, unworthy, and frustrated.  Something was not right within me and I couldn’t understand why.  I thought that maybe it was because I hadn’t achieved my number one goal, and that was to be ‘officially’ published by a ‘real’ publisher and not having to self-publish.  Year after year I would write in my reflection letter for the year to come that this would be the year my dream would come true and all would be right in the world.

2013 was the year.  All is right in my world.  My book, REDEEMED, got accepted by a ‘real’ publisher and it will be published in 2014, BUT, this is not the reason why I feel complete, worthy, and whole.

If you have followed along on this 365 day project from day one you know that I had been triggered deeply and had some very disturbing memories surface that I’d buried deep for most of my life.  The day that happened is the day I began to feel whole again.  I could really feel for the first time in my life.  And knowing the abuse I incurred as a little girl, a very vulnerable little girl, made the rest of my life make sense.  In many ways it was as if I was already beyond on the other side of the gates of heaven able to see the flashback video of my life scroll before me and all of the moments that I felt guilt or shame for became understandable and forgivable.

In 2012 I had a dear friend of mine write me a note that I keep taped to the inside of my desk because it summarizes what I longed to achieve:

“You are a box of surprises for me!” she wrote, “You are such a gifted girl but I think you believe it in your mind and not in your whole.  My word for you is depth.  I see a diver with  all the equipment to dive deep but she is on the surface.  Go deeper my girl!”

When my truth came to light in 2013 I taped a picture of me as a little girl before the abuse happened, or I believe before, alongside the note.  The sweetness.  The innocence. The joy and happiness.  That is who I am.  That is my deep.

I spent 2013 going deeper and deeper within to untangle what had been buried for so long.  And in the process I was blessed with many external joys and achievements that I once thought would have ‘made me whole’ but instead were a blessing only to punctuate my life.

Tomorrow is the last day of my challenge.  I will not give up blogging but I will re-examine how best it will benefit YOU and benefit ME.  If you have thoughts or suggestions I’d be more than happy to hear them.  In the meantime, I am even more blessed for you to have joined me on this journey.

Blessings

Shannon

Rage – It Blows (Day 238)

Tags

abuse, abuse survivor, anger, anger management, domestic abuse, Faith, healing, overcoming anger, rage

Rage is a strong word. It conjures up images of big steroid-bloated men with snarls on red faces. Rage growls. Rage sneers. Rage explodes and destroys.

No one wants to associate themselves with rage and yet it’s rage that sneaks up and gets you by surprise. Rage is a hurt that never healed. Rage is the mushroom that appears after a heavy rain on the freshly, pristine manicured lawn. Where did it come from? How did it bloom so fast?

I’ll be honest there are the few moments when I can spout off like a boiling tea kettle letting off steam and a high-pitched squeal. Years ago, before I learned to turn to God, before I knew the power of prayer, I harbored boiling rage. I shouted, hollered, yelled, screamed, pounded my fists against a table, jumped up and down, desperate to release the fuming emotion if in the least to make it go away.

At that time anything and everything set me off. If it wasn’t within my control, the way I wanted it or would do it, and worse, if you went against what I felt was my truth (‘I swear I remember it this way’, or ‘I never said that’, or ‘That is not how it happened’) it flipped a switch and out came as a fit of rage.

My husband would be instigated by it at times, adding to the chaos but most often he’d leave me to my own self-destructive behavior. As many of you know, I didn’t really ‘see’ myself for who I’d become until I had children and saw ’me’ through my son’s very young and fearful eyes.

I did not want to be the person that made my son look at me with fear.

I certainly didn’t want to perpetuate another cycle of fear and abuse. That is the moment ‘I died to myself’ and gave all control to God. “Do with me as you will.” I remember saying, clearly.

Over a decade later, by the grace of God, I have managed to express anger as anger, frustration as frustration, and sadness as sadness. Almost. There are two times I ‘lost it’, yelling, screaming, desperate to be heard, out of control. Thankfully the voice was all that was raised but it’s as if I was stuck within myself and couldn’t get loose. I wanted to stop. To stuff the inflated raft back into the box.

