For those that are not afraid of heights this feat of mine might seem miniscule. However, consider your greatest fear. Now imagine the feeling you get when you’re facing that fear; like a thousand ants crawling up your legs as your throat constricts and prohibits air from seeping while the pulsation of your heart is so strong it threatens to perforate your chest cavity.
Something like that.
Imagine feeling this way when you know you need to do something that means a better life for you or a healthier outcome. This is what survivors feel when they have to face their memories in order to move forward to heal. Or when mentally and physically beaten wives consider the move they need to make to be free of the abuse.
Or for me, who has been sexually abused, wants desperately to embrace intimacy (both mental and sexual) with her husband. The answer to be who I longed to be remained at the bottom of a 500 ft. cliff and the only way I could get to it was to stand on the edge and jump. This is perception of course. A mind playing tricks. The enemy instilling fear to keep one in shame. There is no cliff between myself and the ability to be ‘normal’ but for years I was imprisoned by this false perception.
My Just Show Up Moment before we went.
Until I took on this 12 week challenge. It began with me wanting to push past my excuses and become healthy in a way I longed to be. And it grew into realizing the mindset it takes to ‘push through’ and conquer the false perceptions. One night I went dancing and something ‘clicked’. Why am I holding back? There is so much more life to live.
I will not keep myself from feeling as I want to feel. Living as I want to live. As God calls me to live. As He gives me the gift to live. All within His will of course.
When my friend ‘challenged’ me to do the zipline with her in Mexico I at first scoffed at the idea. “No way!” I text back. Immediately I regretted the usual response. “I’m doing it.” I wrote back.
Up on that 8 story platform I wanted desperately to go back down. “Why did I ever say I would do this?” Fear threatened to knock me out. I pushed my way through the group and handed my phone to Clarissa. “Film me now. I have to go next or I won’t do it.” I needed to push through.
So I focused on the rules. What will keep me safe. That’s all I focused on. Lean back so I won’t twirl and dear Jesus keep me safe!
And I did it!!!
And then I had to climb three more stories and do it again.
And climb three MORE STORIES and do it again!
Each time was difficult but I was then alone and I knew I did it once with a push I could do it again. I had to. There was no looking back. So I put the confidence in myself and my faith and did it.
And then I repelled down a 10 story cave!!!! Can you believe? This time I didn’t look down. I kept my eyes on the instructor as he told me what to do to lower myself off the structure. (like a cliff!!!!) So I just kept my eyes on him and did as he said. And before I knew it I was going down by my own hands. I didn’t think about how high up I was or what was below me. Only that I was doing it.
I cried after the first zipline. I cried harder by the end of the third. Good tears. Tears of freedom and pride. After the repel I laughed. WOW.
I don’t know if I’m more proud of myself for achieving a new found intimacy with my husband or pushing through the fear of heights. Might be that they are synonymous.
What fear keeps you from moving forward? Look to God to keep you focused and to help you through it.