Okay my friends, I’ve been a bit wayward and not posting on this blog site. As many of you know I have a website where I do my main blog and posted 365 days in 2013. If you wish to view the past few weeks of posts feel free to visit: http://www.shannonmdeitz.com/category/blog
But I will post a few that I believe specifically speak to survivors of abuse….or at least it’s my VOICE as a survivor.
I wish I knew best how to begin a summation of 2013 … MY 2013… maybe some will relate and others won’t which is understandable. But for me, I need to surmise what 2013 was for me.
I find it fitting that this morning I began the day walking into a donut shop to pick up breakfast for the boys and ran into two young adults that were once youth in my youth ministry program. I was very excited to see them and get caught up on where life has taken them so far. Just before I was about to leave they asked if I had the time to sit and help with a more deep, serious conversation. Without hesitating I pulled up a chair and sat down.
My youth aren’t young anymore. They are grown men and women learning that life is difficult…messy…and filled with hope. When they were younger it was easier for me to sit, listen, and then give advice that I knew would best direct them in the way God wanted them to go, however, with age comes challenge and the answer isn’t always clear. But as I listened to one of them tell me about their situation I felt as if I were hearing a part of my own life being played back to me, only 15-20 years later. I gave the best advice I felt called to give and then I capped that off with – PRAY & TRUST.
When I left the donut shop I realized how much my life is complete in this moment. For years I went from year to year with an internal desire, an anxiousness, a feeling of being not whole, unworthy, and frustrated. Something was not right within me and I couldn’t understand why. I thought that maybe it was because I hadn’t achieved my number one goal, and that was to be ‘officially’ published by a ‘real’ publisher and not having to self-publish. Year after year I would write in my reflection letter for the year to come that this would be the year my dream would come true and all would be right in the world.
2013 was the year. All is right in my world. My book, REDEEMED, got accepted by a ‘real’ publisher and it will be published in 2014, BUT, this is not the reason why I feel complete, worthy, and whole.
If you have followed along on this 365 day project from day one you know that I had been triggered deeply and had some very disturbing memories surface that I’d buried deep for most of my life. The day that happened is the day I began to feel whole again. I could really feel for the first time in my life. And knowing the abuse I incurred as a little girl, a very vulnerable little girl, made the rest of my life make sense. In many ways it was as if I was already beyond on the other side of the gates of heaven able to see the flashback video of my life scroll before me and all of the moments that I felt guilt or shame for became understandable and forgivable.
In 2012 I had a dear friend of mine write me a note that I keep taped to the inside of my desk because it summarizes what I longed to achieve:
“You are a box of surprises for me!” she wrote, “You are such a gifted girl but I think you believe it in your mind and not in your whole. My word for you is depth. I see a diver with all the equipment to dive deep but she is on the surface. Go deeper my girl!”
When my truth came to light in 2013 I taped a picture of me as a little girl before the abuse happened, or I believe before, alongside the note. The sweetness. The innocence. The joy and happiness. That is who I am. That is my deep.
I spent 2013 going deeper and deeper within to untangle what had been buried for so long. And in the process I was blessed with many external joys and achievements that I once thought would have ‘made me whole’ but instead were a blessing only to punctuate my life.
Tomorrow is the last day of my challenge. I will not give up blogging but I will re-examine how best it will benefit YOU and benefit ME. If you have thoughts or suggestions I’d be more than happy to hear them. In the meantime, I am even more blessed for you to have joined me on this journey.