To a fault I was ‘hiding’ from God and yesterday I could hear him whisper to my spirit, “Come talk to me.”
So during adoration I journaled and wrote out what I knew as my truth, what I’d been running from ever since it came flooding back into my life. I exposed my ugly. (I have to smile because this is the exact chapter I’m writing in my new project…funny how it’s coming as I’m going through it…God is intentional!)
I cracked open the ‘The Courage to Heal’ workbook and dove in. A sense of relief washed over me as I found comfort in being able to skim through the first few chapters on survival skills that spoke about feeling safe and secure, building a support system and how to deal with a crisis…check, check and check. Grateful to know the therapy I went through all those years ago and the spiritual journey I’ve been on ever since have set me up for success.
Then there was the chapter on nurturing yourself which I nearly passed up all together. If there is one thing I’ve learned in these past 12 years it is to recognize when I need to step away and take care of myself. Whether it’s a massage, pedicure, long walk, or a girls weekend get away, I know when it’s time to decompress. For instance I leave Sunday morning to go with my girlfriend antiquing for her shop. Just a quick overnight trip but perfectly planned for nurturing.
What struck me with this chapter was the question “How did you comfort yourself when you were young?” Without warning a memory came back that I immediately recognized with a great amount of shame. Thankful to be sitting with God in prayer I was able to write it out, expose it from the darkness and bring it into the light. Why I comforted myself in this way is no longer a mystery and because of knowing my past it makes sense. It is in my past, I no longer go to this for comfort, I can safely let it go.
Wow…okay that wasn’t so bad, I thought to myself. The final chapter I had time for was on acknowledging the accomplishments I’ve achieved in healing so far to date. Thankful to end on a good note I reminded myself of the healing and hard work I’ve put into accepting myself as God’s beloved and not allowing the past and other’s actions to define me.
This is good. I can do this. One step at a time.
What I have to watch out for these next few months is this case of ‘Hand to Mouth’ disease I seem to have lately. I’ve already gained 10 pounds in the past two months…UGH…:(
I forget how much this emotional work can be exhausting too…but I recognize it and I will overcome!! Tomorrow I’m sleeping in!
I will not allow my past paralyze my ability to receive the gift in receiving blessings for today.