I’m glad everyone enjoyed Neal’s post yesterday. It is rare for him to get the ‘bug’ but every now and then his voice itches to be heard. From the comments emailed in I’d say you all enjoy hearing the male perspective as well. Maybe he’ll get another ‘itch’ more often.
In the process of Neal coming to an internal realization of how he can create a ‘life-giving’ cycle, I have found how shallow I’ve been on ‘digging deep’ within my own healing. A note I have on my desk from a dear spiritual advisor of mine reminds me daily of how shallow I am. “You are such a gifted girl, but I think you believe it in your mind and not in your whole. My word for you is depth (profoundness). I see a diver with all the equipment to dive deep but she on the surface. Go deeper my girl!”
The note remains taped to my desk with a picture of me as a 3 year old. I received it not long after the memories of my grandfather came to light. I had believed that maybe my ‘depth’ was to dig deeper in forgiveness, and possibly for that year it was. I keep the picture of the little girl as a reminder who I am fighting for…and where it all began. The moment I lost my own voice.
However, in lieu of the events of this year I see that even still in the past two years I have only ventured a few feet down from the surface, not quite ‘deep enough’. There is so much about me that I have yet to realize. My truth is not yet revealed to me even though it might be glaringly obvious to others.
After my post on Tuesday I received the following email from a dear friend:
“When I looked at your picture today I saw a great friend with a loving heart that used to be afraid to love anything or anybody. I think you are learning it’s okay to love someone other than God. You know, it took you a long time to truly trust Him. Remember when you thought God had let you down?
Now that you know He is constantly with you, he is teaching you how to love others even if they “disappoint” you. Girl look at yourself now. You are such a loving person with a kind and forgiving heart. People like me count on you for daily prayers and blessings.”
Her sweet note caught me off guard. And when I responded with why are you so ‘insightful’? She wrote:
“I’m not insightful, you are transparent!! It’s always easier for someone else to see you. I see something different than you see when you look in the mirror!! I see a WHOLE person that is learning to love again. Hell you were robbed of your own heart at an early age!! You are like a baby learning to TRUST and LOVE at the same time.
But more importantly, you are learning to LOVE yourself while learning to love others!! “
I’m sharing this because I know there are many of you I personally work with who might relate. It is the most uncomfortable to admit to myself that I have never really loved or accepted love. As I mentioned before, I am referring to love without conditions. I love, I love a great deal but I’m learning that I have kept myself from love in the profound. And my heart aches with a deep pain for those who love, or have loved me and never could get past that wall. The pain gets deeper when I realize it is my need to ‘control’ that keeps me from healing this aspect of me.
Do I have an answer? No. I wish I did! What kind of blogger am I that can’t offer you the step by step process of overriding the need to control in order not to feel pain? I’ll work on that.
Actually the simple TRUTH is this:
Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
I want to ‘go deeper’… to love the way others love me, the way God loves me and to do so without the fear of abandonment, conditions, rejection and disappointment. I want to accept and be accepted.
I will. I know I will. Because even though I try to control it I do know God’s love is the only way and I’m willing.
Be willing to allow God’s love in. That’s it. Just be willing to receive and it naturally will take you deeper.