Tough post today. For me and for you if you are willing to give what it takes to heal.
I’ve gradually been conquering the leap over many hurdles that have been firmly planted in my psyche, in concrete no doubt, and the only way I’ve been able to actually clear the tops of each hurdle and land firmly on the balls of my feet is by finally taking notice of ME.
The real ME.
What makes me tick? What really makes me happy? What do I want to do and why? The world won’t end if I say ‘no’ and I should say YES if I want to say yes.
What I find interesting about myself if I look back on my journey is how much time I’ve spent grieving over such selfish tendencies. I wanted to be able to say “I want to do this.” and “No, I don’t want to do this.” yet I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt.
What joined this mindset was a very childish response and need to inwardly whine. Why doesn’t anyone want to do for me? Why can’t they see what I need? When others were confident in what they wanted to do or say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to I would take it personally, “Why do they get to have that freedom and I don’t?” Whine whine whine
A few of these firm hurdles in my path have been that inner victim wanting someone to notice all I’d been through, to pick me up and carry me over the hurdles so I could feel validated and not have to work so hard at trying.
If am to be honest with myself I’ve often passed the buck to others in certain projects not because of laziness or lack of interest but because of the fear of failure. I’ve not done well at trusting my own instincts and yet I expect others to read my mind.
This year I’ve worked hard at coming to know me … and for a survivor it is not that easy. I’ve been hearing certain lies in my head for years. No matter how much I do it was never going to be enough. If I received praise I accepted it politely but inwardly refused to receive it convincing myself I would soon mess up and they’d want to retract their affirmations.
Enough is enough. Reality slapped me upside the head this year and I realized I’d been standing at the hurdles with complacency. Who cares if I get over them? It’s not so bad standing here on the path…I’ve gone far enough.
Suddenly I realized how bright and colorful the path was ahead and where I stood it was drab, dark and the air stale.
No more excuses. I first realized I could not expect others to change to suit my lack of desire to change. Now that is what true selfishness is! When that hit home I began to look at myself and pinpoint where I needed change to begin and that was in being able to be sincere in my intentions for me.
Only I can know what will make me happy, sad, depressed, hopeful, inspired, etc. To expect others to know what makes me tick is selfish. Granted those who are the closest might be able to get a few things right but what about when they are wrong? Do I have a right to get upset because they aren’t reading my mind and taking care of me when I don’t communicate what I need?
I had been so reluctant to communicate what I need, like, don’t like, desire, etc because I didn’t want anyone to feel obligated. But the truth is, they have a right to say no, yes, okay, and to communicate back what they might need, like, desire, etc to put us both on equal ground of satisfaction.
I don’t think it’s just survivors of abuse that struggle with this issue. I think it’s a human issue and I just want to affirm you.
You do you. You be you. Because YOU are exactly what is needed in this world. In accepting this accept others for them. Give mutual respect and learn to speak up.
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