**Flashback post from 2013…when I read through this I wanted to crawl back into the moment and tell ‘me’ that I would soon overcome many more insecurities, to give ‘me’ a pat on the back, tell myself good job and let ‘me’ know that in just a few years something will rock her world that will throw her back into the pit of insecurity and because of her amazing will to fight and refuse to get stuck in that pit (for she knows it well) she will bust out and finally have the real courage to overcome some of her most deep seeded insecurities.
It might seem like it would be a gift to know what the future holds but in many ways I believe it would only paralyze me to have to suffer through it to get to what the future promises. In reality it is better left a mystery and to embrace each moment as the gift it is.**
I did something crazy today. Ran in the heat of the day. Brutal. I used to swear you would never catch me running anytime after 10am during the hottest months of summer.
So why today? Granted it is ‘cooler’ than it has been. Today was just 90 degrees, at least 10 degrees cooler than it has been in the past few weeks. I was antsy because my whole day had been thrown off its axis. I woke up 20 minutes before my 3:45am alarm to go to adoration. (I’d like to think God was anxious to see me so He made sure I was awake ha ha). I had planned to go work out after adoration but was exhausted. So I went home and crawled back into bed.
I slept till 8am and couldn’t get my eyes to fully ‘awaken’ till around 8:30. Still I felt sluggish and out of sorts. By 10:30 I finally was moving around and getting into gear preparing for our trip to the lake with Seth’s Godparents for the weekend. I looked at a Red Box movie we’d rented and thought “I’ll run to HEB and turn it in. It’s not that far.”
Which is what led me to be out in the heat of the day, running on the busiest road in Kingwood, sweating my tush off! Do you know how big that was for me? (Not my tush but the run? ) Not just to run in the heat of the day…but to put myself out there running toward the busiest intersection in Kingwood? If you harbor any sort of insecurity then you understand. It was a HUGE step for me, especially because I’m not the most ‘athletic’ person so I feel like people are looking and thinking, “Bless her heart,” with pity on their faces.
I made it to HEB without a hitch. Had that awful moment of waiting at the busy intersection for my right of way. But I managed. Once I returned the movie I had the bright idea to keep going away from my house and make it to the next cross walk so I could cross over Kingwood drive and then head back on the opposite side of the street. It probably added another 1/2-3/4 mile to my run. I found what I thought was a good place to cross over, but it wasn’t until I made it to the other side that I realized there was no sidewalk headed back in the direction of my house. This was another test for me, I knew it immediately because I don’t always make the brightest decisions. I thought to myself, “I can walk on the side of the road in the grass until it picks up to the sidewalk.”
Normally my thought process would stop there and I’d just go with it. But for some reason my thoughts continued and I could see the issues that could arise. There wasn’t much space on the grass to keep me from getting sideswiped by the multitude of passing cars. Frustrated that I’d run all that way to begin with I turned around and went back the way I came. Once again I passed through the busy intersection and made it home.
Why was this such a big moment for me today? Because I listened to my own voice and worked passed an insecurity. I’d heard a few honks on my run and sure enough when I was able to check my texts I saw a few friends had seen me running. And I was proud of myself because I wasn’t mortified. It is a small sense of freedom to not have to care about such a menial thing anymore.
Do you have any of these small insecurities that have kept you from listening to what you want to do? Pick one and set about a plan to conquer it. You’ll wonder why it ever bothered you in the first place!
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