It is the beginning of week 10. I have three weeks to go in this challenge. Where am I?
I’m the very same weight as when I began.
It is not how a challenge is supposed to go but I am not a failure.
First of all, I did manage to get down at least 5 pounds in the past 9 weeks…but I also made decisions to live my life a little bit ‘out loud’ and those 5 pounds found their way back.
Maybe I’m a security blanket for the weight?
In all seriousness I know exactly what I did wrong. I went on vacation and I didn’t count my calories or make sure I didn’t eat sweets and back off on a glass of wine or two (or maybe three at times). Of course I wasn’t going to lose. We all know this.
But the real CHALLENGE, the real reason why I chose to do this and go public was to see if I could change my way of thinking. I’ve been down this road before. I start a challenge, say I’m going to do this by this date and external circumstances happen that keep me from completing my goal so my mind begins talking.
The true challenge was to change my way of thinking.
In nine weeks I managed to get over fears and even have the grace and courage to speak to my mom about something that is uncomfortable. But I did it and I’m better for it. I had my voice. I feel empowered and like I matter.
The rest of the 3 weeks of this challenge will be to see what I can do with the other issue of my mind. Cutting out the self-degrading monologue in my mind. For me this is what I hear because I am back to where I started weight wise:
“You might as well eat that hamburger or whatever you want because it’s obvious you can’t get your body or mind to change. Go ahead and let it go.”
“What difference does it make if you weigh 145 or 135? It’s only 10 pounds. You’ll never be able to get to your goal. You’ll only make a fool of yourself for trying and going public.”
You know, even my father told me in the start of this that my ‘pooch’ was hereditary and that I am losing the challenge before I even begin. He loves me, he only said it to make sure I wasn’t setting myself up for failure but it also makes me realize I give myself that same ‘self degrading’ talk. “You are fighting a lost cause Shannon.” “Who cares Shannon?” “You are too self-absorbed. You are too insecure. You are too weak…” etc etc etc.
I’m fighting back. As I said last week. Never ever ever give up. Ever. I’m going to try.
I don’t know what I’ll manage in three more weeks. And I might have to continue on but it’s not so much the weight I want gone but the ability to get rid of the degrading monologue in my mind.
I can do this. So can you. What has your challenge been? Have you succeeded? Are you feeling like a failure because you’ve tripped up or weakened at a moment that would push you to success?
Continue on with me my friend. Together let’s prove to ourselves that we are the strong, capable, courageous and worthy people who deserve to achieve whatever we put our mind to.