Now I know and you know that fear is not of the Lord. But sometimes the pesky little enemy likes to find the holes in our resolves and slither in with fear. This is why I am actively training my mind to recognize at the onset my resolve has been breached to see to take it to God and ask Him if it is of His will that I am feeling this way and if not then I cry out in prayer, get behind me satan!
These past few days I’ve suffered a breach of my security – internally. My son, Seth’s, heart procedure is still two weeks away and I am proud of how we have all been handling it well. We talk about it. He tells me if he is nervous and lately he’s been saying that he is praying to God to see Him while he is under. A friend of mine told me that since we are physically changing his heart to pray to dedicate his heart to the Lord. Amen! Of course!
One night I went up to Seth’s room to ‘put him to bed’ as he says, (yes, he is 12 and still wants me to ‘put him to bed’ and I will till the day he leaves here to go to college if he’ll let me!), and he opened up his arms wide to embrace me in a big bear hug. Now that he is as stall as I am I was no longer holding him but it felt almost as if he were holding me. Usually he will hug me and then I’m ‘dismissed’ or sometimes we sit on his bed and have our own prayer time. This night, though, he kept hugging me and then he began to dance. Years ago I taught him the waltz. Instead of holding me the correct way, he held me in a hug and we moved about the small area of his room in a box as he counted our steps. It took everything in me not to bawl holding onto my baby as he held onto me. This is a memory you’ll have forever, my spirit whispered to my soul.
And then it was over. I walked downstairs and that’s when the first negative thought entered, “What if God gave me that memory to hold onto because he won’t make it out of the procedure?”
Quickly I brushed it away. But for the next few days I’ve been having similar thoughts, second guessing our conversations, holding on tight to what is said between us and making note of his laughs and smiles. I hear news reports of parents losing their children to senseless acts, or in accidents and I wonder, “Am I hearing this so that I can prepare?”
Finally, this morning, I took my obsessive thoughts to prayer and wrote them out in a journal. I trust in the Lord and His will and I know life on earth is precious and short for us all, none of us are immune to an earthly death but I needed to rid myself of the fear.
A few hours later I attended my Cornerstone Scripture Study group and in our group session one of our members made the comment to our lesson that dealt with facing these fears. She said, “Sometimes you have to just do it afraid.”
Do it afraid. Fear is not of the Lord but sometimes God doesn’t help dispel the fear, not out of spite or maliciousness but out of love. When we are afraid we cling. We look for the nearest and safest protector and we cling for support. Sometimes through fear we are reminded of who is nearest and safest to us that desires us to cling to Him. Sometimes we need to go through it afraid to be reminded of Our Protector.
When I voiced my fears out loud to the group it felt so good to expose them from the darkness and into Christ’s light. Now they are not hidden and can no longer fester and grow in the dark.
Are you facing something in life that brings fear to your heart? Are you hearing the empty arguments and lies in your head that take you further down the rabbit hole? take these concerns and fears to God. Do it afraid and cling to Him.