Having lived through two date rape scenarios I know the terror a heart can suffer at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. To have that someone be the very man who stood before God and vowed to ‘love and cherish’ brings the terror to a whole new level.
Throughout the month of October I’ve been giving survivors of domestic violence a chance to have a voice and given an insight into what happens behind those closed doors. Here is another brave soul who is sharing another common and terrifying aspect of domestic violence – spousal rape.
‘Secret Angel’s Story’
We were newlyweds and had only been married a few months when I planned a romantic evening for my husband. I cooked and had candles lit when I excitedly met him at the door when he got off of work one day. Unfortunately, I did not get the response that I expected.
He was angry! He blew up at me, yelling that he had a bad day. He grabbed me and started yelling that he was going to give “it” to me. He angrily pulled me to the bedroom and threw me on the bed. He kept yelling that I wanted “it” so he was going to give it to me.
He torn my clothes and tore off his. I was yelling “NO” and “STOP”! I kept telling him that I was sorry and would never do it again. I was struggling with him, crying and begging him to stop as he proceeded to try to rape me. He was yelling at me to shut up and quit crying.
Then I heard a shout! I heard someone yell, “What is going on here”? His sister had walked in and stopped him. He angrily told her that I wanted sex so he was going to give it to me. I rolled over and just cried. I was terrified! I had seen a different person than the man that I thought I had married. I had seen a violent side that I had never experienced before. I cried like a baby, crying out to God to forgive me for marrying this man that my family had warned me about.
Who could I call? Who could I tell? I felt trapped. I had moved away from my family to be near him and his family despite many warnings from my family. I was in shock and terrified of his violent outburst. I was afraid to make him mad again. I was his wife and had willingly made love to him previously. But this was not love. This was violent. This was anger. This was control. And unfortunately, it worked. He then had control of me. I had seen what happened when he was mad and I never wanted him to be that mad again.
I had heard all of the debates that a wife was a husband’s property, and he could do what he wanted and when. But, I had witnessed an act of violence that I never wanted to see again. I had begged him to stop but his anger resulted in a total loss of control. Both he and his sister told me that it was my fault. I got the blame for his violence, because I had planned a romantic evening for my new husband. I was now afraid of him. But there was no one that I could talk to. I just cried to God while he slept, careful to not let him hear me and get mad again. He had yelled at me that crying only made him angrier. I was terrified of that violent side of him that I had witnessed and I really did not understand! How could this happen? What had I done?
Secret Angel Bio:
As a former victim of abuse, Secret Angel represents the many nameless and faceless victims of abuse. No one can understand that feeling of being trapped and that feeling of hopelessness–unless they have lived it. Many people cannot understand how this can happen, but victims never choose to be abused. They never want to be victims. They never want to live in fear.
Now, as an overcomer of abuse and domestic violence, Secret Angel is reaching out to help others to also overcome their situations with information and inspiration to see THE LIGHT that led her out of darkness. God rescued her from abuse when she was so broken that she did not even know that she was being abused, and she wants to help others.
Secret Angel Ministry has been founded to reach out to these victims and includes a vision to one day in the future be able to provide Secret Angel Safe Houses for those in immediate safety needs and also Secret Angel Transitional Houses for those who want to have their lives entirely transformed by the Grace of God.
Secret Angel’s book, The Walking Wounded, talks about how abuse happens and how victims become trapped in their situations. It brings understanding to the plight of victims as Secret Angel reveals her own true story, including how God intervened in her life and rescued her… The Walking Wounded is in publication currently and will be released in October of 2013, with a plan for the majority of proceeds to go into ministries that help victims of abuse.
Secret Angel as also written a song about victims of abuse entitled, Walking Wounded, in collaboration with Diana Rasmussen. Proceeds of this song have been pledged to Secret Angel Ministry to help victims of abuse.
You deserve to be treated with respect. You are worthy and you are loved. If you are in need of help or would like to talk to someone about your situation visit Domestic Violence Hotline www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233