Funny, for those who have followed the Just Show Up blog for the past few years you’ll understand this comment: Today is Day 111 – 111 (Jesus, the angels and saints are tapping me on the shoulder saying “We are here.” )
I figured today I would blog as I could, give you the range of my emotions. Right now it’s 7:37am and after a very fitful night of sleep I am hearing Martina McBride’s song Independence Day in my head “Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing. Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning. Let the weak be strong. Let the right be wrong. Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay. It’s Independence Day.”
I have 3 hours before the funeral service. My uncle called me last night to check in and make sure I made it in town ok. He mentioned the family will gather at my grandfather’s house afterward. I know I make them nervous. Like I’m a ticking time bomb and they need to ‘handle me with delicate care.’ I suppose they are right. Seriously, my intention is not to ‘go off’ on anyone. Or even discuss it for that matter. They’ve hid their heads in the sand long enough there is nothing I can say now that would make them change the way they view or care about their father or father -in -law. Not that it would be my place to anyway.
Today is for me. Even if he is ashes. It is for me to know that I have a voice, even if it is words I’ll say in my head. Heather thought of bringing an actual nail. I thought that was funny. So at this moment I am numb, not expecting anything. I might not feel anything at all. And that’s okay. Because simply making the trip here is therapeutic. I felt I needed to do it and I am.
Ran 2.5 miles around the new Hotel building… Now sitting in the service. Nice to see my Uncles… I do love them. In the shower I had another memory… And through my tears I thought about when I’ve had moments of feeling others pain. I know I don’t wish him to hell and I feel for my uncles on ever embracing the truth of their father.
Im sitting in the back and I’m catching my breath.
Catch My Breath by Kelly Clarkson..