With each of those moments, once calmed down, filled with shame and disgust I would think, “Where did that come from? I thought I was doing pretty good. I’m over it all.” It’s like the pristine grass, well cut, nice and green, void of fungus’ and scorched spots, however, a heavy rain passes over and within hours uproots and explosion of mushrooms.

Today, as I watched more coverage on the judge from Montana, Judge T. Todd Baugh, I felt anger for the poor victim who chose to take her life before the trial began. I felt outrage that the prosecuted offender got only 30 days in jail. And then I felt the water of rage boiling when I heard the judge said “The 14-year-old victim was older than her chronological age.” in effect saying she asked for it, despite the circumstance of the offender being her teacher, a person in authority over her and double her age.

There are moments when I have to turn the channel or turn these stories off because it makes me so angry. In fact, I didn’t write about this when it first came out because I couldn’t allow myself to feel the feelings it aroused. Yet, later today I was working on a project that discussed this concept of rage and I thought about what I felt that morning…and then I thought about one of the two times in 12 years I’ve been blind-sided by the explosion of rage.

The beauty of being able to look back and dig through the filth and dirt of the episodes is that it unearths a truth that can help to prevent an ‘explosion’ from happening again. In both instances I was digging deep (please excuse my continued puns) within my psyche to release all of the ugly truths of my past so that they could be let go, freeing me from the shame and unworth they harbored. However, digging that deep and unearthing those ugly seeds also unearthed the emotions that built up over time.

They’d been boiling for so long but the steam had no where to go until the most unexpected moment – a word spoken, a look given, or a situation that ‘triggered’ the emotion and BOOM!

No it’s not an excuse. I’m ashamed to even admit that this ever happens to me. Even one time is not good. But it’s truth. And I think it needs to be talked about because this type of pent up rage can keep someone from being ‘free’ and if not dealt with it can harm others, most specifically those you love.

For me, when it happened, I talked about it. I sought the help of a therapist and dealt with the unearthed feelings and emotions. If you recognize any of these occasional emotional explosions within you I strongly encourage you to tell someone and seek the appropriate help and counsel.

If you need help figuring out how to find that counsel or ways of finding support, please feel free to email me at hopefulhearts333@gmail.com If you are in the Houston, TX or Tyler/Longview, TX area there are Maria Goretti Networks that are peer to peer abuse survivor support groups where you can go and talk about these feelings and situations to others that understand.

We are all God’s beloved and we all have the same rights and privileges to better ourselves but we don’t have the right to inflict our shame, anger, frustration, and sadness on the innocent around us. If you are experiencing these fits of anger and rage on a daily or constant basis, there is no excuse or reasoning to justify the harmful behavior. I strongly encourage you to remove yourself from your home before more harm is done to the innocent. Go and seek the help you and your family deserve.

Blessings

Shannon

Hear Me Roar! (Day 226)

Tags

abuse survivor, child abuse survivor, Faith, hannah anderson, healing, survivors, today show

Hannah Anderson, the 16-year-old, who was kidnapped by a close family friend, is receiving backlash from strangers that have no clue what she went through (and is still going through) and it breaks my heart.

On the Today Show this morning they aired a portion of an interview with Hannah as she quite courageously explained details of her relationship to her kidnapper that have caused these naysayers to doubt Hannah. As I watched her brevity on screen I kept thinking, “She is 16-years-old…in fact she just turned 16. Why does she have to explain anything? This man, her abuser/stalker/kidnapper, was an adult who was trusted to help be Hannah’s guardian. Her parents put trust into this man and taking their lead so did Hannah. She is a child.

