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How do I overcome?

2 corinthis 3 17Thirteen years ago when my face was meshed into the synthetic threads of carpet weathered by years of traffic and baby spit up I believed it was the lowest I could go – I was one with muck, stains and tears. I cried out to God, “If you have a plan for my life then take it. Do something with it. I give up.”

I hadn’t given up on life, I’d given up my control. The spirit of God settled on top of me like a warm blanket, covering me in peace and mercy. I sat up and could smell his strength, I could taste his power, and I heard his love like a melody through my entire body. He was with me and he would never leave me nor forsake me. It was no longer a ‘written word’ but engraved in my spirit.

The question of ‘how’ had plagued me for years before. How do I get over what has been done to me? How do I get beyond the past and embrace my future? How can I even accept that I have a future? How? Lord, how?

I asked others I thought had overcome so much in their life and seemed to be in a place of hope and happiness. How? I’d ask in desperation.

Have faith. Trust. Pray. Believe.

But how do you have faith especially when nothing good has come your way? How do you trust when most of whom you know, even those who have been ministers of God’s word, have lied and betrayed me? How do you pray when you feel like no one is listening? How do you believe there could be a better day when every day is the same as the next? I had even been told to ‘let go and let God’ and that led me to ‘how‘.

Like a petulant child refusing to stop sucking her thumb I clung to the security of pride. No one could hurt me, judge me, steer me wrong, or make me feel less than as long as I had my pride. Humility, shame and fear kept me quiet and subdued for long enough. Pride plucked me out of the corner, past the hurt and betrayal, past the lies and into the hungry arms of anger and hostility.

The fuel from anger only lasts so long. The strength of its blast gets you higher than you’ve ever been, shot up into the sky where no one can reach you but when it fades you are left to free fall – fast. Splat. You land flat on your face, left to breathe in the dirt and muck of a life that had been lived around you.

I had to be done trying. I had to let go and give God a chance. I had to realize no matter how hard I tried my way was not going to get me the results.

isaiah 41 13How I ‘let go’ was by putting away my pride.

I replaced a false sense of security with my one true savior. Jesus Christ.

God gently picked me up off the floor, dusted me off, kissed my wounds, hugged me tight and has never let me go. By ‘letting go’ I learned to hold on to his promises.

In baby steps I went from moment to moment holding his hand. Over the years he’s taken his hand away from me to see if I can walk on my own, with him in my sight. I made it for awhile and took a stumble. But he was right there to catch me. I held his hand tighter but the time came he needed me to walk again on my own. I’ve made it further. And at times I’ve looked around to make sure he’s still in my sight. Sometimes he watches from afar, out of my range, so that I can grow in trust, in faith, in belief.

But he never leaves me. When I panic he comes running. He’s always there. Always.

I panicked this weekend. It was tough. But he is so faithful. He is my Lord. My savior. Of whom shall I be afraid? No one.

No one.

I will share more. I need to share more because you’ve asked. I know you can relate. But I need you to know my ‘how’.