Yes, I began this exactly ten full weeks ago naming my personal 12 week challenge GOING PUBLIC because I knew if I ‘put it out there’ it would force me to continue and do the entire 12 weeks. The first four were good…great…I went on a family vacation and stuck to my guns. I lost 4 pounds that month. But the challenge wasn’t fully about losing weight. Though it is …but it’s not…it is about overriding the ‘thoughts in my head’ that keep me from pushing past an obstacle. Hence the ‘challenge‘. I knew when on vacation my mind would make all sorts of excuses and reasons to ‘put off my goal’ for another day.
The second month I got side-tracked weight wise. It wasn’t so much that my mind won, rather, I realized that as much of the challenge in ‘being fit’ is also being happy and living. I celebrated 18 years (18 years…I hear a tune in my head…I got him for 18 years) of marriage and varied away from my desire to ‘lose weight’ and instead found a desire to overcome these mind games I play with myself.
In the midst of the second month I went on a girl’s weekend and was put into a position to overcome a personal fear. Fear of heights. And it hit me. That’s a mind game too. I wanted to know if I could take the challenge to get through it and overcome. I did.
I ended what was our ‘short summer’ with our family going to my parents place in Colorado. My mind lost the challenge at this point. I was weak. I listened to the ‘mind game’ and agreed. Why am I doing this? I can’t get past this weight hump. I’m not fat so what’s the point in trying to see if I can get to my ‘ideal weight’? What’s the point?
The problem was not so much that I gave in but what I feel when I give in. When I hear the other side of my mind: This matters to me. I want to know I can do this. I want to know I can get over this hump. It is a very very minimal goal to some but to me it mattered. And the fact I ‘gave in’ to the mind game was disappointing.
The beauty of this ’12 week’ challenge being PUBLIC is for once I do feel an obligation not just to me but to those of you who bother to read this blog to continue. This is not a bad obligation. Or a chore. But an honor and a privilege. I want to succeed. I want to keep going and see where I get for the next two weeks. And then I want to continue until I reach my goal.
This simple fact I have a desire to succeed is all that should matter.
I have lost one pound this week! Woohoo!
What will I do? I will keep going. Which is what I’ve been telling the survivors I’ve been working with this week. KEEP GOING. The one question I’ve received the most is, “How is it you’ve lived through what you have and you seem to be so ‘with it’ and ‘happy’?”
I’ve been going at this ‘healing process’ for over 12 years! It’s been in steps. In the beginning I didn’t even know my own full story. But I knew I needed to get beyond some of the mind games of triggers and emotional responses. I knew I wanted to be different …I wanted to be happy.
So I took steps. Baby steps. Giant steps. At times leaps. Sometimes I’d fall. I’d slip back. I’d find myself stuck. And then I’d look up. I’d get up. I’d crawl. I’d walk. I’d run. And in 12 years I find myself where I am today. Better. Happy. Able to know joy. Able to feel joy. And still healing.
It takes time.
And over the years I learned to give myself a break. We, you and I, are a masterpiece of God’s doing. Give yourself a break and time.