At one point in the portion of the interview that was aired Hannah said (paraphrased), “In the beginning I was a victim but my mom taught me to be strong and now I can say I am a survivor.” AMEN! I wanted to reach through the screen and hug her

To the public they see a pretty teenager who finds solace and comfort in the means that every teenager of this century finds solace – through her ‘friends’ on Facebook, Instagram, and all the other various electronic outlets. However, the adult public want to criticize her for acting out as a teenager and trying to cope in the only way she knows how, which is to put aside the fear she felt, the shame (because Lord only knows what he said and did to her which probably won’t really come to surface for many years) and guilt (can you imagine the survivor’s guilt having been ‘taken’ alive and yet brought home to find that she no longer has her mother or brother?)
Please, I beg of you, to the public that finds pleasure in trying to make this more than what it is – a miracle of a survivor who was freed from her perpetrator – give Hannah a break and let her recover in peace.

I don’t know why this hit me so hard this morning. I watch these events unfold with the three survivors in Cleveland, Ohio and now with Hannah and I deal with survivors on a daily basis who have overcome their own stories of hell and it makes me want to gather them all in my arms, encourage them and then unite in a front to have one LOUD VOICE so that all of those who have yet to find their voice can feel empowered by the unified strength and recognize they are not alone.
LOL like “I am woman hear me roar!” Instead it would be “I am a survivor hear me ROAR!”

Okay, I’m pumped. I thank God for these moments of exhilaration for what I’m doing because I need them to fuel my resilience.

God has equipped us all with a fire that leads us to do what He has given us the talents and abilities to do. If you feel your fire fading don’t give up, the fire never fully fades. Sometimes it comes down to a burning ember because you need rest. But don’t be lazy…you’ll know when God starts poking those embers around making them light back up. Be ready.

Blessings

Shannon

Road to Forgiveness (Day 213)

Tags

abuse survivor, having a voice, how to forgive, how to heal, overcoming hardship, real people, real stories, road to forgiveness, victims of abuse

The release of my personal I Have a Voice video this week has been a bit nerve-wracking. I’ll be the first to admit that when I was shown the preliminary video my instinct was to say “No, don’t say that…I mean I only saw him once a year so it wasn’t ‘that bad’.” Or, “My story isn’t as significant as the others.” And better yet, “I look so old! Look at all those wrinkles and the way my shirt puffs up and bags out, I look like I’m twenty pounds heavier!” Can we say VANITY? But when I spoke to a fellow survivor about these things she said what I already knew to be true, “You are putting the tape on that little girl’s mouth. This is the same reaction we all have and it’s exactly why no one speaks up.”

So I let it go. And I’m so glad I did! The next day I read this blog post from a fellow blogger. Her words are eloquent and I highly recommend the read: DRIVING OVER WATER

I also received this amazing story from a beautiful woman I met at the International Christian Retail Show. I was taken by her road to forgiveness and wanted to share it with you all. Here is ‘Apostle Barbara Kizzie’s Story’:

I opened my mouth and without thinking, “Jesus I love you with all my heart” bubbled up out of my spirit. I realized that not only did I love Jesus but that I am in love with Him. I have completely dedicated my heart, my life, my entire being to Him.

I was born again in 1971 but through my teens, twenties and most of my thirties I only called on Jesus when I needed help, otherwise I was, or thought I was, on my own. When I was baptized with the Holy Spirit on June 9, 1991, It Was On!!! My new life in Christ Jesus really began. I could hear Him clearly. One day the Lord said, it is time to clean out your heart. There is something that has been like a dark thread woven deep into the fabric of your life. We must get it out…it is unforgiveness.

Then He brought back to my remembrance how my Grandfather molested me when I was a young teenager. I loved my grandparents. I wanted to be with them, spend the weekend at their house, run errands for them and listen to all their stories of the past. My grandfather was a deacon in the Methodist Church down the street, my grandmother went to the Baptist Church about a mile away and I went to the Lutheran Church across the street. On Sundays my grandfather and I would get home first. When we were alone one Sunday, my grandfather began to touch my breast. I told him to stop, ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I did not come out until my grandmother came home. I didn’t tell anyone what happened. About a month or so later, I went back because I still wanted to see them and to go to Church. My grandfather tried to do it again….I never went back alone.

