I’ll admit, yes I was blogging while in the back row during the service. I found it hard to listen but I didn’t feel the need to leave. I heard that my grandfather was a faithful Godly man. That all of his life he would wake and do a morning devotional and read the bible. I heard that he was devout in his faith and wanted only to do the ‘right’ thing and to do ‘good’ by everyone. I heard that he was loved and that God had His hand on him saving him on many occasions from death.
I heard them joke about him and his coffee. The same smell that ‘triggers’ me. The very reason why I’ve never had a cup of coffee. I always wondered why I detested the smell. Why the smell would take me back to picturing the brown clay coffee mugs with the light brown edges. Why it would make my insides recoil. Before my wall broke down I tried to reason it was because the Folger’s plant was in Sherman where I grew up. Not so.
My uncles got up one by one and spoke about their father. My heart broke for them. I’m sure he was a good man to them and he taught them many things. As I said before I’m sure it is hard for them to reconcile the man I know with the man that brought them up. There were many times I wanted to say things but I text them to Heather instead. It did not escape me that one of my uncles brought up the fact that grandfather had made ‘mistakes’ and that we are all sinners. Quoting the verse to not ‘throw the first stone’ for we are all sinners. No, it didn’t escape my ears…but I wanted to then stand up and say “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe [in me] to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were put around his neck and he were thrown into the sea.” Mark 9:42
Yes, I heard and yes, I know. I know that it continues to say in the bible “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my Heavenly Father.” Matthew 18:12
When the service was complete they marched his ashes outside for the military honors. He was in the Air Force by the way, I was mistaken. I held back, holding Riley who was giving me the biggest hugs and kisses. I waited till everyone left and walked up to the front where they had pictures of my grandfather, grandmother, my mom and all of my uncles. I stood before the picture of my grandfather and said out loud what I needed to say. ”You hurt me which scarred me deeply,” was one. Much more that needs to be left between him and I. There was no shortage of tears. Tears for me. Tears for the little girl that never understood why she wrote the poem that she remembers this verse to this day:
“I’m living in a world unknown, I’m scared to think it could be shown. In this world I hear voices telling me to make choices. Choices that should never be thought of….I’m tired of living in this world unknown.” I still have this written in my little Hello Kitty Diary , I was 10 years old but I remember those verses well. I didn’t understand them till now.
I looked at his picture and I nailed the coffin. Riley and I walked outside for the final words. When I went to my grandfather’s house after the service I was relieved to find out it wasn’t the house I remember. They moved from that house when I was in high school. I had never been in this one. And there was no smell of coffee. I was free to sit and catch up with my uncles.
After a late lunch they asked if I wanted to go through his stuff with them at the house. I politely declined. I am tired. It’s not a lie. Heather and I will meet them for dinner tonight. There might be a Part Three.
For now I feel ‘free’. Song – FREE by SHAWN MCDONALD
Chorus: “You said your burden is light and your load is no more. You said your ways are right and in you I will soar. I want to be free, free to dance and free to sing. Free to live and love and free to be me.”