Yes, yesterday was tough. The last few days have been difficult and rewarding. Ever since I’ve come back from my grandfather’s (perpetrator’s) memorial service I have avoided the inevitable work of thawing out the memories frozen like a glacier in darkness in the depths of my sub-conscious. For a while I convinced myself that they weren’t bothering me, they’d been frozen for 40 years and they could remain unhindered.
Unfortunately and fortunately, in order for me to continue forward on my journey it is imperative for me to clear the way, healthy and free from obstacles. These past few days God has begun a warming process, tears have been flowing against my will, emotions I’ve tried to put away are no longer easily managed. Which is why I knew the only way I could continue was to go to Christ.
When I left the church last night I found Neal relaxing outside. I sat next to him and began to cry. I told him the emotions I’d been struggling with in the past few days (rage, anger, frustration, unworth), the tears that wouldn’t stop and what I knew I needed to do. He wrapped his arm around me and drew me into him. I rest my head on his shoulder and cried.
Fr. Alfonso is correct. I deserve to heal completely. As well as Neal deserves to have a wife who can (and will) accept his love and devotion, finding herself worthy. And children who deserve to have a mother who isn’t afraid to fight the nightmare of a memory.
I know I am strong. I know I can overcome. I know I will overcome. I have before and I’m more equipped with a stronger support system now both with family, friends and spiritually.
What I love the most about this is that ‘Hopeful Hearts’ is helping me. The concept, the process, the desire of the ministry is to draw survivors away from the grips of victimization and fear of facing the memories and be empowered rather than beaten by what had been ‘done’ or ‘experienced’ in the past.
How appropriate the ministry God called me into is continuing to empower and reinforce my victory.
Thank you for praying and walking with me on this journey. When I share such intimate revelations it is not for you to be a voyeur but rather to be encouraged to face your own fears. Fear is nothing but an empty emotion. The best of us can get wrapped up in it and therefore we need to be reminded that we have what it takes to face it head on and win.