Everyone thought that I was being a teenager and didn’t have time for my grandparents anymore. I really missed them. I started going to the Baptist Church with my Mom and got saved there. I went away to college, got married and had a daughter. We rarely went to Church, yet there was a hunger and thirst in my heart for Jesus.

When I was 36 years old, the Lord said, Now it’s time to forgive your grandfather. The Lord let me know that the feeling of being betrayed had infiltrated my life. He helped me to realize that I was waiting for my grandfather to say I’m sorry and that he would never say it. Hearing “I’m sorry”, was not required for me to forgive my grandfather. Jesus was on the cross for something that He didn’t do, He was lied on, spat on and treated with disrespect. While He was in pain and near death, He said, Father forgive them for they know not what they do! The Lord said I will give you My forgiveness so that you can forgive your grandfather.

I prayed a prayer: Lord I receive Your forgiveness and now I choose to forgive my grandfather and release out love and forgiveness to him. In Jesus Name Amen. I felt a weight lift off my heart and shoulders. Days after the prayer, I was driving and the Lord said I want you to go pray the prayer of salvation with your grandfather. By that time, I was living in New Jersey. My grandparents were in Illinois. I began to give God my grandfather’s spiritual resume. Lord, my grandfather has been a deacon in the Church for over 50 years. People say that when he prays they feel Your presence. The Lord said to me, in a big booming voice that thundered through my entire being: IF YOU DON’T GO PRAY WITH HIM, HE IS GOING TO HELL!

I cried uncontrollably as I pulled to the side of the road. I asked for forgiveness and said, “Yes Lord I will go.” I called my mother and told her. She said do what the Lord tells you to do. My mother went with me to my grandparent’s house. My grandfather was 87 years old and hard of hearing. He and my grandmother were in the kitchen. Mom sat in the corner and began to pray.

I sat next to my grandfather and said, “The Lord forgives you for all that you have done. He loves you and wants you to be saved. Granddaddy repeat after me, ‘Dear Lord Jesus.’

My grandfather said, ‘Dear Lee Martin*’…that was his name.

I said, ”No Granddaddy say ‘Dear Lord Jesus.’”

He said, “Dear Lord Jesus.”

I said, “I Love You with all my heart.”

He said, “I love you with all my body.”

Then I realized that the enemy was speaking through him and for the first time, I went into spiritual warfare. “The blood of Jesus is over you,” I said. “Satan take your hands off my grandfather…the Blood of Jesus is against you…come out now in Jesus Name.” Then I said to my grandfather, “Repeat after me. ‘Dear Lord Jesus I love You with all my heart.”

He said,”Dear Lord Jesus I love You with all my heart.” Suddenly a big tear rolled out of his right eye and a big smile filled face.

I heard the Lord say, ‘He is in eternity with us now.’ My mother, grandmother and I began to rejoice knowing that my grandfather was saved! Not too long after that my grandfather’s health declined and he went Home to be with the Lord in 1994 at the age of 91. The Lord taught me that forgiveness is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Urbandictionary.com says that holding unforgiveness against someone is like drinking poison hoping the other person gets sick. The Lord said that unforgiveness puts a lock on the person’s heart. A locked up heart stops the love of God from being shed abroad in one’s heart. When we forgive the lock is destroyed and the love of God flows in our hearts and to others.

Apostle Barbara Kizzie

Barbara Kizzie received Jesus as her Lord and Savior in 1971 and was called to ministry in 1991. She is an ordained minister who loves the Lord with all her heart.

