I’m going to be honest… I do not know what to write. It’s not writer’s block it’s ‘exhaustive writer’s brain’… I’ve been working on a few writing projects this week that have required thinking and creativity so every time I’ve sat down to write about how God has ‘shown up’ I get a blank. Not because He hasn’t shown up but because I’m creatively taxed out. I mean I can give you the run down of my day (s) and try to explain how I’ve seen God’s hand in it all but I’d be afraid it would sound remedial and like a list.
Ugh… I can’t! I can’t even think about what to write. lol
What I want to say is how I’ve been working with a few survivors who are amazing and strong and AWESOME. 😉 One wants to TALK so bad but her memories and flashbacks really have a strong hold on her and she can’t bring herself to talk about them. But we are getting closer. She’s ‘shoved it down’ for decades and now the memories have been ‘poking through’ in her dreams and even as she’s awake but she won’t even tell her therapist. She’s afraid and so I’ve been spending the last three days trying to help her do it afraid. She said she hasn’t prayed to God in years because of anger and feeling abandoned but she did recently. Greatest gift I could receive is her telling me she felt God sent me to her…. God is showing up for her. But please pray this person finds the strength she needs to overcome the guilt and shame that paralyzes her and keeps her from moving forward.
That’s what I really want to say.
And I received an email yesterday from a young woman in another state that went on in detail breaking down how my own I Have a Voice video spoke to her in her own situation. What a gift! To know that when God urged me to do those videos and then led me to do my own that they are reaching the intended audience. Praise God!! That was a ‘just show up’ moment for me.
Finally, Neal and I were led into a conversation the other evening that was a long time coming. It began with me sharing some exciting news about one of the writing projects I’m working on and he asked a very honest question, “Do you ever feel weird that you are writing these projects to help others but you are still going through the healing process yourself?”
I’ll admit, my initial reaction was to take offense and be on the defensive. What I ‘heard’ was “Are you sure you’re qualified to write a ‘self-help’ book when you haven’t been completely ‘fixed’ yet?” See, it’s that thought that I have to be ‘fixed’ that got me…even though he didn’t say it I believe it is a personal insecurity that I have in working on this particular project because even though I’ve come a VERY LONG WAY in healing I can’t say I’m 100% ‘fixed’. I can’t say I’ll EVER be 100% ‘normal’…I mean what is normal???
However, this led us into a conversation about many things we needed to discuss within our own intimate life and he just wanted / needed to hear that I wanted to be healed in certain areas. And I needed /wanted to hear that he would love me regardless if I could never get to a 100% purely healed point that satisfied his ‘idea’ of what that ‘normal’ is. Make sense? Might not to most but to survivors I have a feeling it will.
So there you go. That’s a summation of my last three days. I do not have it in me to try and be cute and offer some quip or ‘lesson’…but I do hope you maybe relate and get a sense that you are not the only one.
Enjoy your day!