In 2011, by the leading of the Lord she founded “God in the Midst” Christian Fellowship an apostolic organization that encourages, edifies and equips home, small and para-Church ministries. She is the host of the God In The Midst (GITM) Internet Radio Show that airs every Thursday night at 9pm CST (10pm EST). To listen and participate in the show call: 619-639-4733 or go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/GODINTHEMIDST Her facebook /God In The Midst and twitter @GITM4GOD give glory to God and is a blessing to the Body of Christ.

*Names have been changed*

Thank you to Ms. Barbara for sharing your story with all of us! You are a beautiful survivor. These stories and reading other blogs such as the above “MudTherapist’s ‘Driving Over Water’” giving VOICE to what has been kept up in the dark for so long is GLORIOUS to me! No better way for all of us to SHOW UP!

Enjoy your Friday and your weekend! Be encouraged and strengthened in the little moments that speak to your heart today.

Blessings

Shannon

Day of Reckoning – Part Two (Day 111 Revisited)

Tags

abuse survivor, Abuse survivors, forgiveness, healing from abuse, incest survivor, overcoming abuse, survivor's story

I’ll admit, yes I was blogging while in the back row during the service. I found it hard to listen but I didn’t feel the need to leave. I heard that my grandfather was a faithful Godly man. That all of his life he would wake and do a morning devotional and read the bible. I heard that he was devout in his faith and wanted only to do the ‘right’ thing and to do ‘good’ by everyone. I heard that he was loved and that God had His hand on him saving him on many occasions from death.

I heard them joke about him and his coffee. The same smell that ‘triggers’ me. The very reason why I’ve never had a cup of coffee. I always wondered why I detested the smell. Why the smell would take me back to picturing the brown clay coffee mugs with the light brown edges. Why it would make my insides recoil. Before my wall broke down I tried to reason it was because the Folger’s plant was in Sherman where I grew up. Not so.

My uncles got up one by one and spoke about their father. My heart broke for them. I’m sure he was a good man to them and he taught them many things. As I said before I’m sure it is hard for them to reconcile the man I know with the man that brought them up. There were many times I wanted to say things but I text them to Heather instead. It did not escape me that one of my uncles brought up the fact that grandfather had made ‘mistakes’ and that we are all sinners. Quoting the verse to not ‘throw the first stone’ for we are all sinners. No, it didn’t escape my ears…but I wanted to then stand up and say “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe [in me] to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were put around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.” Mark 9:42

Yes, I heard and yes, I know. I know that it continues to say in the bible “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my Heavenly Father.” Matthew 18:12

When the service was complete they marched his ashes outside for the military honors. He was in the Air Force by the way, I was mistaken. I held back, holding Riley who was giving me the biggest hugs and kisses. I waited till everyone left and walked up to the front where they had pictures of my grandfather, grandmother, my mom and all of my uncles. I stood before the picture of my grandfather and said out loud what I needed to say. ”You hurt me which scarred me deeply,” was one. Much more that needs to be left between him and I. There was no shortage of tears. Tears for me. Tears for the little girl that never understood why she wrote the poem that she remembers this verse to this day:

“I’m living in a world unknown, I’m scared to think it could be shown. In this world I hear voices telling me to make choices. Choices that should never be thought of….I’m tired of living in this world unknown.” I still have this written in my little Hello Kitty Diary , I was 10 years old but I remember those verses well. I didn’t understand them till now.

I looked at his picture and I nailed the coffin. Riley and I walked outside for the final words. When I went to my grandfather’s house after the service I was relieved to find out it wasn’t the house I remember. They moved from that house when I was in high school. I had never been in this one. And there was no smell of coffee. I was free to sit and catch up with my uncles.

After a late lunch they asked if I wanted to go through his stuff with them at the house. I politely declined. I am tired. It’s not a lie. Heather and I will meet them for dinner tonight. There might be a Part Three.

For now I feel ‘free’. Song – FREE by SHAWN MCDONALD

Chorus: “You said your burden is light and your load is no more. You said your ways are right and in you I will soar. I want to be free, free to dance and free to sing. Free to live and love and free to be me.”

Blessings

Shannon